Bantam Arborial Bovines: The Do's and Don'ts of getting a dream job

So let's say that you're unemployed, you're twenty-four years old, and your stockpile of bicycle components--AKA your income--is starting to dwindle (so that it can no longer be considered a stockpile, but instead a mere pile), and you're running short on cash, what do you do? You get a job, that's what. And not just any job--no, you need a high paying, flexible, fun, interesting job. You need a dream job.

To get a dream job, there are some simple Do's and Don'ts:

Don't just pick a day and say "today I'll get a job". You definitely won't get hired on that particular day, and you'll feel like a failure, and you'll spend the whole next week being a really ineffective job-hunter due to a lack of confidence. Employers have little confidence receptors built into the backs of their ears.

Do view job-getting as a steady push towards employment, an exercise in persistence, an inexorable week-long grind towards the turnstiles of lifelong corporate enslavement. Yippee.

Don't make a bet with your friends that you'll wear a chocolate-brown polyester leisure suit for an undetermined amount of time the very same week that you get serious about your job search, especially if the suit is two sizes too small. I don't care how hard you rock that leisure suit, or how many chicks you think you'll pick up as a result, trust me: it's a bad idea.

If you must wear a chocolate-brown leisure suit, Do do most of your interviews over the phone, and Don't, under any circumstances, allow your potential employer to actually SEE you wearing the brown leisure suit. This is worse than showing up for a job interview naked. Much worse. Sure they'll take your resume, but mostly just to get you out of their place of business.

Don't apply for a job at Barbacoa. They're a bunch of jerks anyway!

Don't just post your resume on monster.com or craigslist. Everybody does that. Instead, try to catch your potential employer when he's off guard, when he least expects it, when he's not prepared to be solicited for a job, when he's just surfing the bikes postings on craigslist for example. Try crafting a craigslist ad like this one:

HIRE ME: a smart, charming pro cyclist seeks off-season job

Reply to: sale-457682964@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-23, 4:49PM MDT

I'm a 24 year old cat 1 racer for Hagens-Berman's fully supported Elite Team. I'll be living in Boise through the winter, and need to find a job to make ends meet. If you're a business owner, and are looking to hire someone, consider me. If you aren't a business owner, but still think you could help me, forward this link, or get in touch.

I'm smart, creative, and good with people. My degree is in studio art from Whitman College, but I've got food service, retail, and office experience. I'd prefer a job I can bike to (unless the job is really really cool), from 26th street. I'd be a solid, productive, reliable worker through March, at which point I'm moving back to Seattle for the season.

E-mail or call (509)-540-9505, if you'd like to meet me, or see a resume.

There, see how easy that was? You'll have your dream employer knockin' at the door in no time!