Bantam Arborial Bovines

THINGS THAT MAKE KROGG EXCITE FOR SEASON!

2012-01-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

TOP FIVE THINGS KROGG EXCITED ABOUT FOR UPCOMING SEASON!!!!!!

Thing 2: Oops, Krogg actually mean thing 1. Krogg just experience "sponsor camp" with Team Exergy. Sponsor camp where all Exergy teammates gather to meet and greet all Exergy sponsors. Mostly Exergy thrilled with last year sponsors, and for most part, same sponsors return. However, some sponsor change, and Krogg very excited about new sponsor. Don't get Krogg wrong -- Krogg LOVE Hammer Nutrition for last six years -- but Krogg pretty darn excited Exergy partner with Clif for 2012 so Krogg can enjoy some new flavors in caveman mouth. COME TO KROGG, CARROT CAKE CLIF BAR!

Thing 1: Krogg know this out of order, but whatever. Sponsor camp also opportunity for Exergy teammates to form indestructible bond that will insure good cooperation and drama-free home-stay all year long. Best way to form indestructable bond? Wind tunnel testing, Exergy style:

Team Exergy Wind Tunnel Testing from Team Exergy on Vimeo.

(Video come from one and only Stephen Fitzgerald. Good job Stephen -- you make good video!)

Thing 4: Now Krogg all confuse about number, but regardless, Krogg excited about new teammate! Krogg get introduce to all new teammate, and Krogg like every last one! All new teammate smart, sociable, and fun to hang out with. Once again, Exergy prove this team to be reckoned with when it come time to move bodies at night club, and new teammate no exception.

Thing ???: Krogg give up about number. Krogg excited about training camp in ten day! Training camp right around corner, and Krogg starting to shake in caveman boots about how hard Training camp be. Oh boy -- Krogg hope he keep up!

Krogg. Over and out.

Buffalo!

2012-01-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

Oh man. Today is a buffalo day. I'm thrilled my findings in the wide world of buffalo, and I simply must share. First off, prepare to be whisked away to the magical land of Guy on a Buffalo. It's a four part musical that make me want to laugh and cry and sing and dance (but mostly just laugh...my ass off!). Here is the entire series -- trust me, it's eight minutes of your life well spent:

Next, I found that the following sentence is actually recognized by the English language as grammatically valid: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo."

If you're like me, you'll probably need to go to the Wikipedia page about this sentence to help comprehend how the hell our language let this happen, but shit howdy -- LOOK AT THAT SENTENCE! It's so simple, so gorgeous! I'm considering starting a language called (you guessed it): Buffalo. The entire vocabulary shall consist of the words buffalo and Buffalo, and yet it will be capable of expressing the most complicated thoughts yet thunk by mankind. Who's with me?!

IT BEGINS, THE CAMP OF SPONSORS!

2012-01-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

SPONSOR CAMP IS UPON US!

It's time to meet some new team mates, greet some new sponsors, and have a jolly good time. This week is supposedly packed so full we're not even allowed to go to the bathroom outside the three designated "bodily function" breaks in our schedules. I'm kidding -- there should be plenty of time for Foosball and fun.

In honor of sponsor camp, I present:

Silly People Dancing to Yelle

First off, the classic.

Aaaant then there's this guy, who is obviously trying way way WAY too hard, but I have to give him some credit. He danced all over the world. Dance John Makovich! Dance!

Insomnia Has Its Perks...

2012-01-24T08:29:00.001-08:00

Krogg no sleep good last night. Up at three forty five AM like some kind of goddam farm animal. No fall back asleep! At first Krogg mad! Why you no sleep Krogg? Then Krogg decide to be productive and make scone. Scone look tasty, but Krogg have no time to eat -- time to get to work! Krogg pack scone in insulated tote bag, and haul to work for co-workers to enjoy. See? Insomnia has perk!

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

2012-01-20T21:41:00.000-08:00

Things I've noticed:

IT SNOWED AND THEN THE SNOW MELTED ALMOST AS FAST AS IT SNOWED!!!

Indeed, the snow started falling some time Wednesday morning and it fell steadily for hours without pause until there was several inches of the stuff covering this fine little town called Boise, which made my morning commute slow and treacherous, a leisurely mountain bike ride through snow really, something I don't often get to enjoy (but honestly I didn't so much enjoy my commute as I did chuckle at my situation, amused, not unlike the man behind the counter at Napa Auto Parts who sold me zipties so I could transform my mountain bike into a snowmobile), yes a leisurely white-knuckled commute, one that got me to work an hour late, but with safety and warmth and even comfort, the latter two of which are precisely the opposite of how I'd describe my return voyage, which wasn't through deep snow so much as it was through six-inches of slush and through pouring rain, the temperature obviously having risen just enough to change the mode of precipitation but not the amount, yes my return voyage oh-so miserable, like really fucking so, my pants soaked beyond belief almost immediately after leaving the shop, my face liberally spattered with a mixture of slush, road salt, and car grime which tasted like cold salty car grime (I know because I got a lot of it in my mouth despite my best efforts to spit it out), a miserable white-knuckled commute, the worst, the only thing keeping my mood from completely careening into a canyon of negativity the realization that the fucking rain would melt the fucking snow and the roads would clear and I would soon be able to ride my bike outside again.

My bike as a snowmobile.

My wet pants from my commute home.

I WATCHED AN AMAZING CONCERT LAST MINUTE!!

Have you ever been sitting around wondering what to do with yourself on a Wednesday night, and had a friend txt you with an offer to go to a concert? Well I have. Just this week. And let me tell you -- it was swell. It was a day of cosmic collisions in Boise, because not only were we hit with our first major storm of the year, but these three excellent and unique bands were all passing through town, and all got booked at the Egyptian. Thanks to my friend Judi, I got to see:

Diego's Umbrella: a super-sexy-sixsome slinging gypsy-pirate-sounding splendor.

Kings of Vibration

The Pimps of Joytime (possibly the best band name ever): the funkiest funksters ever, laying down some ridiculously fun "janxter funk."

Bonita
March Fourth Marching Band: these guys were totally unreal! Dressed like a marching band from hell (and sounding like one too), the March Fourth Marching Band mixes a little burlesque, with a little big-top, and a whole lot of marching band. Picture dancers on stilts (doing some of the most impressive and dangerous stilt acrobatics I've ever seen), baton twirlers (who clearly should have been spinning fire), and about twenty five rowdy musicians on stage. Trust me, this band must be experienced to be enjoyed -- the energy they bring is like whoa!

Dynomite

I'm not sure you can appreciate what's going on here, but trust me: madness.

I HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO FRICKIN' JURY DUTY???

I guess this is kind of a milestone for me, because I don't recall ever being "summoned" for anything in my life, but goddamit, really? And smack dab in the middle of training camp no less! Wish me luck in trying to postpone it.

Two Things

2012-01-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

First off, you should visit Wikipedia today. Search for something. Anything. You'll see that the whole English version of Wikipedia is being blacked-out in response to the SOPA act currently before Congress. The SOPA act is a piece of legislation that could have potentially far-reaching consequences regarding how the whole internet functions, so if you like the internet the way it is (extremely free, extremely awesome), consider writing to your congressperson and telling them so.

Next up, you should go to Underwater Sculptures and see some of the really cool artwork made by UK artist Jason deCaires Taylor. His work is a win-win-win: he is calling attention to the devastation wrought upon coral reefs by careless tourists, while simultaneously providing an awesome alternative for those tourists to explore AND giving animals a great new habitat. Oh and the sculptures themeslves are gorgeous, especially after the sea has had a chance to work its magic on them for a while. Here's a slice:

Is This Cool?

2012-01-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

So I'm going to try something new here. It's a game called "Is This Cool?" It goes like this: I post something on my blog, and you tell me if it's cool or not. As you may or may not know, Google Images has a feature where you can paste an image into the search bar, and it will find images similar to the one you pasted. Well what if you did that, but then fed the top result back into the search bar? And then fed the result of that search back into search bar? And then repeated the process 3,000 times? Well that's what somebody did, and then compiled the results into the following video. It's kind of like watching a Google try to piece together the history of the universe, using only the images on the internet as a guide. So you tell me: Is This Cool?

Search by Image, Recursively, Transparent PNG, #1 from kingcosmonaut3000 on Vimeo.

Hitting the Mark

2012-01-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday. It's mid-January. It's sunny and cold in Boise, but apparently there's a huge nasty storm on its way here as we speak. It's going to blanket the region in snow, and put an end to this delightfully dry winter we've been having. Good for the skiers. Bad for me. I've logged my fair share of trainer miles, but mark my words: if it's possibly to ride a bike outdoors, I will ride outdoors. So bring it on Boise storm -- I'm ready.

However, in preparation, I've thrown together some stuff for you to do, in case the power is down for days.

THING 1: READ HARRISON'S BLOG

My friend Harrison Berry is a wordsmith extraordinaire. He can use words like "crestfallen" without batting an eyelash. He can be sarcastic, witty, and hilarious -- and often all three at the same time. Read his account of discovering that his favorite burger joint has *gasp* raised its prices dramatically since his gold leaf coated youth.

THING 2: SEE HOW TINY WE ARE (AGAIN)

I know I just posted some similar videos, but I can't stress this enough: THE UNIVERSE IS CRAZY! You can fit 1,000,000 planet earths inside our sun, and you can fit a staggering 1,000,000,000 suns inside the giant monster shown in this video:

THING 3: CELEBRATE MY NEW JOB AT TRADEMARK SIGN COMPANY
It's true, I started working/interning at one of Boise's most reputable design companies last week. I'm just learning the ropes for now, but gosh is it cool. Here's a little about Trademark (and please note: this isn't official a Trademark Sign Company description - the company is in the process of redoing their website, and I wrote this as a potential contribution):

Trademark Sign Company is where passion for design excellence is paired with vast technical expertise. We design and construct our work under the same roof. By taking responsibility for every step of the process, from concept to completion, we are able to bring our visions to life with exacting clarity, while keeping things affordable and efficient. We can design and deliver the signs or environmental features your business needs to stand out, and do so with the style and quality you've come to expect from Trademark.

THING 4: GET READY FOR THE FORT!!!!

The TreeFort Music Fest is coming to Boise! This is going to be the biggest music event to hit the Treasure Valley all year. My good friend Drew is instrumental in the production of this festival, and I'm thrilled to see it off to such a good start. It is conveniently timed to be right after the South By Southwest music festival in Austin, Texas. A good chunk of the SXSW bands will make the trek up to Idaho and perform for us in the lovely city of trees. Check it out, and buy your tickets now.

Whirlwind

2012-01-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

My whirlwind trip up the coast was downright awesome. I have a few thank-you's to fire off, so let's get to it:

First off, I'd like to thank my truck. It wanted to die on me about an hour before I got to Portland. The engine stopped purring like a kitten, and started purring like a dying kitten with fluid in its lungs instead. My top speed for that last hour (which became two hours): ~45 miles per hour. Considering the pouring rain, and heavy traffic, breaking down by the side of the highway would have been pretty miserable, so I'm thrilled that my old truck "dug deep into the suitcase of courage," to quote Phil Liggett, and limped to my destination. Then, above all odds, it carried me and my stuff up to Seattle, and then back to Boise without complaint. Thank you truck.
Next I'd like to thank my friends Sara, Ari, Ana, and Dan for hosting me in Portland. You guys threw the best tapas party I've ever been to! Those plantain empanadas were totally righteous (in the surfer way, not the religious way).
To the man who runs the mechanic shop near where Ana and Dan live....THANK YOU FOR FIXING MY TRUCK! When I brought it to you it drove like absolute dog shit. Two hours later, it left your shop purring like a goddam lion! You easily could have gouged me, or swindled me, or simply offered to buy my truck for the price of a bus ticket back to Boise -- but instead you fixed the problem, and charged me a very reasonable amount. If you live in Portland, go here: Woodstock Shell Auto Repair.
Thanks to Mustafa, the elderly Turkish gentleman who challenged me to a chess game while I was waiting for my truck to be repaired. You won both games (albeit narrowly), and suggested that I "think positive" about my truck. I did just that, and things turned out well. There is no doubt in my mind that you played a roll in my truck's easy fix.
To the people I went dancing with on New Years in Seattle, thank you for kicking my butt like that. I was all ready to go home at 2:30 when our first party started to slow down, but nooooo...ONWARD! TO ANOTHER PARTY!!! I haven't literally danced until dawn in *ahem* quite a while. What a wild night. Thanks.
To all the people who took time out of their schedules to see me in Seattle, thank you for doing so. While I'm happy to be in Boise, you all certainly did a good job of reminding me of how fond I am of Seattle, and how many amazing friends I still have there. Thanks for all the food, the conversations, and the company.
To the roads, traffic, and weather of Seattle, Washington: thank you for confirming that my decision to move to Boise was indeed a good idea. Compared to Boise, riding through Seattle is more like bush-whacking through a jungle at 20 miles per hours. I forgot how quick your reflexes must be to avoid collisions and/or obstacles. So much more turning! So much many more potholes! So much more traffic! So much more rain! My first ride in Seattle was on New Year's Day, when I'd had far less sleep than I normally do, and let's just say I was thrilled to make it back to the house with only a broken buckle on my shoe -- in my state, it could have been much worse.
Thanks to Jamie, Lina and Matt for letting me invade your home like that.
Special thanks to Lina for getting me tea, making me soup, and constantly refilling my cup with Nuun while I was laid up, sick as a dog, at your house. I was struck down with the worst stomach flu I've had since my days on the Magic School Bus in Mexico. Holy shit. Picture me: weak, sweaty, and nauseous, curled up like a fetus on my air mattress. If it weren't for Lina's care...I would have perished for sure (or at least been much more dehydrated).
To Jamie Stangeland -- I perhaps owe you the biggest thanks of all. Not only did you introduce me to possibly the best animated television series known to man, and not only did you mercilessly pummel me into a pulp on our training rides together (like wow), and not only did you (on countless occasions) prepare me some damn tasty food/beverage -- but you let me stay at your beautiful house for a whole week! Thanks my friend. I had a marvelous time in Seattle...thanks largely to you.

HOKEY SMOKES BULLWINKLE -- WE'RE LATE!

2012-01-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

Gosh oh gosh oh gosh. Have you ever heard the phrase: time flies when you're having fun? Well that's usually true, and my past two weeks are perfect examples of this phenomenon. What you haven't heard is this: blogs lie fallow when you're having fun. I just made that up, and I agree it isn't very catchy (because it isn't always true), but once again, I shall point out that THIS IS MY BLOG AND MY BLOG MY RULES -- so my rule stands. For now. Anyway, I took myself on a little truck-based adventure throughout the Pacific Northwest, and wow, what a doosie of a time! Portland and Seattle are marvelous places, but I simply couldn't be bothered to blog about it while I was out there. Plus I found the idea of a trip in which I didn't once crack open my laptop rather appealing. However, that does leave me in a little bit of a blog hole to dig myself out of, so without further ado, I present the top five youtube videos...of...the...um....afternoon!

Cutest Video (it's almost too cute...like grossly cute...puke):

Best Red-Headed Singer:

Best Sounds Issued From a Man With A Mullett:

Biggest Numb-Nuts (possibly ever):

Best Rube-Goldberg (points for the use of rodent):

What a Christmas Weekend Part 2

2011-12-27T22:54:00.000-08:00

This story is undoubtedly better told by Krogg, my caveman alter ego. Go for it Krogg old chap:

So Krogg in beautiful Sun Valley for Christmas weekend. Sun Valley home to many pretty hiking trail, and Krogg think, what better thing to do on day after Christmas than climb cute little Prospector Mountain. So Krogg ask fellow caveman Ryan Parnes (also called El Mammoth for soon-to-be-obvious reason): "EL MAMMOTH, YOU WANT TO CLIMB CUTE LITTLE PROSPECTOR MOUNTAIN WITH KROGG TOMORROW?"

El Mammoth scoff at Krogg. "INTRIGUING," he say, "BUT I PROPOSE A DIFFERENT IDEA: WHY NOT ATTEMPT AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON BALD MOUNTAIN?" Krogg gulp hard. Spikey spears on a Sunday -- Bald Mountain? That gigantic ski mountain with over 3,300 vertical feet from top to bottom. But Krogg not want to appear like scared little cave squirrel and run from danger. KROGG FACE DANGER WITH BRAVERY OF 100 LION! "KROGG ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, EL MAMMOTH! SEE YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW!"

So Krogg and El Mammoth meet in parking lot to ski area bright and early, and begin all-out assault on Bald Mountain. Immediately Krogg start to suffer from lack of air. Krogg suck in wind faster than whole herd of buffalo on stampede. When Krogg try to tell story about Christmas, Krogg unable because breathing too hard! El Mammoth continue charge uphill like baby mountain goat (in talons of giant eagle). Here El Mammoth take photo of Krogg suffering:

HURRY UP KROGG!

WHY YOU BREATHE SO HARD, KROGG?

Eventually, Krogg and El Mammoth near summit of mighty Bald Mountain. Krogg overjoyed! As summit of Bald Mountain draw close, ski lift open, and skier start pouring down ski hill. Awh jeeze, Krogg think every out-of-control six-year old look exactly like knee-shattering missile. Krogg not very dexterous on snow, and suddenly, hike turn into game of ice-Frogger! Krogg must dodge fast-moving, brightly-colored, knee-shattering skier to survive. Krogg yell at skier: "YOU IDIOTS WHO TAKE SKI LIFT, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU MISS THE BEST PART!"

Finally, Krogg and El Mammoth reach summit, and go inside for hot cocoa. Yum. Krogg love hot cocoa -- warm Krogg up like when wear bear skin and sit near fire in cave. Then Krogg and El Mammoth take gondola down hill (cavemen old after all -- gondola preserve knees).

Krogg and El Mammoth reach parking lot at ski area. Krogg think adventure over (and pretty satisfied with quality of adventure too). But El Mammoth have trick up his trunk: "HEY, I KNOW OF SOME HOT SPRINGS RIGHT NEAR HERE...YOU WANT TO GO FOR A SOAK" If there one thing caveman love, it soak in hot springs. So Krogg follow El Mammoth to hot springs! It great!

Quick Quiz: which photo is caveman, and which one is Japanese ice macaque?

Hard to tell difference, Krogg know.

What a Christmas Weekend Part 1

2011-12-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

BOOM BAM! Christmas weekend has come and gone, and left a trail of wonderful memories in its wake. Let's get to some of the highlights!

I ate some holiday latkes with the Honorable Family Parnes (forgive me for embroidering):

Dearest Master Johnson,
Your presence is requested on this, the twenty third of December, at the household of the Honorable Family Parnes. Tonight's festivities shall include the consumption of massive quantities of delicious fried potato mash (complete with the accompanying apple sauce, sour cream, BBQ sauce, and Coors Light). Entertainment shall be provided by the rowdy bunch of hooligans associated with the younger Lord Daniel Parnes. Performances shall range from "forcefully taping each other into balls," to "making up a drinking game before our very eyes," and of course "possessing supernatural abilities at the game Quarters." A supremely challenging puzzle will be available, should you be so inclined.

Honorably yours,
Lord Ryan Mastodonius Parnes IV

P.S. should you be fit for the task, a tour of the fine drinking establishments found in the neighboring hamlet of Ketchum, Idaho will follow.

Dearest Lord Parnes,

I most gratefully accept the invitation to your soiree. Surely your powers of divination are profound, for I am indeed a puzzler! My heart beats with supreme anticipation.

Best regards,

Samuel Kroggnatious Johnson, Esq.

Puzzling a puzzling puzzle!

Ready for a night out on the TOWN!

Santa Sam and Kristo Claus!

2011-12-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

Hopefully by now you've seen the Drunk History version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. If you haven't, you're missing out big time, and you should rectify that situation immediately. If you aren't cackling with laughter within the first thirty seconds of this video then either A) you've never gotten drunk off whiskey, B) never had to try to do anything even remotely serious while under the influence of alcohol, or C) don't really get that whole "humor" thing people have been talking so much about. Throw some Oscar-worthy performances by Ryan Gosling and Jim Carey into the mix, and you've got yourself some Christmas GOLD right there! Enjoy:

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Now then, in the spirit of Christmas, I decided to call up my friend Kristo and give him the gift of...well...an ass kicking. For those who don't know Kristo is a serious badass. He's one of my favorite training partners because he's fun to hang out with for five hours or so at a time, and he's tough as nails. Naturally, I also kicked my own ass in the process, which if you think about it, is part of the holiday spirit: treat others as you yourself would like to be treated. Kristo and I tackled the EHB loop, one of my favorite training rides, and we did so in style:

Santa Sam!

Look at the twinkle in those eyes!

Kristo Claus!

SANTA SIGHTING! On the beach, near the frozen reservoir outside Emmett!

Winds Changing

2011-12-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

For the last three weeks, Boise has been draped in a temperature inversion. A blanket of frosty, stagnant air has filled the valley between the foothills and the Owyhees, and hasn't moved. The temperature, once a strong pulse from frigid nighttime lows, to balmy daytime highs -- flat-lined in the thirties. Air quality took a nosedive. The riding was fine in the same way gas station coffee is fine: rather tiresome, and never excellent, but consistent and tolerable. And besides, dry and calm and cold was better than wet and fierce and nasty. And besides, with enough pedal strokes, one could climb a ridge or two, and leave the fog behind, and breath the cleaner air, and feel the full strength of the sun's rays.

But today the winds returned! Like a blast from an atmospheric pressure washer, that inversion was chopped up, churned about, and blown out of here! Good riddance, mucky air. Hello dramatic Boise bluster!

I feel sorry for all those skiers in the area -- the hills are still bone dry, but DANG does that make for some stellar late-December mountain biking.

A White Elephant in the Room

2011-12-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of white elephant parties -- where else can you purposefully steal someone else's gift without any social consequences? Last night I had the privilege of attending a fine one: hot buttered rum, tacky Christmas sweaters, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, and quality gifts across the board.

I showed up with what I thought was an especially fine offering. First off, I must call attention to the packaging I used. My mother, ever so crafty (especially around the holidays), made these nice reusable gift bags to wrap presents in. They're festive, and keep paper our of the landfill. See?

What treasures lie within?

My gift was this: a potato gun, and a bandoleer of ammunition. It was a successful gift (it was stolen once), but I didn't really think through the fact that whoever received this gift would undoubtedly use it right away, thus littering my friend's apartment with tiny little potato pellets (many of which were never found -- sorry Drew).

As for me, I made out like a bandit! I got this awesomely decorated turtle! It's gold, and has lots and lots of glitter, and has a painted shell. Once I got home, I cleared my coffee table off and let it walk around -- stretch its legs, you know? I'm still searching for a name for this turtle. So far, options include: Prospero, Chrestomanci, Mendanbar, and Telemain (yes, these names are all wizards or magicians). Behold: MY WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT!!!

Now That is Some Customer Service!

2011-12-16T10:10:00.001-08:00

Wow. I've gotten a nice follow-up email after going to a race, but a Christmas card? USA Pro Cycling Challenge, you just reset the bar...

WINTER SCRUFF

2011-12-13T16:15:00.001-08:00

Krogg start to enjoy winter training more and more. Knee pain start to leave Krogg alone. Weather stay dry. But Krogg still bothered by extreme cold, especially since Krogg get rid of winter KILLER MUSTACHE:

I know, right?

Winter KILLER mustache provide Krogg with near superpowers! Sadly not all powers are good ones to have. For instance, winter KILLER mustache make Krogg totally impervious to cold. Never shiver. Never say "burrrrrrrr." But, winter KILLER mustache also make Krogg behave like Hulk Hogan -- KROGG SMASH STRANGER WITH CHAIR, AND CLIMB LADDER AND PILE-DRIVE ENEMIES!!!! This not good thing!

So Krogg trade winter KILLER mustache for Mere Winter Scruff. See?

Krogg have everything need for cold ride: cap, buff, and scruff.

Mere Winter Scruff much more reasonable facial hair to sport through winter. But see how warm caveman? Without cap, buff, and scruff, Krogg freeze like shaved mammoth in blizzard storm.

GUINEA PIGS JUMP!!!

2011-12-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

So it's only been a month since I announced that November 9th would henceforth be Official Bunny and Rabbit Awareness Day. The inaugural year was a smashing success, and the reverberations were felt far and wide. Clearly the "internet" interpreted those pictures of rabbits leaping over tiny jumps as a challenge. Well, another species has picked up that gauntlet, and thrown it right back down. Just look at this talented guinea pig athlete! Talk about hang time!

Honestly, while the video does impress me with how far that guinea pig jumped, I am still convinced that guinea pigs really aren't well suited to do anything other than eat foot pellets in captivity.

Let The Royal Rumpus Begin!

2011-12-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

Alright fans of domestic cycling -- your wait is over! Cyclingnews has released the domestic teams registered in the USA for 2012. You may begin drafting your fantasy cycling teams...now! Without further ado, I present Team Exergy's competition:

Bissell Cycling
Andy Baker (USA)
Chris Baldwin (USA)
Chris Barton (USA)
Patrick Bevin (NZl)
Andrew Dahleheim (USA)
Benjamin Jacques-Maynes (USA)
Carter Jones (USA)
Chase Pinkham (USA)
Kevin Pipp (USA)
Jeremy Vennell (NZl)
Eric Young (USA)

BMC Hincapie Sportswear Development Team
Isaac Enderline (USA)
Tyler Karnes (USA)
Parker Kyzer (USA)
Ty Magner (USA)
Alder Philip Martez (USA)
Andrew Joseph Meyer (USA)
Tanner Putt (USA)
Mike Stone (USA)
Edison Blair Turner (USA)
Alesksa Velickovic (Srb)
Jovan Zekaica (Srb)

Bontrager Livestrong Team
Josh Atkins (NZl)
Ian Boswell (USA)
Nathan Brown (USA)
Lawson Craddock (USA)
Jasper De Buyst (Bel)
Joe Dombrowski (USA)
Ryan Eastman (USA)
Gavin Mannion (USA)
Dale Parker (USA)
Jasper Stuyven (Bel)

Chipotle Development Team
Joshua Berry (USA)
Robert Bush (USA)
Robin Carpenter (USA)
Andzs Flaksis (Lat)
Evan Hyde (USA)
Andrei Krasilikau (Blr)
Adam Leibovitz (USA)
Michael Midlarsky (USA)
Lachlan Morton (Aus)
Anders Newbury (USA)
Alister Ratcliff (USA)
Thomas Scully (NZl)
Robert Squire (USA)
Daniel Summerhill (USA)
Steele Von Hoff (Aus)

Competitive Cyclist Racing Team
Chad Beyer (USA)
Ian Burnett (USA)
Cesar Grajales (Col)
Phil Grenfell (Aus)
Cole House (USA)
Max Jenkins (USA)
Nate King (USA)
Francisco Mancebo (ESP)
Tommy Nankervis (Aus)
Mike Olheiser (USA)
Thomas Rabou (Ned)
Taylor Sheldon (USA)
David Williams (USA)

Jamis/Sutter Home
Fernando Antogna (Arg)
Alejandro Borrajo (Arg)
Anibal Borrajo (Arg)
James Driscoll (USA)
Bradley Gehrig (USA)
Carson Miller (USA)
Philip Mooney (USA)
Luis Romero Amaran (Cub)
Eric Schildge (USA)
John Simes (USA)
Petrus Van Dijk (Ned)
Kyle Wamsley (USA)
Tyler Wren (USA)

Jelly Belly Cycling Team
Menso De Young (USA)
Luis Enrique Davila (Mex)
Alex Hagman (USA)
Nic Hamilton (Can)
Sergio Hernandez (USA)
Charles Huff (USA)
Sean Mazich (USA)
Semerson Oronte (USA)
Jeremy Powers (USA)
Scott Stewart (USA)
Ricardo Van Der Velde (Ned)

Kenda/5-Hour Energy Cycling Team
Gregg Brandt (USA)
Luca Damiani (Ita)
Nathanial English (USA)
Philip Caimon (USA)
Chad Harltey (USA)
Stephen Housely (USA)
Isaac Howe (USA)
Andrew Jacques-Maynes (USA)
Roman Kilun (USA)
Max Korus (USA)
Patrick Lemieux (USA)
Paul Mach (USA)
Shawn Milne (USA)
Jonathan Murphy (USA)
James Stemper (USA)
Robert Sweeting (USA)
Curtis Winsor (USA)

Team Exergy
Carlos Alzate Escobar (Col)
Andre Alzate Escobar (Col)
Kai Applequist (USA)
Benjamin Chaddock (Can)
Matt Cooke (USA)
Zachary Davies (USA)
Andrew Diaz Corales (Col)
Sam Johnson (USA)
Quinn Keogh (USA)
Logan Loader (USA)
Conor Mullervy (USA)
Kevin Mullervy (USA)
Fred Rodriguez (USA)
Morgan Schmitt (USA)
Serghei Tvetcov (Mda)

Team Mountain Khakis/Smartstop
Neil Bezdek (USA)
Thomas Brown (USA)
Jon Hamblen (USA)
Luke Keough (USA)
Shane Kline (USA)
Travis Livermon (USA)
Chris Monteleone (USA)
Clay Murfet (Aus)
Jerome Townsend (USA)
Benjamin Zawacki (USA)

Team Optum p/b Kelly Benefit Strategies
Jesse Anthony (USA)
Andrew Bajadali (USA)
Colton Barrett (USA)
Alexander Candelario (USA)
Marsh Cooper (Can)
Michael Creed (USA)
Michael Friedman (USA)
Chad Haga (USA)
Kenneth Hanson (USA)
Cheyne Hoag (USA)
Ian Moir (USA)
Reid Mumford (USA)
Cody O’Reilly (USA)
Christopher Parrish (USA)
Sebastian Salas (Can)
Michael Sherer (USA)
Thomas Soladay (USA)
Thomas Zirbel (USA)
Scott Zwizanski (USA)

Wonderful Pistachios Cycling
Eric Bennett (USA)
Taylor Bertrand Barrett (USA)
Yosvany Falcon (USA)
Sterline Magnell (USA)
Victor Riquelme (USA)
Collin Samaan (USA)
Iggy Silva (USA)
Erik Slack (USA)
Brett Tack (USA)

Women’s UCI-Sanctioned Teams

Exergy TWENTY 12
Kaitlin Antonneau (USA)
Kristin Armstrong (USA)
Rhae Christie-Shaw (Can)
Theresa Cliff-Ryan (USA)
Jacquelyn Crowell (USA)
Andrea Dvorak (USA)
Kristin McGrath (USA)
Greta Neimanas (USA)
Coryn Rivera (USA)
Alison Tetrick (USA)
Taylor Wiles (USA)

Team TIBCO/To the Top
Megan Guarnier (USA)
Lauren Hall (USA)
Lauren Hecht (USA)
Joanne Kiesanowski (NZl)
Amanda Miller (USA)
Lindsay Myers (USA)
Jennifer Purcell (USA)
Kendall Ryan (USA)
Samantha Schneider (USA)
Jennifer Wheeler (USA)
Tara Whitten (Can)
Erinne Willock (Can)

A Real Life Jim and Dwight!

2011-12-11T12:29:00.001-08:00

So if you watch The Office, you'll know that one of the best parts of the show is when Jim plays elaborate pranks on Dwight. Here are some good ones:

But I recently checked in with the wonderful David Thorn, author of those hilarious antagonistic e-mail exchanges I wrote about a while back (remember the Floyd e-mail scandals?). Well it seems that David has been hard at work at his workplace -- not actually working, but rather, dreaming up elaborate pranks for his co-worker Simon.

Read the complete list of complaints Simon has filed against David here (and be sure to click on the link David provides about photoshopping Justin Bieber's face on Simon's stock photos). WHAT A HOOT!

Also, you could spend your time this way. Ho-ly-fuck!

SPACE. BLOWS. MY. MIND.

2011-12-07T07:05:00.001-08:00

Space, you sexy devil -- THANK YOU for blowing my mind on such a regular basis.

Right now, I'm reading Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. It's about how 1,000,000 years in the future, humans have evolved (or devolved) into something more like walruses: our hands have morphed into flippers, we eat a diet that consists mostly of fish, and our brains have decreased in size dramatically. Throughout the story, Vonnegut points out many of the ways that our gigantic brains get us into trouble (or rather, got us into trouble). As a human, I am equipped with a mind capable of doing all sorts of things that are at best useless, and at worst downright counterproductive. I can convince myself of things that aren't true. I can have self-destructive tendencies. I can form emotional bonds that have more influence over my behavior than my desire to survive. But perhaps best of all, I can try to understand things I have no business understanding. I can stretch my mind beyond myself, and explore the entire universe in a way my dog never will.

William Hazlett said: "man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be."

My brain isn't a spectacular example of our species' capacity. I'm no Einstein, breaking new ground on the frontiers of our knowledge, but I enjoy trying to squeeze big ideas into my tiny head. Remember a while back when I confessed my fascination with the largest numbers yet discovered? The first time I read that article --blam-- my mind was blown to smithereens, and my brain was liquefied, and it dribbled out my ears like pink GoGurt out of the tube. A week later, I re-read the article, and this time my mind held together slightly better. Well it's been a few months, and just when I thought I was comfortable with the scale of those numbers --blam again-- and thus the cycle of mind-explosion and brain-melt repeats itself. I'll never be comfortable with the sheer, utter, astonishing vastness of the universe, but then again anyone who claims they are comfortable with it is either a genius like we've never seen, or simply isn't trying very hard.

Here are a few pieces of mind dynamite I've stumbled across recently:

First, there's this remarkable sliding scale of the universe. You can effortlessly scroll between the tiniest subatomic particles and the largest galaxies. Ask yourself, where does your actual comprehension of the objects give way to sheer imagination?

And this is kind of similar, but also effective:

See now I'm comfortable with the size of the sun compared to the size of the earth (kind of). When I was a kid we created a scale model of the solar system, whereby a marble represented the Earth, a basketball represented Jupiter, and a giant chalk outline on the soccer field represented the sun. The fact that there are single stars big enough to shove the whole model down by oh, about four orders of magnitude (making the sun the marble?!) is a bit much for my tiny fragile human brain to contain.

Also, we've discovered another planet that is likely to support a rich atmosphere and liquid water.

Also, we've discovered huge amounts of ice on Mars.

Also, we've discovered a black hole that is, ahem: 37-billion times as massive as our own sun.

Ok. Enough dorking out for one morning.

Remembering TEMA

2011-12-02T22:02:00.001-08:00

This December marks the third anniversary of my trip to Mexico, Guatemala and El Salvador as part of The Extra Mile Adventure (TEMA). The trip involved boarding a retro-fitted forty-foot school bus, alongside twenty of the most amazing artists, musicians, actors, and activists I've ever met. We drove from San Francisco to El Salvador and back again, leaving a trail of performances, workshops, construction, and universe-bending good-will in our wake. Here are some choice photos:

If you're curious, I invite you to visit my blog during the months of December 2008, and January 2009. Poke around in there -- you'll find some of the best writing I've done. Some of it's crazy, some of it's tragic, some of it's magic -- oh and I invent a game called Montezuma's Revenge, and play several rounds.

Dear Ada County Highway Department

2011-12-01T15:01:00.001-08:00

Dear Ada County Highway Department,

I am writing to express my thanks for the good work you do in keeping the roads and highways that surround Boise in such good condition. Believe it or not, Boise is home to a professional bicycle racing team called Team Exergy. While our racing calendar takes all around the country and the globe, several members of the team, myself included, live and train in Boise all year round. I ride my bike on the roads that surround Boise every day -- not just for fun, but for a living. While there are plenty of exceptions, most of Ada county's highways have a generous shoulder and are kept relatively clean and free of debris. Thank you, and please continue to keep cyclists in mind when you sweep the roads.

I'd also like to share my appreciation of some of the new road projects you've recently completed. You recently resurfaced Pierce Park road and Dry Creek road, both of which can be connected to other roads for some really cool new road rides. Also, today I was delighted to discover the pavement extension you added to Willow Creek road -- are there plans of extending the pavement all the way to Highway 16? My teammates and I would certainly be in favor of that!

Thanks again for making Boise such a great place to ride road bikes, and follow Team Exergy's upcoming season at www.TeamExergy.com

Sincerely,

Sam Johnson

THE INTERNET, GOOD AND BAD

2011-11-29T17:26:00.001-08:00

Krogg spend much time on internet, it true. Often, Krogg spend time good way, like when Krogg write e-mail to friend, or when Krogg write blog post. Last week, Krogg craft proposal to portable HD video camera company. Krogg think: gosh, wouldn't it be cool if Krogg could strap camera all over and take video? Imagine if Krogg could capture "Caveman Eye View!" Other good way to spend time on internet include: coordinate plan for travel with mother, lay out 2012 racing calendar, or write training plan for coaching clients.

UNFORTUNATELY Krogg also spend time on internet in bad way. Krogg terrible! Like when Krogg get lost on TheOnion.com, or when Krogg decide: watch entire season of The Office on Hulu....AGAIN. Krogg identify very few benefits from this behavior. However, several minor, peripheral benefits exist:

Top 5 Minor Peripheral Benefits That Result from Spending an Inordinate Amount of Time on the Internet

1: I find awesome artwork, like this:

or this:

2: I learn amazing new things, like how much water exists elsewhere in the universe:

Astronomers Find Star Shooting 100,000,000 Amazon Rivers of Water at 120,000 MPH

Scientists Discover The Oldest, Largest Body Of Water In Existence--In Space

3: I get all caught up on the best new stuff from Manual for Speed, like this:

Or this:

4: I laugh my ass off at funny videos, like this:

In The Know: Coal Lobby Warns Wind Farms May Blow Earth Off Orbit

5: I read Hyperbole and a Half, and she reminds me that I'm not the only one who uses my time poorly, or finds myself awake, doing nothing on internet, in the middle of the night:

It's Not Supposed To Be Easy....

2011-11-28T16:06:00.001-08:00

Some years it's the financial trouble,

Some it's the loneliness that gets me.

Others years it's being broke beyond broke beyond broke.

And others it's the temptation to do other things,

To see other places,

Or just be someone else for a while.

But the constant is this: it won't be easy.

At least not for me.

The trials might be different,

From one year to the next,

But one thing's for sure:

Getting ready to race bikes,

Takes work and sacrifice.

It takes, above all, persistence,

In the face of,

Adversity.

I wonder sometimes: are there other types of guys out there?

Men who never ever get frustrated.

Or unmotivated.

Or....

Men who never have second thoughts.

Or get sick.

Or depressed.

Or hurt.

This year, for instance, it's my knees,

Among,

Other things.

My knees hurt, and I don't know why.

Well wait --

Of course I know why:

Years of heavy use,

A few nasty crashes,

And a genetic predisposition.

The point is, they hurt.

And I'm scared for them,

(my knees),

Because shit -- I love cycling,

But how much damage am I doing here?

But my dad, who's sixty,

Moves around the racket ball court,

More nimbly than I do.

But imagine,

What I'll be like,

When I'm sixty.

It's really just another hill to climb.

And cyclists know how to climb hills.

The best part is:

I'm not solving this problem alone.

I have people helping me,

And caring,

And who are every bit as invested,

In how I do,

As I am.

People who know more than I do,

And are confident,

I'll figure this out.

I have yet to encounter,

A human endeavor,

That people respect,

Because it's easy.

Black Friday is DUMB

2011-11-25T09:34:00.001-08:00

People don't need to die or get hurt over Black Friday! What kind of world do we live in?

Just look at some of these headlines:

Man Dies After Wal-Mart Stampede

Black Friday Shopper Shot in Attempted Robbery

Pepper Spray Injures Black Friday Shoppers

Not to mention the tens of thousands of people whose Thanksgivings were cut short because they had to show up at work at 10PM, 11PM, or midnight on THANKSGIVING DAY -- just so retailers could get a head-start on their competition. What's next? I'll tell you what's next: Thursday Morning sales.

"Get your Black Friday shopping done a day early! Why waste your time gathered around a table with your family? Now you can spend Thanksgiving waiting in a line outside ShopCo being thankful for incredible deals!"

Fuck. Black. Friday.

DRUMROLLLLLLLLLLL PLEASE!

2011-11-22T17:30:00.001-08:00

Alright hat fans -- here's your winner(s) from this weeks' Gliderbison Giveaway!

It looks like sixteen of you entered, so I asked the magical Random Integer Generator to give me three integers between the numbers one and sixteen.

Without further ado -- the winners are:

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

15
2
8

Timestamp: 2011-11-23 01:37:35 UTC

So, that makes Alex the grand prize winner, Ian Crane (who gets extra credit for his haiku entry) the runner up, and rounding out the podium is VeryRustyBrown (Rusty, since Alex already said he wants the Exergy cap, and Ian prefers the Smith cap, you get to choose between the USA Pro Cycling Challenge hat and the Hammer visor).

E-mail me with your address, and I'll get those hats in the mail pronto!

Congratulations winners!

BRING ON THAT COLD! THAT WIND! THAT RAIN!

2011-11-22T17:09:00.001-08:00

COLD? WIND? RAIN? Pshhhh! More like SCHMOLD! SCHMIND!!!! SCHMAIN!!!!!!

I am not afraid of you cold! You know why? Because I know how to beat you, that's why! Whenever you try to get me, what with your icy fingers and your frigid breath -- I JUST GO HARDER AND YOU ARE VANQUISHED!

I'm not afraid of you wind! You know why? Because I know how to beat you, that's why! Whenever you try to get me, what with your blustery gusts and your persistent puffs -- I JUST PUT ON MY JACKET AND YOU ARE VANQUISHED!!

I'm not afraid of you rain! You know why? Because I know how to beat you, that's why! Whenever you try to get me, what with your shoe-soaking showers and your perilous puddles -- I JUST PUT ON MY FENDERS AND YOU ARE VANQUISHED!!!!

Cold, wind, and rain, I slice through you like this guy's legs slice through the air:

SOUR POWER

2011-11-19T18:31:00.001-08:00

When I was a child, I had a humongous sweet-tooth. I'd eat as much candy as my mother would allow me to, (which wasn't very much, despite my constant begging). Halloween and Easter, with their unrestrained candy gluttony, were my favorite holidays. Once I grew older however, and gained the agency necessary to bike down to the store on my own, things changed drastically. I would buy ten dollars worth of candy, and eat it all in one sitting. My favorite kind of candy was without question, the sour gummy. Sour Patch, Bright Crawlers, Sour Punch, Sour Coke Bottles, Gummi Peach-O's, you name it -- if it was soft, chewy and tart, I loved it. Well it turns out, some of that stuff is actually hazardously sour. As I just learned on Gizmodo, some sour candy is almost as bad for your teeth as battery acid.

I undoubtedly did permanent damage to my tooth enamel eating mass quantities of super sour candies. I remember puckering so hard I couldn't see straight -- and I loved it. It looks like the sour candy arms race has only escalated since I was a child too -- just look at this:

Yes, that's right: Toxic Waste Candy. Their slogan is "hazardously sour candy." Their website is themed like a nuclear power plant, and they feature pucker-videos where people try the Toxic Waste Challenge on camera and record their reactions:

You know, we live in a crazy world: feed your toddler battery acid, you're going to jail for child abuse. Feed him Toxic Waste, and that's some funny Youtube right there!

WIN WIN WIN, HATS HATS HATS

2011-11-16T07:43:00.001-08:00

I returned home from my splendid introduction to night biking feeling generous, and thus decided to offer up a GliderBison Giveaway. I looked in my box of swag and found an abundance of hats. Look at all these hats:

The funny thing? I don't even wear hats! At least not billed hats. The kind of hats I wear do two things:

Billed hats on the other hand, have never agreed with me.

Hammer Nutrition visor (with sweat-wicking brow)

See what I mean?

Exergy hat!

Believe me yet?

Smith Optics fat-billed hat.

Pretty awful, huh?

Official USA PRO CYCLING CHALLENGE HAT

I don't like billed hats for two reasons:

So you shall profit from my dislike of billed hats. To enter: simply leave a comment on this blog post with your name (NOTE: FACEBOOK ENTRIES DON'T COUNT!). Leaving your name is enough, but feel free to leave an actual comment, an anecdote, or a haiku too. You will be assigned a number based on the order that you commented, and I'll draw a winner using a random number generator one week from today (11/22/11). One entry per person please. I'll draw three winners, so your odds are good. GOOD LUCK!

Night Mountain Biking

2011-11-16T06:50:00.001-08:00

Last night was hoot! A trip! A doosie! I went mountain biking, which by itself isn't too out of the ordinary -- only this time I did it at night. It's crazy, but even though I've been mountain biking many many times, and I know the nearby trails well, I felt like I was tying something completely new. During the day, mountain biking is a wonderful way so survey the countryside and enjoy the scenery. At night, mountain biking feels like going hyper-speed through an asteroid field in a blizzard -- it's disorienting, it's challenging, and it's awesome. I started down World Cycle:

The NiteRider rep was in town, and was offering their full range of lights to demo:

I chose a modest 600-lumen helmet-mounted light...

...which was more than enough to turn night into day out on the trail. Now I said modest, but that's only in comparison to the rest of NiteRider's product line (they offer a 3,000-lumen model, which is brighter than any car headlight). I'm used to commuting through town with a much smaller 90-lumen light, so by comparison I felt like I had a piece of the sun strapped to my head. Night biking feels kind of like riding through a tunnel -- you can see what's ahead with perfect clarity, but you have no idea what's above, below, or to the sides. It can be nerve-wracking: is that a small drop-off to my right? or the edge of a bottomless crevasse?

Finally I returned to World Cycle freezing and tired, and was greeted with a sandwich spread and a keg of nice beer. What a swell way to finish off a swell night.

Despite being cold, I give the thumbs up:

Thanks World Cycle and NiteRider for the splendid introduction to the world of night biking.

Email Gold!

2011-11-15T16:11:00.001-08:00

I love it when a real zinger lands in your e-mail inbox. Like this morning for instance:

From: Drew

Subject: D&D

Any interest in getting back into it?

To which I quickly responded:

Dear sir, I can only assume that, given your choice to send such a brief message via e-mail, you take this matter seriously. Were this but a passing whim, you would have used the informal txt or facebook message -- but your e-mail, second only to carrier pigeon and telegraph in the weight it wields as a mode of communication, shall be treated with the utmost respect. Therefore, it is with no small amount of schoolchild-like giddiness, that I formally respond YES to your query. Your memo lacked certain points of clarity, but fear not, regardless of particulars, you can count me in. I advise us to acquire a copy of the latest edition of the Dungeon Master's Handbook, Players Handbook, and Monstrous Manual post haste.

Cordially yours,

Krogg

Level 1 Barbarian. Buffalo familiar. Two-handed double-bladed battle axe.

My Day in Pictures....

2011-11-15T15:53:00.001-08:00

So few days ago, Krogg harvest pears from tree. Krogg proud of harvest method: shake tree with all caveman might, and pears fall to ground. Then Krogg have dilemma: what Krogg DO with all those pears? Well, now you see. KROGG MAKE GOODIES!!!!

Krogg very proudly make one pie. But pie lots of work. Much rolling sticky dough. So Krogg choose to make cobblers with remaining pears. Krogg deliver pie to Dave -- Dave own pear tree, so he get the fruit of Krogg labor. Then Krogg eat part of one cobbler. Then Krogg drop one cobbler off at Occupy Boise. Krogg curious about Occupy Boise anyway, and besides...those cold campers probably HUNGRY FOR COBBLER!

Krogg halfway expect to get tear gassed or hit with riot baton, but Occupy Boise very calm and quiet. Krogg have short conversation about Occupy Wall Street, and then offer cobbler. Then Krogg go. Maybe next time, Krogg cook lasagna.

IT BEGINS

2011-11-14T13:20:00.001-08:00

November is a special time of year. Boise is magical all year round, and the Fall is no exception. The trees that give Boise its name are taking turns changing colors and shedding their magnificent plumage. Our famous football team, the BCS-busting-Broncos, suffer their annual stinging loss at the hands of a lesser foe, thus smashing our collective hopes of a championship title. And for me, it's November when I start preparing for the upcoming season in earnest.

The transition that takes place in my mind is subtle and gradual. Usually after I finish my final race, I don't even want to look at my road bike (or any bike for that matter), let alone ride it. I embrace my off-season with reckless abandon, and satisfy my craving for all those indulgences I just spent the last nine months resisting: I eat unhealthy food and drink alcohol. I stay up late and dance til dawn. I travel places (gulp) without my bike. However, it isn't long before I realize the weather is still quite nice, and the foothill trails look quite appetizing. I start messing around on my mountain bike when I feel like it, but still flippantly neglect my road bike. I get my ass back into the gym, eager to banish the pathetic weakling inhabiting my body. I attend cyclcross races purely to spectate (and eat waffles and drink beer). Slowly, as my previous racing season fades into the goulash of my long-term memory, thoughts of training begin to creep into my head. I feel like a bear who feels a bitter chill in the morning air and knows deep down that some day soon, inevitably, it will be time to hibernate. It builds for weeks, and preparations (both conscious and subconscious) are made. I change my worn tire. I charge up my Garmin. Then finally it hits -- I get on my bike, and I'm no longer in 2011. I'm in 2012. That's where next season starts. That's where I say: my success in May is earned today; it's not too soon to prep for June.

Pear Harvest

2011-11-11T10:45:00.001-08:00

I shook the pear tree
Pies, tarts, cobblers, and chutney
Fine fate for Fall fruit

November Cricket

2011-11-10T11:02:00.001-08:00

I just had to share this e-mail from my mother. She lives in Kansas, and does a fair amount of bicycle riding out there. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's a "cyclist" because that implies things like spandex, clipless pedals, and/or high speeds -- all of which my mother wants nothing to do with. She does, however, share my fascination with animals crossing the road (I suppose, as her offspring, I share her fascination, but I digress). Here's her account of the November Cricket:

I forgot to tell you about my ride on Saturday. It was ridiculously windy (35-40 mph), and I could barely keep the bike going forward in 1st gear. It was mostly cloudy. And it was cold (I wore my earmuffs and mittens). On my way back I saw a cricket on the bike path. It was so pathetic. It was creeping slowly along the asphalt, and then the wind blew it over. There was something tragically heroic about it. After flailing in slow motion on its back for a while, it did manage to right itself and trudge onward. Onward to inevitable oblivion. November cricket.

The next thing I wanted to share also comes from Kansas. A nutrition professor at Kansas State just lost 28 lbs. on the Twinkie Diet. He ate doughnuts and Hostess cakes and Twinkies all day long, and by most measures, got healthier. The trick was, he limited himself to a total of 1,800 calories per day, while his caloric needs were probably more like 2,600. His work isn't groundbreaking in any way -- eat less than you burn and you'll lose weight -- but it raises the question: what is health? Is it better to look healthy or to be healthy? As a cyclist who consumes an extremely high-calorie diet, I often struggle with the apparent lack of consequences regarding my dietary choices. Overall, maintaining a low BMI, and exercising a lot is probably healthier for me, regardless of my diet, than obesity. But simply because I can consume 3,000 calories of sugar per day without getting fat doesn't mean I should.

Now, to make you sad, the Western Black Rhinoceroses has officially been declared extinct. Nice work, humans.

Now, to cheer you up, watch this awesome commercial about what happens when you slip muscle relaxants to the football team:

BUNNY!

2011-11-09T10:42:00.000-08:00

I HEREBY PROCLAIM TODAY TO BE:
RABBIT AND BUNNY AWARENESS DAY

FACT: Rabbits are different than bunnies.

Rabbits are mean. They bite, they scratch, and they go STRAIGHT FOR THE NECK!:

Whereas bunnies are really cute. They deliver chocolate eggs in the night:

FACT: Rabbits (and bunnies) are NOT rodents. They're lagomorphs. So are pikas.

Ahem. From Wikipedia:

Lagomorphs differ from rodents in that:
they have four incisors in the upper jaw (not two, as in the Rodentia)

they are almost wholly herbivorous (unlike rodents, many of which will eat both meat and vegetation)

the male's scrotum is in front of the penis (unlike rodents', which is behind)

the penis contains no bone (baculum), unlike in rodents
However, they resemble rodents in that their teeth grow throughout their life, thus necessitating constant chewing to keep them from growing too long.

Clearly, the differences in teeth and genitalia warrant an entirely separate order.

FACT: Rabbits are superb hoppers.

I mean just look at these photos from the 2011 European Rabbit Hopping Championships. Special thanks to Chris Wingfield for sharing.

Here's a sample:

The Off-Season Job

2011-11-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

These days, finding a good job is harder than stalking a jaguar through thick jungle in the dead of night with nothing more than a rusty compass and some dowsing rods. Personally, I'm fortunate enough to have a fantastic job starting on January first of next year. Until then, I'm looking for work! This isn't the first time I'm found myself looking for work, however; if you've followed my blog long enough, you've seen me go through all sorts of job-search related contortions. Here's a quick run-down:

In 2007 I got a job as a carpenter by posting a "hire me!" ad on Craigslist.
In 2008 I got a job (albeit not a paying one) in the Obama campaign in Santa Fe.
In 2009 I applied to work at Starbucks...on the very day they laid off 6,700 people. Much hilarity ensued.
Later in 2009 I learned some lessons about life, liberty, and the pursuit of paychecks -- and kicked off my very fruitful stint at Cycle University.
In 2011 I finally got my first job racing bicycles, and oh, what a glorious job that was.

However, just because I'm a "made man" in the cycling world, doesn't mean I'm immune to the same down economy that we all are. In fact, despite earning my first pro card, I've found myself in very familiar territory for this time of year: out of money, almost out of bike parts to sell (anyone want to buy an XL road bike? or some Bont shoes?), and growing more and more discouraged by my failure to convince someone to hire me. I've been trying to sweet-talk my way into being a salesman an outdoor retailer of some sort or another. "I'm articulate, accommodating, and artistic," I say, "not to mention flexible, friendly, and foxy!" (I don't mean foxy attractive -- I mean foxy clever and somewhat furry (it is Movermber after all.).) But my resumes have laid idle, my phone unringing. "I've actually been to the outdoors," I say, "like on purpose -- all the time." But apparently so have all the other applicants.

So, a winter of austerity it might well be. Friends, family, significant other...I apologize in advance: my diet shall probably consist largely of pinto beans and rice until further notice. Let's hope my Beano ration holds.

THEY'RE DONE!

2011-11-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

Remember that simulated mission to Mars I mentioned nearly a year ago? Yeah -- they finally finished their "journey to Mars," and were released from their capsules. They made it, and not only that, nobody lost his mind and tried to blow his buddy out the airlock. Apparently, they had access to the internet the whole time, which, when you think about it -- sitting in a tiny room watching Youtube all day for 18 months isn't too far from the life that many Americans already lead. Here's an article about the mission, and here's the video showing when they opened the doors for the first time (fast forward to timecode 2:00 to cut to the chase).

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

2011-11-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just scratch your head, you know?

It's like Napoleon Dynamite from another dimension. My favorite parts include:
0:31 "hold my beer grandma -- I gotta get in there"
0:58 "Jesus I almost sliced the dog in half"

While that was a real head-scratcher (thanks for that Sterling), this next video should be a much more recognizable format at this point:

I truly hope for all the reptiles and amphibians out there have gotten themselves all tucked away in a nice burrow somewhere to sit out the winter -- it snowed today in Boise. SNOWED! WINTER! COMING IN HOT (or cold rather)!

Pure Gold

2011-11-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Gold is a cool and all, but I simply don't understand humankind's fascination with the stuff. All this fuss over shiny metal? I just learned a little bit about the alchemists, the "scientists" in the times before we discovered the periodic table of the elements who thought it was possible to transmute one substance to another. Everyone was rushing to find a philosopher's stone that could convert any metal into gold. Because urine was yellow, it was assumed that gold must be in some way an integral part of the human body. The alchemists boiled gallons of urine, and in turn discovered phosphorus. Gross but cool.

Our culture is no less fascinated with gold than any other. Financial annalists squawk about the price of gold, jewelry companies try to convince me gold is the only way to express my love, and there are numerous companies that try to buy or sell gold from the public. In general I am extremely wary of any offers I see on either TV or the internet regarding the gold market. Some businesses want to sell me gold, others want to buy my gold -- all of them seem shady. Truth be told, some of them are! Just gross.

Well, I must say, in the spirit of those Hilarious Antagonistic Email Exchanges I commented on some time ago, my hat is off to this guy. Just cool:

I GOTTA CLEAR SOME THINGS UP!

2011-11-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT -- I GOTTA CLEAR SOME THINGS UP! The internet is filled with bent truths, incomplete truths, inconvenient truths, and downright untruths. Normally I'm fine with this, but when these less-than-the-whole-truths are about ME, that's where I draw the line! By now, you've no doubt seen the latest installment of the Manual for Speed. It's entitled "Nutrition for Pros," and features yours truly. I gotta say, the video is pretty funny -- see for yourself:

A Manual for Speed: Sam Johnson on Nutrition for Pros from manualforspeed on Vimeo.

And yes, the recipes utilizing Hammer Nutrition products are mine.

But I TAKE UMBRAGE at the notion that I still resort to such desperate measures! NO. Not true! I mean there was a time, sure, when my bin of Hammer Products held a significant caloric advantage over my bin of actual food. 2007 was a had its ups and downs. But I haven't made Perpetuem pancakes in years (at least not out of necessity). YEARS, YOU HEAR ME? My quality of life, and quality of diet has risen steadily since those days (no offence Hammer Nutrition), and things have gotten downright plush by comparison after making the jump to Team Exergy.

And therein lies the bent truth -- domestic pros, most of us at least, aren't exactly rocketing our way to being millionaires -- but we still get race our bicycles for a living. We aren't really fighting for survival. Let me repeat that: we race our bicycles for a living! I don't care how meager that living may be, or how many sacrifices we make in order to keep this job, in the big scheme of things we're extremely fortunate to do what we do. Not only that, I felt the exact same way back in 2007 when I was an amateur eating Perpetuem for dinner. You know why? Because it was worth it! I chose to live that way: the satisfaction I extracted from my life as a racer more than made up for the occasional discomfort I had to endure. I didn't feel sorry for myself -- I felt privileged! I had the freedom to chase down my dreams. Not only that, I had the support of my family and friends in doing so. And, most importantly, I wasn't preoccupied by bigger worries. It's hard to complain about eating Perpetuem pancakes while others on this planet are struggling just to eat.

Internet, Thank You

2011-10-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

Insurance companies can't be all bad -- not if they're paying people to make these wonderful guinea-pig based commercials. If you haven't seen this yet, you're missing out. Here's the TV spot:

And here's the awesome extended bit, which features real live guinea pig actors:

I Saved a TOAD!

2011-10-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

A toad in the road
"MOVE, stubby tail! Off the trail!"
Slow crawl to safety

October's first frost
Go hibernate already
Amphibian fool

New News is News!

2011-10-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

I kick ass at the internet. I visit all the coolest pages, click on all the best links, see all the funniest cat videos, and sift through all the headiest forums and discussion boards -- all while avoiding the pitfalls of viruses, scams, and smut that plague lesser internet users. I vainly fancy myself a jedi night of the web, but there is a lot of it out there, and sometimes good web pages go un-viewed. In this post, I want to share a few cycling-based websites that are new to me. I'll let Krogg explain what's cool about these sites:

Krogg discover CycleDirt on Twitter. Krogg not good cyclecross racer, but cyclecross still hold place in Krogg heart. CycleDirt all about cyclrcross, and mostly focus on USA. CycleDirt make giant fantasy rankings of cyclecross to see WHO NUMBER 1! Krogg love fantasy rankings because Krogg easily insert self: one time krogg beat Ryan Trombone in time trial (Ryan no have aero equipment, but that irrelevant), and Ryan kick ass in rankings -- THEREFORE Krogg could be at least second in rankings if Krogg wanted. Krogg love CycleDirt because of funny videos and because Logan Owen and Steve Fisher get props -- THOSE CAVEMEN DESERVE PROPS!

Cyclismas website blend kind of like coffee blend, or house red wine -- Krogg have no idea where it's from, but Krogg like. Part news, part commentary, part humor. Krogg enjoy recent story about Lance at recent XTerra race -- here quote:

Armstrong’s 23rd place overshadowed a phenomenal performance by Austrian Michael Weiss, who was the actual winner of the event. The jublilant Austrian’s press conference, however, was interrupted by Armstrong’s bellows of comeback 3.0 at the back of the room, swaying the press corps’ attention away from the victor.
“After a few seconds of deliberation, it is my intention to return to the sport of professional cycling. I have already spoken with my mentor, Johan Bruyneel, who is welcoming me with open arms to his new team that was to be led by the Schleck Brothers. I look forward to potentially helping, or inspiring, or torpedoing, their efforts to win a Tour, depending on whatever I feel like doing at the time,” declared a stubborn Armstrong.

See? It funny because Lance already come out of retirement once! Krogg realize that Cyclimas pretty much only funny to people who already read WAY too much about cycling in first palce, but if you one of those people -- enjoy!

KROGG DRAW BUGS

2011-10-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

ONE DAY IN LIBRARY KROGG ENCOUNTER COOL BOOK ABOUT BUGS. KROGG CHECK OUT BOOK, AND DRAW GIANT BUGS. CHECK OUT KROGG GIANT BUGS -- REMEMBER THESE HUGE DRAWINGS, SO CLICK TO ENLARGE AND SEE DETAIL.

TODAY IS AN IMPORTANT DAY

2011-10-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

TODAY IS IMPORTANT!

First off, our roster is finalized, and has been released to the world. Read all about it at Peloton Magazine. I'd personally like to welcome good friend and former team mate Morgan Schmitt to the program. We were racing together WAY back in 2006 on the Broadmark Capitol Cycling Team. Morgan's been a pro ever since then, but he and I have stayed in touch, and I'm thrilled to see him on Exergy. Prepare for the best season of your life Mo'Chedda.

Next -- and this is huge -- today is my dad's birthday! Not just that, it's his 60th birthday! For those of you who are lucky to know Roy Johnson, make sure you wish him happy birthday. While I don't mention him much here on the blog, just trust me when I say I'd never have become a bicycle racer without his unwavering, unconditional support. Thanks daddy. Happy 60th birthday.

My renaissance-man of a father.

Life and Death

2011-10-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Halloween. There is no time of year that more effectively makes me ponder the meaning of life....than zombie season. Something about watching a shotgun wielding hero brutally dismember of legions of the undead really makes me appreciate all small stuff -- my morning coffee, a sunrise, or not having evil demons posses my friends and family members for instance. Here's what I've been doing to get my zombie fix of late:

Walking Dead. This TV series is a very contemporary take on zombies and the problems they create. While sure, the story is set in a zombie infested wasteland, the zombies themselves are much less prominent than the characters and their drama. Less gore, more grappling with the psychological hardships of scrambling for survival in a dangerous place.

Contemplating attending the Zombie Pub Crawl. LivingSocial does these organized activities, where you sign up to partake in a cool experience. Imagine invading a bar dressed as a zombie (and with an army of the undead at your back), and taking to the dance floor for a night of shaking booty -- corpse style! Corny? Yes. Fun? Hell yes.

Going to Evil Dead the Musical. If you ever watched the glorious, gory-ious B-movie trilogy of Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness, then you'd absolutely love the stage adaptation. First off (and best off), it's a musical. Second, it absolutely nails the campy, B-movie flair that made the movies so popular. Boise Weekly wrote a great review of the production, so I won't bother doing the same. I don't recall ever seeing a stage production whereat a shit-eating grin was so thoroughly plastered across my face the entire time. Thanks Daisy's Madhouse -- you nailed it.

MORE SAVED SNAKES

2011-10-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

I've been in the snake saving business for quite some time, but these two late season additions should bolster my stats, and do wonders for me come next seasons's fantasy cycling draft. The big one was clearly the smarter of the two, and he moved off the trail with little fuss. The small snake was an insolent little wretch, and instead of moving, decided to hold his ground, hiss like crazy, and bite the little stick I was using to herd him to safety. Such ingratitude!
Big snake:

Little snake attempt 1:

Little snake attempt 2 (with water):

(note: I got both of them off the trail safely.)

Reunions.

2011-10-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

College. College reunion. Five-year college reunion. Christ, already!? I just left that place! Deep breath. Let's take stock: since leaving college I have done the following:

race bicycles
grow older

Is that it? Pretty much. But chill out, it's not a contest. You're attending this thing to reunite. To remember. Wow, remember college? What a life. What a way of life. So few worries. So much learning. So dynamic: busy all day, mentally and physically hyper-stimulated, incredible teachers, incredible peers, massive array of activities to choose from, never enough sleep, never caught up, broke as can be, but what a rich life! So simple. So sheltered.

Nervous.

Excited!

Self conscious -- what are we doing? Those days are over. Grow up, alumni. That fleeting magic of college is gone...right? Spending a weekend drinking cheap beer for old times sake, and repeating the same three-minute summary of "what I've been up to the last five years" isn't going to bring it back. Or won't it? Can't we re-kindle those embers, albeit only for a weekend? What about my friends? Those hundreds of friends I gathered throughout college? The ones I shared real experiences and real connections with, but have since been reduced to the occasional status update or tagged photo. The ones I'd study with until the middle of the night, or who'd join me for brunch on Sundays. The ones who'd attend chamber music concerts, and then argue about the meaning of art with me. The ones who I'd meet at 4AM at the track to figure out (once and for all this time) who can run a mile faster. The ones who I'd see only rarely, and only at two AM, on the back porch of a house party, smoking cigarettes. Will they still be the same? Or will they have morphed into older, lamer, richer, less idealistic, fatter, married, pregnant versions of their former selves? Oh the nerves.

Like most things in life, the beginning was awkward. All those old faces! Look there's Jack! There's Maggie! There's Stephen! I want to know what he does now! I want to hear how her life is going! But it's overwhelming. Too many people to catch up with. Too little time. Sure it was great hearing how John is an air traffic controller, and that Beth is a day trader, but I end up talking to Dylan for nearly half an hour -- more words than we'd exchanged throughout our entire four years of college combined! We didn't share much then, and don't share much now...why the hell did we do that? Awkwardness? Politeness? Because we're "real adults" now? We talked about the weather for crying out loud! What a waste. I threw out my voice the first night, shouting, over and over again to loose acquaintances in a crowded bar, the fact that "yeah, I'm still racing bicycles." By the end of the night I feel schmoozed out -- but that's all it was. Schmoozing. Lots of schmoozing.

Then, on Saturday, the dam of my current self burst, and gave way to the man I was in college. I released my desire to have a token exchange with everyone I used to be friends with, and instead just enjoyed being at a party, surrounded by my friends. I mostly talked with those I was closest to, and so did everyone else. The old dynamics, resurfacing, ossifying. By the end of the night, if I saw an old friend, a glance across the room was enough to satisfy me. A moment of eye-contact that said: yes, our friendship was real, and our times together were special, and I'm happy to see that you're alive and well -- but a glance will have to do for now. And that's when the magic of college came roaring back to life. Albeit only for a weekend.

Wallet Time

2011-10-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned last week, I recently had my wallet stolen while in Paris, France. This meant I had to replace the wallet itself, and its contents. First, I went to a store and purchased a new wallet. I'd maintained my previous one for nearly a decade, so the change has been jarring (my old one was a tri-fold, this one a bi-fold -- shocking, I know). Then I called my bank, my health insurance company, and went to the DMV. I found the time-frame which which the various companies or institutions reacted to my request for a replacement card somewhat ironic. My bank materialized a new debit card before I even finished saying the words "I lost my...." **Poof** It was there the next day in the mail -- lord knows how they did it (my guess: they borrowed those same gnomes who deliver Netflix). The insurance card showed up later in the week, and naturally, I'm still waiting on my drivers license. In light of the national unrest and anger aimed at the banking and health insurance industries, they did manage to deliver some rather speedy customer service. I doubt my bank would give me a loan if I asked for one, but heaven forbid I have to spend more than forty-eight hours without access to my precious money! I GOTTA BUY THINGS, RIGHT??! The government run DMV on the other hand has taken its sweet time getting me a new ID (although truth be told, they issued me a cardboard temporary license that, while garnering many suspicious looks from bouncers at bars, is ultimately valid). What really bums me out about losing my wallet is losing the irreplaceable items. I had seven punches on my Taco Del Mar punch card, those bastards!

Music and Math

2011-10-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

This morning shall be devoted to music and math. First, the music. I've been to two concerts this week (which might be my lifetime record for most concerts attended in one week). Oddly enough, at both of those concerts, I liked the opening bands far more than the headliners. On Tuesday I saw the Velvet Teen, a blast from my past (more to come on that):

And last night, I got my little mind micro-blown by this Edmonton duo called The Purity Ring (this isn't an official video, but it's disturbingly sweet):

Now then, on to the math.
I'd like to point you to this particularly well written article about the largest numbers in existence. By "in existence" the article's author is referring to the largest number we (meaning mathematicians) can actually use for something. It's a fun little adventure of the mind, and if you're not used to stretching your brain with theoretical numbers, you'll be astounded how quickly the limits of your comprehension are reached. Also, if you liked that article, I'd also suggest reading the companion piece about infinity -- did you know that not all infinities are created equal? That some are larger than others? I don't get it either, but I had fun trying.

Observations

2011-10-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I'd take every opportunity to fill my gullet to the brim with the nutritional abomination known as sugary, colorful breakfast cereal. Part of me (the morbid part), would love to see the volume of sugar I've consumed thus far in my life. I wonder how much? Enough to fill a kiddy pool? Certainly. Enough to fill the Boston aquarium? Maybe, and largely thanks to those cereals. We would tear through a sack of Malt-o-Meal Coco Roos like a pack of wild dogs tearing through a deer carcass, which was fitting because those sacks more closely resembled 50 lb bags of dog food than they did breakfast for children. I'd go over to my friend's houses and get busted eating Waffle Crisp out of a mixing bowl. Downing a whole box of Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs in an afternoon wasn't unheard of (hell, it wasn't even uncommon). I've eaten enough cereal for several lifetimes. Which is why I'm relieved that I no longer find those cereals appetizing. Don't get me wrong, if left with little choice, I'll still eat the occasional serving of Cap'n Crunch. But it's not the same. I get grossed out after two or three bowls. I mean bites -- I get grossed out after two or three bites. My tastes have changed. Now I even find the "lightly sweetened" GoLean Crisp a little too sweet. I've have had to start cutting my GoLean with raw millet to balance it out.
KEXP Finally came out with an Android App! JOYOUS DAY! Now I can stay tuned into the best radio station in the face of the planet from my phone. Thanks KEXP -- I'm thrilled to be back!
I FIXED MY PANTS. I bought a sewing machine. I taught myself how to use it. I looked up videos online that demonstrated how to fix ripped jeans, and voila! Those nice Lucky 7's Alan gave me years ago with the ripped butt? BACK IN BUSINESS! Those corduroys with the blown crotch seam? LOOKING GREAT! Go me.

Note: not my pants. Or my butt.

Bam!

2011-09-29T17:27:00.001-07:00

A Wee Little Update

2011-09-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

So here's the latest, in no particular order.

I. In Which I Get My Wallet Stolen in Paris

To the people who I asked to guard my backpack for a split second at the tapas restaurant: FUCK YOU! I mean stealing my wallet out of my backpack was one thing, but what really takes the cake is the fact that most of you (everyone except the actual thief presumably) sat there and watched me freak out, empty my backpack on the sidewalk, and suffer the emotional roller coaster that accompanies getting your wallet stolen in a foreign country. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart: FUCK YOU. Seeing as how you failed to extract any money from my debit card, and failed to check out a city bike of Paris using my account (though I have evidence that you tried to do both), I hope you found the 40 euros you walked away a satisfying prize. Yeah, that purse was well worth the risk. For a final time: FUCK YOU!

II. In Which I Won't Be Attending Business School This Fall

The story here is short: I wasn't granted in-state tuition. I can't afford out of state tuition. I guess I'll have to wait until next fall. Awh bugger.

III. In Which Not Everything Sucks

You know what sucks? Not going to business school this Fall. You know what sucks more? Getting my wallet stolen in Paris. You know what does not suck, however? Getting a contract for the 2012 season in my e-mail inbox this morning.

IV. In Which I've Been Graduated For FIVE FRICKIN' YEARS!

Cripes -- it's been five years! Yes, five years ago this summer, I walked down that fancy carpet, shook hands with the man in the gown, and accepted a piece of paper in a leather case that says I finished college. You can pretty much read my blog from cover to cover to see what happened next. This weekend, I return to my academic stomping grounds to re-live my college days. I plan on drinking cheap beer, playing some frisbee, and listening to some coffeehouse rock! I also fully expect to be surprised by who's gotten married/had kids/gotten fat, to get propositioned for donations by the school's administration, and to repeatedly learn about how much more money my classmates make than I do (or how much more in debt they are after getting their PhD's). Honestly, it should be a rollicking good time.

The City Bikes of Paris

2011-09-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to share with you the wonderful city bikes of Paris. The city bikes of Paris are how I chose to explore this grand city, and I found them cheaper, easier, and better than any other mode of public transportation I've found. Here's a station of bikes waiting to be checked out:

Every bike station comes with a kiosk that has the computer interface from which you check out the bike, as well as a map which shows nearby stations. The stations were everywhere in downtown paris, and I rarely had to walk more than three or four blocks before finding a station. I could reliably grab a bike, zip across Paris without knowing where I was going, and count on finding a bike station with a few blocks if I found something cool I wanted to explore. Here's the kiosk:

The purple dots on the map indicate other stations. Look how many!

The program was pretty cheap. It cost seven euro to get a week-long pass, and any trip that was under half an hour was free. If you checked out a bike for more than half an hour (like I would when I'd get lost), they charge you a euro each half-hour. Thus, a trip of 90 minutes cost 2 euro. Not bad, considering that one ride on the subway cost almost that much. Here's a view of the cockpit of one of Paris' finest steeds:

The bike comes with everything you need: a 3-speed transmission (plenty for the gentle hills of Paris), a handy basket, a bell to warn pedestrians that you're riding the wrong direction down that one-way street, a handy basket, and instructions for how to safely pass a bus. Naturally, I put the adjustable seatpost to the upper limit.

The bikes mount into their docking station through a very well-designed metal slot thingie. The bikes were pretty heavy, but most of the time getting them in or out of the docking station wasn't hard.

The red-light indicates that this bike isn't ready to be checked out.

The system wasn't perfect; there were a few down sides to the city bikes of Paris, the biggest being that sometimes a station was simply out of bikes when you wanted one, or totally full of bikes when you wanted to drop one off, forcing you to look on the map for the next closest station and keep searching. Another threat was checking out a bike and realizing, after you'd punched in your code and chosen your bike, that the thing was missing a crank arm. It didn't take me long before I got in the habit of performing a quick inspection on my potential steed: do the tires have air? check. Does it have both cranks? Check. Are the fenders all fucked up and rubbing on the tires? Check. Let's go! Here's a video where I try to show the magic and charm of riding my bike through the streets of Paris...when a Mercedes sedan cuts me off and I have to slam on the brakes (one-handed), and hop off my bike without dropping my phone.

Paris, Take It or Leave It

2011-09-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

Eating Like a PRO

2011-09-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

So I was cleaning out the drafts folder of my Blogger account, and found this gem from back in 2008. Not sure how this never made it out, but enjoy this blast from past:

Have you ever found yourself so goddam broke you don't have a goddam dime with which to purchase tasty food, but simultaneously are in possession of thousands (upon thousands upon thousands) of calories worth of Hammer Nutrition products? ME TOO! With these handy Hammer Nutrition product recipes, you'll eat like a king all year! All you need are a few additional staple items, a full range of Hammer products, and perhaps an open mind regarding what constitutes a "meal." Without further ado:

Gliderbison's

Hammer Product Cookbook

So starving athletes don't actually starve!

Get's A THUMBS UP From The Hagens Berman CYCLING TEAM

Perpetuem Pancakes

1 cup Hammer Perpetuem
1 cup cake flour (optional)
1 egg (optional)
1 teaspoon baking soda (optional)
1 teaspoon (two gel caps worth) Endurolytes
Water

Mix available ingredients. Add water and stir until consistency is that of pancake batter. Pour batter onto skillet and cook. [note: Perpetuem has a fairly low burning temperature -- keep a close eye to avoid burning!]. Serve with generous dollop of Apple Cinnamon Hammer Gel. Enjoy!

Peanut Butter and Hammer Gel Triple-Decker Sandwich

3 slices bread (or hot dog buns if that's all you have)
2 tablespoons peanut butter (optional)
2 tablespoons (or 2 individual packets) of Montana Huckleberry Hammer Gel

Apply thin later of peanut butter to two separate slices of bread, and set aside, butter side up. Take third slice of bread and apply thin coat of Huckleberry Hammer Gel to one side. Marry gel coated bread with one slice of butter coated bread, as though you were making a normal (lame) PB&J sandwich. Then -- now follow me closely here -- apply Hammer Gel to the outside of the completed sandwich, making sure to apply the gel to the piece of bread which was gel coated in the first place. Finish the sandwich by placing the second butter coated bread on top of the gel coated sandwich. When you're finished you should have a sandwich where the inner piece of bread is coated on both sides with Hammer Gel, and the outer two pieces of bread remain protected from getting soggy by their layers of hydrophobic peanut oil. Let this sucker sit for an hour (or a few days) before eating -- the inner piece of bread will become fully saturated with gel, thus minimizing on the mess (Hammer Gel is runny stuff), and making the whole thing take on jelly doughnut-like qualities. Yum.

Hammerchino

1 cup boiling water
2 tablespoons Espresso Hammer Gel

Fill a water bottle with water and Espresso gel, and secure cap. Shake vigorously until frothy. Sip snootily on sidewalk.

Pasta a la Last Resort

Pasta
Plain Hammer Gel
Water

I'm not proud of this one. This is for when you're truly truly up shit creek without a paddle. Boil pasta and drain. Add hammer gel. Season with Endurolytes. "Enjoy."

Nope, Nothing Good Here...

2011-09-22T06:30:00.001-07:00

Paris is For Suckers

2011-09-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

Paris Photos

2011-09-21T00:41:00.001-07:00

Queue sepia filter:

The Path of Coincidence

2011-09-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

The world spins with more grace than usual this morning. The stars and planets are aligned such that the gravitational pull from the center of the universe is perfectly counterbalanced by the gravitational pull from the center of the galaxy. The weight on my shoulders seems lighter than usual, or at least less cumbersome. There is a haze of coincidence in the air. I must be in Paris.

Look at our planet:

Then look at the people flying:

Then go read Martin's awesome writeup about winning the FRIGGIN JERSEY.

Duo Normand: Done, Season: Over

2011-09-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

That's right, my season of bike racing is officially over. We raced the famous famous Duo Normand in a not-record time of an hour and twelve minutes. The wind was howling and the rain was sideways, but the crowds were numerous and the course was clean. Kai and I suffered greatly, as you'd expect, and the soreness I feel throughout my legs would testify to the truth of my words. Jimmie Christmas that hurt! It hurt early on when we got a nice fast start, and settled into our rhythm. It hurt when the rain picked up and stung my skin and blinded my eyes. It hurt when we hit the rollers at 30k -- every one of those beasts was a kick to the lungs and a punch to the quads. Staying aero while climbing a hill feels vaguely like being put in a full-nelson, only self-inflicted. Things really got painful inside the last ten kilometers, once our two-minute men were in view, and the smell of the finish line entered our nostrils in earnest. We passed those wankers with about 5k left to go. I suffered a mild "bio-mechanical" with 3k left, the gasket of my pain threshold finally blowing it's seal for good. Kai dragged me the final few kilometers at a pace that disappointed us both: he could have gone faster, and I knew it. Good for fifteenth place. Not bad. Not a bad note to end on.

Now I'm off to Paris. Gotta go, the train's a leavin'!

One Last Thing...

2011-09-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

You must scope out my sister's blog ASAP. She's been cranking out the new work like it's her job...cuz hey, that's what you do when you...ahem...don't have a job. Hopefully she can keep it up, now that she's recently found steady employment (congrats by the way!). Welcome back to the workforce lil' sis.

Cathedrals

2011-09-17T05:25:00.000-07:00

Gargoyles. Flying buttresses. Gothic spires -- OH MY!

Omaha Beach

2011-09-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

We made the trip to Omaha beach and the World World Two memorial. I found it much more moving than I'd expected. I knew roughly what I was in for (I mean, who hasn't seen Saving Private Ryan), but whoah did it really sink in hard what out soldiers did out there. Part of what compounded the effect what walking around the Duo Normand's start town of Marigny, and experiencing the lasting gratitude the residents of that town feel towards Americans. Marigny was almost leveled during the American offensive called Operation Cobra. To push the Germans back from the Norman peninsula, allied bombers basically bombed the ever-loving tar out of a bunch of towns that served as German strongholds. After the war, American towns formed partnerships with French towns, and sent money and supplies to help with the rebuilding. Westport, Connecticut basically funded the reconstruction of Marigny, France, and the citizens are still grateful to this day. Here we are in the paper touching the Operation Cobra memorial in Marigny:

Anyway, here are some photos of our WWII outing.

PATCHY COVERAGE, PLEASE HOLD

2011-09-17T04:24:00.000-07:00

Good lord, France appears to be a place where good wifi signals go to die. It's been harder to find good wifi in Saint Lo than it was to find a clean cyclist in the early nineties. I apologize for the lack of posting -- it's not for lack of trying.

Now then, I did write an update for the team website. Read that here.

Also, I stumbled across a cool old velodrome outside Saint Lo, and stitched together this panorama:

CLICK ME TO ENLARGE!

Next, I took a few videos (remember, these aren't visible if you're viewing this on Facebook). Here's a strange brew:

And here's a little snippet if what my days have been filled with:

Next, I'll point you to the blog of the Honorable Ian Crane Esq., who is currently in Souderton, PA, racing the Univest Grand Prix. I had a splendid run-in with the very same race some years ago, and I thoroughly enjoyed being transported back to the rustic, Pennsylvania Dutch, countryside. Ian, I'd recommend the funny cake. It's delicious. UPDATE: Ian tried it! LOOK:

DIE JET LAG, YOU BASTARD!!!

2011-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Of the many things I hate about jetlag, the worst is sensing that my body is both in need of rest, andcompletely unwilling to take it. Dammit brain, power-down, will you?

Of the many frustrating things I hateabout jet lag, the worst is realizing that tomorrow will be anotherday of battling waves of near overwhelming fatigue. Those waves will probably hit just aswe arrive at the mighty castle, historic battlefield, toweringcathedral, etc..

Of the many frustrating, infuriatingthings I hate about jet lag, the worst is hearing my roommate fallquickly asleep, and stay sleeping all through the night (or at leastmost of it). Kai, you lucky bastard!

Of the many frustrating, infuriating,cowardly things I hate about jet lag, the worst is waking up andthinking it's starting to get light outside (which would thusindicate that I slept until roughly 6am – a new record), only tofind it's actually just past midnight. Curses!

Of the many frustrating, infuriating,cowardly, venomous things I HATE about jet lag, the worst is thatit's just like insomnia, except with a titillating hour of sleepbeforehand – you know, just to show you what you're missing.

Of the many frustrating, infuriating,cowardly, venomous, hornswoggling things I HATE ABOUT JET LAG,the absolute worst has got to be knowing that I'm probably going tofall soundly asleep...about 45 minutes before we're supposed to gofor our training ride.

Of the many frustrating, infuriating,cowardly, venomous, hornswoggling, mellifluous things IFRICKIN' HATE ABOUT JET LAG, the worst has got to be realizing thatI'll probably adjust to this new time zone just before I head home. Ican't wait to repeat this process back in Boise. Yippie.

Of the many FRUSTRATING, COWARDLY,VENEMOUS, HORNSWOGGLING, MELLIFLUOUS, REALLY REALLY BADTHINGS I FRICKIN' HATE ABOUT JET LAG, the worst has got to be thatthe thesaurus portion of my brain has just shut down, and I can nolonger summon satisfying adjectives to describe my hatred of jet lag.POOP! POOP EVERYWHERE! A THOUSAND GALLONS OF POOPY POOP!

Alright. Let's try sleeping again,shall we? It's my third go of it tonight – maybe it'll be thecharm?

Mont Saint Michel

2011-09-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Holy shit was today cool. We went to Mont Saint Michel, which is basically the coolest fortified castle ever. I spent a great deal of my childhood dreaming up the most awesome castles my imagination could supply me with. I'd draw blueprints on graph paper, sketch tower designs, and invent cool new siege engines. When the Lord of the Rings came out, I thought that my dreams had been realized as completely as they could possibly be -- oh how wrong I was! Mont Saint Michel already exists, and is better than anything Peter Jackson could ever dream up. I mean utilizing the tides to provide extra safety? You've got a moat? Mont Saint Michel has the friggin ocean, bitch! Look, read, and learn:

A CAVEMAN IN FRANCE!

2011-09-13T10:22:00.001-07:00

If there one thing Krogg learn aboutinternational travel, it that jetlag harder to recover from thansaber-toothed tiger bite! Krogg arrive in France what feel like twoweek ago, but really two day ago. Krogg teammate also have troubleadjust to Franch time. Here Kai sleep in clothes:

And here Matt suffer unexpected nap:

Krogg sleep schedule very strange. Herenormal caveman day:

10:00 PM Go to sleep like normalcaveman.

12:30 AM Wake up, wide awake like afterKrogg jump in frozen river. Try to go back to bed.

1:30 AM Krogg get tired of lie in bed,listen to Kai snore, and stare at top bunk of bunk bed (Krogg sleepin bottom bunk), so Krogg decide to get up and do something. Kroggpeckish? Trip to kitchen to investigate options.

1:40 AM Baguette, burre, and jelly.

2:00 AM Krogg build bike in garageusing headlamp until Krogg realize: garage have light. Headlampredundant. Krogg simultaneously feel smug for being self sufficient,and stupid for assuming French garage no have light.

2:30 AM Krogg read Canadian Cyclistfrom cover to cover.

3:30 AM Canadian Cyclist make Kroggextremely sleepy. Krogg return to bed.

1:30 PM Krogg awakened by Scott. KROGGSLEEP THROUGH ENTIRE MORNING? YOU KIDDING ME? SON OF A BITCH!

Krogg try to salvage day with bikeride. Krogg and Kai put on spandex, prepare TT bike, and go exploreFrench countryside. Know what? Krogg LOVE EXPLORE FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE!So many little town! So many little road! So many cow, horse, andgoat! So many old church and castle! Here some photo, but trustKrogg: this photographic cross-section vastly inadequate at sharingexperience.

Believe it or not, right now it roughly2AM. Again Krogg sleep a little, then wide awake like after jump infrozen river. This time at least Krogg have interesting dream. Kroggshare (Krogg share dream from perspective of Mariwhether Lewis):

It is with heavy hart that I confess mydreams last night were of a most perplexing nateshure, and more thana trifle disturbing. I am alas unshure of what this dreame signifeys,or when the dreame began. Thusly I cannot give the particulars as tohow I found myself in my rotten perdickament, so I shall simply startwith what I remember: I found myself preparing for a bicycle race. Atfirst, my situashion seemed completely ordinairie, with nothing outof place for a person with my skills and history of doing the verysame. My teammates and director were all nearby, and were all equallyengaged in the same task. It wasn't long however, that I found myselfcomparetivaly less prepared than my teammates, with some of the morehurried of us hop-ing on their bikesicles, and pedaling off to thestarting line. I began to spur my preparations along, but foundmyself uncommonly forgetful, and snag after snag sloed my progress. Isearched for Perpeteum drink mix high and low, but couldn't find ituntil the last racer had left camp. An incommonly shaped bottlerefused to gain purchase in my bottle-cage. A right proper panickswept over me as I heard our great National Anthem blasted over theloudspeakers, and I still haddent secured a proper cap for mydrinking bottle. As Scott drove off to join the caravaan, I was stillunracking my racing bicycal. Not but halfway across the parking lot,as the last follow car lurched into forewerd motion (and with it mylast hopes of joining the race), my trusty carbon racing machinemorphed into a useless and infuryating scooter-contraption! It was aheavy, sloe and futile assembly, complete with large furry saddal,outlandish pokadots, rediculously heavy wooden paneling along thesides, and wheels no larger (and no rounder) than ostrich eggs. Ilamely circled back, and with head hung low, asked my director for areplacement velocipede. I freshened my steed, but the race was longgone. In fact, I daresay I remember the National Anthem playd asecond time, this time for the ladies race. Finally, my achingembaresment did abate: just before setting out to give the chase ofmy life, I mercifully awoke. While I am most relieved to have thisboot-shaker of a dream come and gone, I cannot say it exsites me tothink of the meanings it hides within.

Yours,

Capt. Meriwether Lewis

Corps of Discovery, French Division

September 12^th, 2011

Very good. Krogg think maybe it time totry sleep again. YAY JETLAG! YAY FRANCE!

On The Ground

2011-09-11T03:58:00.001-07:00

I present: le France!

To France!

2011-09-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

Ok blog land, I'm getting on a plane to another country now (hopefully one a little larger than the one in the photo), which means I shall be markedly less connected to the interwebs than I am now. I expect patchy internet at best, but I brought my computer and will post when I'm able. Bon voyage Glider Bison!

My Morning

2011-09-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

Commence day with a shout from my alarm at 7AM. Battle back temptation to hit the snooze button, and roll out of bed. Boil water for coffee and pop bread in the toaster. Lie down on the couch, and nearly fall back asleep, only to be awakened by the sound of boiling water. Eat breakfast of toast with cream cheese and jelly, and drink coffee with cream and sugar. Squeeze into spandex, and pack pockets with energy food. Search for hand-pump, unsuccessfully. Hop onto TT bike, and hit the road to go meet Kai. Get flat tire roughly ten minutes after leaving house. Call Kai, and inform him that I'm going to be late. Change flat tire, using my one canister of Co2. Meet up with Kai, and roll out of town to meet Robert, who agreed to motor-pace us. Morning Robert, thanks for motor-pacing us! Flog myself behind the bumper of Robert's Audi, trading "pulls" with Kai. Go over series of cattle guards. Kai gets a flat tire. Bask briefly in the irony that moments before flatting Kai informed me that "we're about to go over a series of cattle guards, but that they're fine so long as we avoid the center of the road." Watch as Kai fixes his flat tire. Are we ready? Flog myself behind the bumper of Robert's Audi, spinning out my 55X12 for almost 40 minutes. Curse the friggin' gods of flat tires when I get ANOTHER flat tire -- CHRIST, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Patch my first flat tube with my one patch, and then pump it up with Kai's hand-pump. Break Kai's hand pump just as I get the thing up to pressure. Remove pump and break valve in the process, forcefully ejecting all the air from the tube. Fuck. Assess situation: no more tubes, no more patches, no more Co2, broken hand-pump. Guess it's just one of those days. Sheepishly ask Robert if he'll give me a lift back to the service course. Accept lift back to the service course. Tell Remi about our adventure, and get new tube. Thanks Remi. Ride home. Shower, eat a can of soup, look at the clock. Noon. Now that's what I call a good morning.

Le Duo Normand

2011-09-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

Here it comes! The DUO NORMAND!

Here's what you need to know: two man team time trial, 54 kilometers. I really like the concept: the two athletes must combine and synchronize their forces so that they can become more than either would be on his own. We see something similar all throughout sport. Two man rowing teams:

Two man luge teams:

Two man wrestling teams:

There's a whole lot more to learn about the Duo Normand, and thankfully, my new friend over at the ProVeloPassion blog wrote a very well informed write-up so I don't have to! Read up, and learn what we're up against.

I'm going to be in France for a total of two weeks, which, by my count, leaves me approximately thirteen times more days I don't race than days I do race. WHICH MEANS I PLAN TO DO SOME FRIGGIN' SIGHT SEEING!!!!

I want to see a castle.

I want to eat a Brie.

I want to ride a train that goes faster than my car.

I want to ask a French man for directions.

I want to receive a rude answer from that French man.

I want to ride a "vaches" or COW in French.

I want to become completely fluent in French.

I want to ride a bike down the Champes Elysees and raise my hands at the spot where the Tour finishes.

Stay tuned GliderBison fans -- I leave for France on Saturday!

Tired Tired

2011-08-31T16:04:00.001-07:00

What is it about a week long stage race that covers hundreds of miles, with tens of thousands of feet of climbing at high altitude that makes a man REALLY tired? I'm pooped. I could sleep for days. I'm knackered. Commence rest protocol now....

AND THE WINNER IS.....

2011-08-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Can we get a drummmmmmrolllllll please!?
I cleaned out the double entries, and the anonymous entries (I said in the rules that you had to leave your name.) By my count, that left us with 37 entries. I asked my trusty random number generator to pick me a random integer between 1 and 37 (inclusive), and clicked: Get Numbers!

THEREFORE, THE WINNER OF MY TEAM EXERGY JERSEY is:

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

Timestamp: 2011-08-30 15:32:03 UTC

Which makes the winner....MARTIN CRIMINALE! WHICH IS AWESOME! Martin is a Seattle-based cyclist,and an avid blogger himself. He's been a regular here at GliderBison for quite some time. THANKS EVERYBODY FOR PLAYING! Martin, get in touch with me via e-mail. Give me your address, and within a week or so, you'll be the proud owner of an authentic Team Exergy jersey. You sir have your choice: would you like your jersey signed by Krogg? Or left in its pristine form?

That's All Folks

2011-08-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

The USA Pro Cycling Challenge is over.
We had an after party last night at the Rio Grande (big Mexican joint, killer margaritas).
I always find it amusing watching cyclists drink alcohol -- so little can do so much!
And boy can things get sloppy quick.
But the night was delightful.
A lot of happy racers, and staff, and promoters, and sponsors.
And one very happy Sam Johnson.
But the party ended.
Carlos and Andres are headed back to Colombia.
Sebastian is headed back to Canada.
Freddy back to California.
Matt stays right here in Colorado.
The team vehicles, most of the staff, and yours truly are headed back to Boise.
I'll spend my day in the back of the van, reading my book and listening to music, and combing through all my amazing memories from this race.
SO...what next?
This season has legs!

To France!
I leave for Paris on the10th.
The race is called the Duo Normand, and it's a two-man team time trial.
THIS SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER DOESN'T IT?
So stay tuned GliderBison followers!

But for now: that's all folks.

Things Didn't Go As Planned

2011-08-28T06:34:00.000-07:00

And thus, my USA Pro Cycling Challenge comes to an abrupt, premature, and somewhat embarrassing end. Stage 4, from Steamboat Springs to Breckenridge, was slated to be a hard one. I foolishly made it much much harder for myself. The race started with five miles of flat, followed by six miles of 6%. I washed towards the front during the neutral parade through Breckenridge, and, well, I'd guess you could say that the Krogg in me took over. Since he's completely at fault here, I'll let him explain the next bit. Go for it Krogg -- I hope you're proud of yourself:

Krogg sit right behind Paul Mach during neutral parade. Krogg see Paul lick lips and get to very front. Krogg realize, PAUL MACH WILL ATTACK! Sure enough, referee blow whistle, and Paul Mach sprint like crazy. KROGG SPRINT TOO! So next thing Krogg know, Krogg in breakaway! HA! GO KROGG! SWING THAT AXE! Then Krogg teammate Matt Cooke join breakaway! Matt excellent climber, better than Krogg. Matt could actually make it over top of big climb and win stage. Since Krogg inferior climber to Matt, and since Krogg really want to see Matt CRUSH race today, Krogg job pretty clear: MURDER IT AT THE FRONT OF BREAKAWAY UNTIL BASE OF CLIMB!!!!! CATAPULT MATT INTO STRATOSPHERE!!!! So Krogg murder it at front of breakaway for five miles. At base of climb, Krogg swing axe HARD one more time, say "GOOD LUCK MATT," and then get dropped like boulder on mammoth head.

Ok, thank you Krogg. Did you catch that? Basically, on a day when most guys were looking to do nothing more than survive the opening climb, I found myself up the road with on of Team Exergy's best climbers, absolutely slaying it. I was deep inside the pain cave -- before the climb even started! About halfway up the thing, I'd settled into a rythym alright -- just not quite the same rythym that Cadel Evans settled into as he blazed past me in his big ring. Naturally Cadel was followed by the rest of the field. I tried to lift my pace, but really couldn't. I made it over the climb in one of the last chase groups, and after much gut-busting chasing, we clawed our way back to the peloton. "Nice work Sam," I thought to myself, "you swung the axe, but made it over the climb, and you're going to get to the finish just fine."

Then things get slightly fuzzy. I'm not exactly sure what happened; all I know is that I had an upset stomach, and then about fifteen miles later, I was breathing about 40% harder than anyone else around me. Every roller, every slight crosswind, every surge threw me straight to the back of the field. Like a doctor who realizes that despite his best efforts, his patient will certainly die, I realized: I am getting dropped. It was only a matter of time, but it was utterly unpreventable. I didn't know which roller would be undoing, but I knew it was coming up.

Click this photo to see exactly what my face looked like for the last two hours of the race.

And up it came, roughly 40 miles from the finish, a small, unmarked and nondescript roller. The field surged. I didn't. After fluttering through the caravan for a few miles, eventually I was dropped for good. Now my task was clear: make the time cut. For almost two hours, I died a thousand deaths, all by myself, my own private little hell. I fought and clawed and huffed and puffed, feeling as powerless and frustrated as a lion in the circus. Why am I here!? I know I'm capable of so much more than this! It was just me and the broom wagon, for miles and miles. My mind filled with all sorts of the nastiest thoughts imaginable: I SUCK! I'M AN IDIOT! I SWUNG THE AXE OUT OF MY HANDS AGAIN? I HATE CYCLING! I HAT COLORADO! CAN'T I JUST QUIT? Eventually I rallied, my body finally able to convert the sugar in Coke into forward momentum (Coke being the only fuel I was able to keep down all day). The thousands of insane fans that lined the course inspired me to dig deep. [note: to the fleshy man in the Borat speedo, thanks a LOT -- I'm going to have nightmares.] I was that guy -- the last guy in the race, battling, not for the stage win, not to protect my team leader, but simply to finish the goddam race. "You can do it! Keep going! Don't stop," they yelled. I didn't stop. I rounded the final corner into Breckenridge, roughly a minute outside the time cut. My race is over.

Thank you Colorado...it was better than good. It was great.

GLIDERBISON GIVEAWAY: A FRIGGIN' JERSEY

2011-08-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

In celebration of the biggest race of the year, I present to you, the biggest giveaway in the history of my blog:

A FRIGGIN' EXERGY JERSEY!

That's right, you can win an official Team Exergy jersey, simply by commenting on my blog. Yes, it's one of mine, which I guess makes it a used jersey -- but take my word for it, it's seen minimal use. It's a size medium. I'll sign it (or at least Krogg will) if you want me to. Wear it, hang it on your wall, or cut into pieces and use it to de-grease your chain -- whatever you want -- it's free!

And thanks for following GliderBison.

This could be you!

THE RULES: To enter, just post a comment on this blog post (facebook entries don't count). As always, entries that are submitted in poem form are greatly appreciated, though not necessary. One post per person please, and be sure to leave your name (or at least a unique pseudonym). I'll draw a winner using a random number generator once I'm safely back in Boise after the USA Pro Cycling Challenge. Check back here on Monday evening to see if you won! SIMPLE! GOOD LUCK!

KROGG EXPLAIN

2011-08-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

OK cycle race fans, KROGG EXPLAIN!

This big big race. Different than all other race. Normal race, Krogg sleep at home-stay all week -- which Krogg love. But this race too much logistics for home-stay. This race Krogg sleep at different ski resort every night. One thing Krogg learn about ski resort -- every ski resort LOVE to be better than last ski resort. USA Pro Cycling Challenge basically giant pissing-match between ski resort.

Krogg love it when ski resort compete to impress: In Colorado Springs Krogg sleep in nice hotel and eat good food. In Crested Butte, Krogg sleep in really nice hotel, and eat really good food. In Aspen, Krogg stay in full-blown condominium apartment, and eat salmon in basement ballroom. In Vail, Krogg sleep in quaint and charming condominium apartment with killer view, and eat tilapia in ground floor ballroom. At this point things almost out of control! Now Krogg in Steamboat Springs. Krogg sleep in luxurious condominium apartment with killer view, new carpet, and more appliances than Sears. Krogg eat Colorado trout with lemon sauce in second floor ballroom with old-timey country band playing to entertain.

WHAT GOING ON? THIS HEAVEN? Krogg wouldn't be surprised. At this rate, tomorrow in Breckenridge Krogg eat sushi while watching Cirque de Soliel, and on Sunday in Denver Krogg eat endangered shark fin while watching Radiohead. Here photo proof:

Krogg sized bed!

Nice view of ski mountain.

Dining room in hotel room? CRAZY!

Krogg never see this sign in hotel, ever.

Try the trout -- it delicious.

Yippie-kai-yaaaaaay! Yippie-kai-yooooo!

Sky flowers? For us?

Krogg love meal time at USA Pro Cycling Challenge. Everybody eat in same room, like this:

One big happy cyclist family.

Meal time pretty unreal. Every team have assigned table, and all racers eat together. Everywhere Krogg look, there famous cyclist. Basso over there. Cadel over there. Danielson over there. KROGG RIGHT HERE!

Here how Team Exergy find table:

Homing beacon.

Eat at buffet like this:

Glorious breakfast buffet.

This morning Krogg eat killer house-made granola. Not bad...for Vail.

Krogg can't wait to see what Steamboat Springs make for breakfast.

Krogg so lucky to race USA PRO CYCLING CHALLENGE!!!

Krogg need pinch: this dream?

Clear Out, You Skunks

2011-08-26T09:52:00.001-07:00

Watch "yosemite sam clip" on YouTube

My Power Animal for the Day

2011-08-26T09:32:00.001-07:00

This is my power animal for the day. Oh that I could trade hair color with Kevin or Conor today...

Van Ride to Vail

2011-08-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

Some read. Some sleep. Some listen to music, or browse the internet. All enjoy the view.

Totally Awesome. Totally Pooped

2011-08-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well I must say, this race is living up to its hype. The fans are totally off the hook! Thousands of scantly clad, probably drunk, extremely loud cycling fans. GO USA PRO CYCLING CHALLENGE.

Here are some sweet spots:

ANDRES MADE A SCHLECK SANDWICH! And it was a MUCH better crafted one than I made. Here's Andres and the Schlecks going over the top of Independence Pass.

I WAS IN A BREAKAWAY WITH JENS VOIGT! I couldn't believe my eyes, but old Jensy and I (and about 12 others) spent a few minutes off the front during the first part of the race. Jens would have eaten me for lunch in that breakaway if it had stuck, but regardless...it was fun.

I TOOK A FEED FROM THE CAR GOING 50 MPH! There's nothing like it. Picture this, you're basically switching back and forth between stuffing your shirt with water bottles, and -- OH SHIT GET YOUR HANDS BACK ON THE BRAKES HERE COMES A CURVE.

THOSE PASSES WERE AWESOME. I didn't really get the full appreciation of the view, but dang, what a cool place to have a race.

CARLOS PULLED THE PIN (and I joined him). The last ~40 miles of my race were pretty calm. Carlos was feeling less than stellar, and wanted to save his energy for the stages he can win. So, at the base of Independence Pass, he slid off the back. Kai and I slid off with him, and proceeded to set a nice, easy pace for him all the way to the finish. Piano. Molto piano.

Lastly, and on a somewhat unrelated note, my former teammate Steve Fisher made a video teasing me, and my tendency to coax snakes off the road. Here you go:

I AM TIRED. Goodnight.

Things That Happened

2011-08-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the things that happened today:

I MADE A SCHLECK SANDWICH! The brothers Schleck were riding next to each other, and I carefully moved in between them. Mission accomplished, I thought to myself.
CADEL MADE A JOKE! As we passed by the sign that read ENTERING CHAFFEE COUNTY, I heard Cadel say "I hope everyone remembered their chamois cream -- I hear this county is Chaffee!"
LEVI PEED ON ME! His etiquette was fine -- he was all the way over at the side of the road, and he was extremely tidy. The winds, however, turned his stream into a fine aerosol mist -- some of which hit me. It's bike racing folks, and it's got some gross bits. EEEEEEW.
BASSO WINKED AT ME! I nodded to him at dinner, and he winked back.
Kai, Slack and I polished off that breakaway, and tried to lead out Carlos and Freddy. SMASH!
Manual For Speed threw up some sweet photos on their facebook page. I COMMAND THEE TO SCOPE THEM AT ONCE!

Transfer Time

2011-08-23T09:15:00.001-07:00

Transfer haiku:

Prologue finish line
Why are you so far away?
This last K shall suck.

Perched on a cooler
I can wince and drool -- that's it
Lungs like fire, on fire

Sleep avoided me
Tossed and turned and coughed til two
I curse you, Red Bull!

Colorado Springs
Gracious host city, farewell
Hello Salida

The forecast calls for
Colombian fireworks
Stage one, time to dance!

Listen up good, lungs
Gird your lions and steel your nerves!
Wait, do lungs have loins?

Loony Tunes

2011-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Loony Tunes with Matt and farting around on my computer before the race starts. Here's some things I like:

First up, here's a video that does a pretty effective job of sharing what it's like to win a crit with a crazy last lap attack. Thanks Brad Huff (by the way, who, after watching this awesome footage, still thinks GoPro cameras should be banned?)

Next, check out all the awesome work done for Team Exergy by our sponsor Trademark Signs. My favorites include these:

Lastly, XKCD totally nails the problem with passwords. as well as the incorrect assumption that one form of snobbery is objectively superior to another.

The Day Before

2011-08-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

So there's this sweet spot before a race starts. It exists in the time after you've traveled to the race and settled into your host housing or hotel, after you've gone for a spin and pre-ridden the prologue course, after you've had your pre-race meeting and learned your start time and been handed your numbers -- but before the race actually starts. The stresses of preparation and travel are behind you, but the race is still an open book. The possibilities are endless. At tomorrow's prologue, Carlos could take that left-hander so friggin' hot he stays in the hot seat until the last rider finishes. Yellow jersey, press conferences, the whole shebang. On Tuesday Kai could go up the road in the right breakaway. He could hang tough over the climbs, and make it to the base of the final kicker in Crested Butte with two-minutes on the field, and stick like glue to the wheel of whatever famous pro-tour riders are there, and out-sprint them for the win just before Leipheimer and Evans charge across the line. Anything could happen. I mean the world is our oyster. All I know is that so far, my fortune from two days ago is still holding true: I've been obstacle free.

Right now, I'm looking at my bag for the race.

It came filled with goodies.

Some of them were identifiable (hat, water bottle, etc.). While others were not. Here's Matt (my roommate for the week) modeling the "mystery garment."

Or maybe this way?

I flipped through the tech guide and found it to be pretty typical with one major exception. I've never read a race bible that includes instructions for how to treat HAPE (High Altitude Pulmonary Edema). Lord help us, what on earth have we signed up for?

Alright. Gotta sleep. Tomorrow, we start prying open that oyster and finding out what's inside.

BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL!

2011-08-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

The Garden of the Gods is gorgeous. It's like a moonscape, mixed with a coral reef, mixed with this crazy dream I had about being an ant.

Freddy and Andres behind Jens Voigt and Martin Mortensen.

Andres poses in front of the craggy rock spires of Garden of the Gods.

Be sure to watch tomorrow's race! It'll be on Versus three times tomorrow. Check the TV schedule here.

HERE WE GO!

2011-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Right now, this is me:

(note: I would have posted a picture of the Space Shuttle waiting on its launchpad, but they've gone the way of the dodo -- this is the future of space flight! Go Space X!)

What you're looking at is the Dragon Capsule and it's delivery rocket. They are designed and built by Space X, a private space company, and will be fulfilling a contract with NASA to deliver goods and crew members to the International Space Station this November. This is the future of space flight, and seeing as how I'm about to board a plane to Colorado to participate in the future of American bicycle racing, I thought it appropriate.

These last few days have been uneasy. All the hard work and preparation are done. My bikes are all waiting for me in Colorado. Even my time in the altitude tent has come to an end (I hear it's good to sleep at lower elevations for a night or two before the event to fully top-off on rest and recovery). I'm friggin' ANTSY! Let's get this sucker started! I'm as prepared as I'm going to get. I'm down to race weight. I'm tapered. I'm motivated.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!

And, mother of all omens, while I was eating Thai food last night, I got this in my fortune cookie:

No obstacles will stand in your way this coming week.

I mean, what a great fortune! Sure, if you want to get into a semantic argument about it, 12,000' mountains can certainly be considered obstacles -- but the point is my fortune specifically pointed to next week! I don't think I've opened a fortune cookie in over a year. Regardless, I should eat Thai more often -- them noodles is tasty!

Sleeping in the Tent

2011-08-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

So for nearly two weeks now, I've been sleeping in an altitude tent. I've got to say, it's a little strange. It feels very much like being the subject of a scientific experiment inside one of these:

I keep expecting to wake up and be surrounded by men in white suits with flashlights attached to their heads peering in from the outside saying things like "the subject seems to be making excellent progress." The altitude tent and the scientific glove box are quite similar: clear vinyl walls, PVC frame, air tight seals, and strange ports you can stick your arms through. It also feels a lot like being an an aquarium, especially when I fly my Air Swimmer around inside it.

Just kidding -- I don't have an Air Swimmer. However, here are a few of the essentials required to survive (and even enjoy) your time in an aquarium/altitude tent.

First up, you need an O2 sensor:

This little device tells you what percentage of the air is oxygen. An altitude tent works by condensing oxygen, and then removing it from the air. Normal air has 20.9 percent oxygen (that's regardless of elevation). At higher elevations, the air becomes less concentrated, and thus, you become less able to breathe. By removing some of the oxygen, the altitude tent simulates the amount of oxygen present at high altitudes. Alongside my O2 sensor, I keep an elevation chart:

This chart tells me what elevation my tent is simulating. At 16.7% oxygen, my tent is simulating just under 9000 feet above sea level. The air enters the tent through a 1-inch clear plastic tube (I forgot to take a close-up of the tube, but it totally adds to the science-experiment quality of the setup).

The tent is designed to be air tight, so aside from the gentle puffs of oxygen depleted air entering through the tube, there's not a lot of air-flow. It can get stuffy and hot. This leads me to another crucial piece of equipment: a fan!

The fan pushes air around the tent, and since the tent tends to heat up, provides me a way to stay cool when I'm trying to sleep. Once the tent is full of low-O2 air, I can open up a vent or two to maximize the air flow. There are lots of vents like this one:

Getting the tent tuned so that it stays at a steady elevation throughout the night took some practice. On more than one occasion, I went to sleep at a nice and practical elevation of ~7000 feet, only to wake up several hours later feeling like I was breathing through a straw, the elevation having risen to upwards of 10,000 feet.

The last important thing I take into the tent with me is a good book to read (right now Meriwether Lewis and William Clark are about to steak out their winter camp near the Mandan Indian tribe in the winter of 1804 in Undaunted Courage), and a water bottle. My mouth tends to dry up, and it's nice to get a drink without having to leave the tent and let all that richly oxygenated air inside.

I'm hopeful the altitude tent helps me when I get up to the high Rocky Mountain passes of the US Pro Cycling Challenge, but I can't say I'll miss sleeping it when the race is over.

Jens Voigt! Ivan Basso!

2011-08-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Gosh. They just keep adding newer and cooler people to the US Pro Cycling Challenge.

Ivan Basso! Friggin two-time Giro winner! Tour podium finisher!

Jens Voit! Biggest badass in the world! Man who coined the phrase "shut up legs!"

BRING IT ON IVAN AND JENS!!!! KROGG READY!!!

(We start in one week. Gulp).

Colorado Comes Near

2011-08-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

The biggest race of the season is a mere ten days away, and we're generating more buzz than a hive of bees. Check it out:

First up, we've announced our roster, and added a new rider to the squad. Enter climbing sensation Sebastian Salas. Sebastian is hot as a pistol this season, with great rides at Mt. Hood, Tour de Beauce, and the Cascade Classic, and he'll be joining us at the US Pro Cycling Challenge. Read the press release here. Sebastian is somehow both Colombian and Canadian -- a combination that, until recently, I refused to believe existed. In fact, I'm not sure I fully accept that Sebastian is real, and not a mythical beast, like a centaur or a cockatrice. I can't wait to spend some time in this presence of this rare creature -- and to see him soar up the Colorado Rockies in person! Here's a photo of Sebastian recklessly pilfered from his facebook page (which was itself recklessly pilfered from the website CanadianCyclist.com).

Next up, the folks over at Manual for Speed have been busy cranking out more goodies. This time, a short video entitled: Driveway Time Trial. This clip was recognized for its brilliance, and promptly ridiculed, by none other than the Sultan of Snark himself, the BikeSnobNYC. See Manual for Speed? You've made it!

Last up, I can't spill all the beans, but let me just say that I spent my day helping two Exergy engineers prepare a giant surprise for the US Pro Cycling Challenge. Let's just leave it at this: Exergy has some very smart engineers, and if you're in one of the host cities, be SURE to check out the expo -- the Exergy booth shouldn't be hard to miss.

OMG 10 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!!

The Compex

2011-08-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

These videos are a little old (I took them when I was preparing for US Pro), but just stumbled across them on my phone and realized they were too good not to share. I took a few videos of my first test drive of the team's new Compex muscle simulator. They're funny, and like most things on my blog, funny at my expense (especially the part where I scream like a little girl). Enjoy!

*note: if you're reading this on facebook, you'll have to "view original post" to see the videos.

A Great Many Things

2011-08-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

TOWN CRIER: People come and gather round! I have news from far and news from wide.

Firstly, I have committed a crime against nature. My shame has kept me silent thus, but mine conscience can bear it no longer: I must admit! I HAVE KILLED A SNAKE. 'Twas horrible indeed -- an accident for sure, but accident or not, I am to blame. I was descending Mount Bogus on my two-wheeled steed, carving from turn to turn with the same carefree had by a dolphin cavorting in the waves. A moment to take in the view -- spectacular indeed -- but a moment was all it took. When my gaze returned to the road, there he lay, my reptilian friend, elongated before me, absorbing the infrared radiation so plentifully emitted from the tarmac below. No time to react, to swerve, to hop -- only time to recognize: he was alive. Mine tires done crushed his middle, and I done left him to writhe and wriggle in agony. Woe -- oh woe that I were not able to swerve! Woe that I took my eyes from the road too long! CURSE ME AND MY TIRES! CURSE ME AND MY BLIND, ARROGANT, INATTENTIVE WAYS! I've tried to save snakes from similar fates. Why not this one?

Secondly, I've been GETTING HIGH!!! EVERY NIGHT!! That's right, I'm sleeping in an altitude tent. If there's one thing the USA Pro Cycling Challenge has got, it's altitude. Like 12,000 feet above sea level. Take Stage 2 for example: we start in Gunnison, a mere 7,700 feet above sea level. Then we climb for almost fifty miles, cresting Cottonwood Pass at 12,100 feet. Then we descend for 30 miles, and do the whole thing over again, this time over Independence Pass, before finishing in Aspen. I'm not kidding myself into thinking that sleeping in a giant tent with lower O2 levels is going to turn me into superman, but it's worth a shot, right?

Giant tent!

It's like I'm CAMPING!!!

Giant machine that goes "whiiiiiiiirrrrr."

Thirdly, Krogg has a story to tell. Go for it Krogg

KROGG SMASH IDAHO STATE ROAD RACE CHAMPIONSHIPS! Race hot! Race hilly! Race good for Krogg! Krogg go up road, and win solo! SMASH! Krogg knew race would be hard. Krogg look at start list, and not see many names. Bunches of Bob's guys and few others. Bobs guys know how to use tactics against Krogg. Oh, plus masters field race with 1/2's (even though scored separate) -- watch out for masters field! Richard Feldman master, and Richard Feldman always go hard! Who Richard Feldman you might ask? Well Krogg explain: Richard Feldman very fast cyclocross racer with countless masters championships, and suspiciously well-maintained Wikipedia page (results from YESTERDAY already updated??!). Richard Feldman prefer simple tactics. Krogg approve. Richard Feldman tactics go like this:

Step 1: Go hard.

Step 2: Repeat step 1 until finish line.

This work very well for masters field in Idaho (as Wikipedia page clearly say, Richard Feldman WIN Idaho State Road Race Championships), but not so good on KROGG! Over years, Krogg learn to be crafty caveman. Krogg wait! Krogg utilize top-secret bicycle racing strategy called drafting. Then, after first hour and a half of letting Richard Feldman go hard -- KROGG POUNCE! KROGG GO HARDER! Krogg go up road, and work with one of the Bob's guys, then KROGG WIN! Now Krogg Idaho State Road Race Champion! YIPPIE!

This is How You Weigh a Giraffe

2011-08-01T17:34:00.001-07:00

Thanks Gizmodo.

Hydrogen Filled Airships

2011-08-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

You know what blows my mind? When humans spend exorbitant amounts of time and energy perusing terrible ideas. Case in point: hydrogen filled airships. Everybody knows about the Hindenburg disaster, where one of the largest rigid-framed zeppelins ever built blew up in spectacular fashion in 1937.

KABOOM!

It was this gargantuan disaster that finally tipped the scale of public perception towards believing hydrogen filled airships were a bad idea. That I understand. What blows my mind is that despite countless prior examples of why the idea is flawed, there were thirty years of steady progress towards building bigger and better flying bags of hydrogen gas! Good lord people! Common sense! I've got an experiment for you: start with a child, one just barely old enough to recognize that some ideas are inherently dangerous (let's say a six year old). Then fill a party balloon with hydrogen gas, attach it to a string and hand it to the child. Finally, hold a lighter to the balloon until the gas ignites. Now ask this slightly scorched, terrified six year old if he or she thinks it's a good idea to build REALLY REALLY BIG balloons filled with the same gas and fly around in them. The kid would say no. I was reading about the history of airships today, and while there were some marvelous triumphs -- crossing oceans in a third the time of an ocean liner in superb luxury, hauling tons upon tons of cargo into the air, circumnavigating the globe -- the history of airships is absolutely littered with horrible accidents. Most of the big airships that saw real use met a fiery, high-impact end. And yet the idea persisted. "We can get around the safety issues," they said, "airships are the future!"

Airships might be the future, but not hydrogen ones.

Four Summits Challenge

2011-07-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

Well today was something new, and I like new things. Today, I participated in the Four Summits Challenge. This was a supported group ride through the beautiful mountains outside Cascade, Idaho. Gorgeous roads: smooth as ice, freshly repaved after being damaged in forest fire, filled with sexy switchbacks. Gorgeous scenery: meadows that sprawl into forests. forests pierced with jagged slabs of granite. lakes mirror the ashen sky. grove upon grove of blackened poles that used to be trees stand over a carpet of luscious green regrowth. crumbling spires like the gates of Mordor, and a thin ribbon of black tarmac laced between them.

At the end, waiting for us upon our return: BBQ ribs. And bacon rice.
HUZZUH!

Well SHIT HOWDY!!!

2011-07-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well well well, it looks like that little party down in Colorado we're doing is blowing up bigger than Congress' phone lines. The Schleck brothers were just the tip of the iceberg! None other than the head honcho himself, reigning tour champ Cadel Evans is going to grace the Colorado Rockies with his presence. Not only that, there are rumors, (and so far only rumors) that KING CONTADOR will be there. I mean -- come on! How much more hype can you get. All we need now is for Lance to re-come out of retirement (again), and announce that he's buried the hatched with Greg Lemond, and that the two of them will be contesting the race on a composite team alongside Eddie Merck and Alexi Grewal. It's just a bike race. And they're just bike racers. Fast bike racers.

BRING IT ON!

2011-07-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

So the rumor mill has been churning out crazy headlines like this:

Schleck brothers say yes to the USA Pro Cycling Challenge

This means things for me:

1. I guess I'd better start brushing up my Luxembourg-ian (what the hell language do they speak over there anyway?) For instance, I need to learn how to say things like "you call that an attack Andy?" or "you'd better get more time on me than that if you want to keep your jersey past the time trial."

2. I'll finally get to be in a Schleck sandwich:

Liege Bastogne Liege

Tour de France

USA Pro Cycling Challenge