Sunday, March 1, 2009

Finding Employment (Is A Grotesque Animal)

Finding employment:
Grotesque animal, clawed beast
Bite me, dammit! Soon!

Wild Ginger downtown,
Asian restaurant and satay bar
Busser in black shoes?

Wallingford cafés,
Chocolati or Zoka
You want whip' with that?

Flip that nearby house,
Pry-bar plus hammer -- swing -- CRACK!
Dirty old Carharts?


Let's keep our fingers crossed, m'kay? The job hunt is still fully on. I've found, unsurprisingly, that it's a difficult time to be looking for a job, especially when I've got to be extremely picky about the kind of work I can do: will I be able to train enough during the day? is the work so strenuous that it detracts from my ability to train? Will I be able to take time off to attend races?

The mood of this song is somewhat indicative of my angst:


I applied for a job busing tables at Wild Ginger -- one of Seattle's swankiest and best recognized restaurants. It's a big enough operation that they could accommodate my racing schedule, so it would be pretty perfect. Everyone out there in blog land, send me some positive thoughts and good luck vibes. Thanks to my friend Dan who's a waiter there and set up my interview. I spoke with Tom the manager of the place. He said that just to see what the response would be like, he posted a job listing on craigslist one morning. By that night, he had over 400 resumes sitting in his inbox -- his point being that simply getting to talk to him in person was a real opportunity. Like I said, fingers crossed.

Otherwise, my search for regular employment hasn't been fruitful, but I have pieced together enough odd jobs to stay afloat. That, and I FINALLY got my George Bush refund check. I've been doing some part-time construction on a nearby house. We're ripping out the old windows and installing new, energy efficient ones. This job is great -- I get to (while the owners of the house are in the next room) take a hammer and a pry bar and, with several mighty blows, smash and crack and break and torque and pry, until the old window can be removed. This job is very satisfying to the Caveman in me, right Krogg:

YES! Krogg love smash nice fancy house! Krogg good at smash -- KROGG SMASH!!!!

I've had no luck getting a barista job. All those delivered resumes have been met with total silence. I've taken to submitting joke resumes instead; I figure why not -- they couldn't get me any less attention from potential employers than I've been getting, they certainly "set me apart" from the stack of other resumes, and at least this way I have a chance at making someone laugh. See for yourself:



Sam Johnson


Objective:

To obtain a position as a part-time barista, where I can utilize my coffee-making experience, sales expertise, appreciation of fine coffee, and love of café atmosphere. I also would like to add this job to the following dream resume:


Education:

Harvard Divinity School, Cambridge, Massachusetts

PhD, Comparative Religion, May 2006

  • Recipient of the Duggen Award of Excellence in Research for making a significant contribution towards understanding the meaning of life.

  • Four-year member of the Harvard Bassoon Septet.

  • Captain of the Harvard Triathlon Team, Harvard Chess Team and Harvard Archery Club.


Oxford University, Oxford, England

Bachelors of Science, Microbiology / Poetry / Paleontology, May 2003

  • Tried to teach bacteria how to compose poems about dinosaurs. Mild success -- their poems were clunky and crutched heavily on alliteration, but they eventually wrote decent sestinas.


Work Experience:

Chief Mission Specialist, June 2006 – May 2007

NASA, Houston, Texas

  • Hand-built over 97% of the international space station.

  • Completed first (successful) suitless space-walk.


Lion Tamer, June 2007 – January 2008

Ringling Bros. Circus, On-tour throughout North America.

  • Logged over 90 death-defying performances (all of which involved sticking my head inside the lion’s mouth).

  • Still maintain solid friendship with Beauford, the 390 lb. lion.


Deep Sea Explorer, February 2008 – January 2009

The Nautilus Institute, Turks and Caicos, Bahamas

  • Captained the submersible PERVERTS (Personal Extreme Research Vessel with Extra Research Tools and Stuff) so a record depth of 364,566,929 feet below sea level (20,000 or so leagues).

  • Discovered 73 new life forms, most of which had large teeth, glowing tentacles, or both.


Barista, February 2009 – at least 2010

Zoka Coffeehouse, Seattle, Washington

  • Served the best coffee and pastries in the Seattle area (and therefore the world)


To See a Real Resume (With References), or to Schedule an Interview, Please Call or E-mail

3 comments:

Calvin said...

Bahahahhaa. PERVERTS is the best, reminds me a lot of Thomas Pynchon's eternal, hilarious acronyms. Nice work. Good luck with the job hunt... I ate at Wild Ginger a LONG time ago but still remember it being mighty fine grub.

Drew said...

When an American's job search becomes a parody of job search you know the economy has indeed recessed.

Mandel said...

the poem at the beginning reminds me of the fake bjork song from SNL a few weeks back.