Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Year's

Ahhh....after a brief holiday hiatus, your trusty blogger is back for another action packed year of blogging action. Here are but a few of the things you can look forward to:

1: CHANGE!
As the recent Iowa caucus demonstrated, Americans are hungry for change -- and that includes American blog readers. As we speak, drastic and sweeping reforms of this blog's infrastructure are being made. Most of the changes are taking place out of the view of the public eye, and when internet traffic is the lowest -- all to make these transitions comfortable and smooth for my readers. In fact, if everything goes as planned, you won't notice a thing -- you'll just keep reading the same high quality content, about the same random bullshit, at the same highly irregular intervals. It's as though no changes are being made at all -- but trust me -- they are, and you'll be better for it.

2: VICTORY!
If there's one thing my blog is good at, it's absolutely stomping rival blogs in blog-offs! As my utter and total domination of TheMonsto in last month's bout demonstrated, I am the greatest blogger on the planet. While their feeble attempts to narrow the gap late in the month deserved some praise for bravery, there comes a point when only a fool refuses to admit defeat. I can't even think of a comic historical comparison that does TheMonstro justice -- most likely because all the people who demonstrated that kind of out-of-touch stubbornness have all been so thoroughly exterminated, their existence was wiped completely off the historical record.

3: BIKES!
At some point in this new year, my blog, and my life will again revolve around bikes, bike-racing, travel, and road rash more than its recent themes of blog-rivalrys, carpentry, and bitching about Boise's weather. Get ready for some race reports -- but not just any old race reports -- fully interactive ones! Strap on your helmets! My blog posts will be so good that you'll feel like you were in the races too. In fact, I'll even come over to your house and give you a simulation of what it feels like after a hard race. For example, for a wet, early-season race up in the pacific northwest: I'll fill a super-soaker with play sand, dead bugs, motor oil, and a little watter, and squirt the whole thing on your face (make sure you keep your eyes open!). Then I'll have you put on spandex, hop into a tub ice, and grip the daylights out of a pair of handlebars -- for at least an hour. While you're doing that, I'll completely disassemble your bike, replace all the grease with mud, fill your frame with dirty water, and grind your brake pads down to the shoes, before putting it back together. Once your face, feet and gentiles are numb, and your hands incapable doing anything other than signing the letter "c", I'll take a piece of steel wool, and scuff up those inner thighs. Lastly, I'll kick you down three flights of stairs with your hands tired behind you back. See? You'll get that authentic "I've just completed a tough race" feeling. Nice work Champ. 33rd place. Not bad. At least you didn't crash, right?!
Actually, that's a horrible idea.
Maybe we should keep it how it was, where I do the racing and write about it, and you read what I wrote and laugh at my misery.

3: PICTURES
As my faithful blog readers know, I had my purse snatched recently, and without a hero around to defend me, I couldn't do anything but let it go. With my camera inside it. Well, it's been two months, and the cosmos have spun wildly around, and the Craigslist gods have smiled down upon me, and good fortune has presented me with a suitable camera at an excellent price. All I need to do is get a friggin' charger for it, and I'll be in business. Expect 2008 to be the most picture filled year of blogging yet! Mark my words! Trust me! Muah-ha-ha-ha *evil grin*

6: BETTER COUNTING!!!
Still working on this one...

4 comments:

Baum said...

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA. i dont know you, but i think you be funny. keep on funny man.

Ben said...

We have a mutual friend sir - a blonde actress in NYC who shall remain nameless - anyway, I ride bikes and she told me to read your blog. Not that that is all that interesting, but nonetheless it brought me to you.

Funny stuff.

Perhaps a Parrot said...

baum, thanks. Flattered.

ben, so Ms. Kohl is a blond these days? You don't say! Last I saw her she was a brunette (or was it red?)

Ben said...

Oh she's blonde. very blonde. I would say Jessica Simpson blonde, but that might get me punched in an area I would rather not get punched in.

So instead I will say she is just very very blonde.