Top 5 Universal Sports Ads

If you're like me, you probably tune in to Universal Sports from time to time to watch their excellent cycling coverage. I love watching all of the huge European races on tv: the classics, Terrino-Adriatico, Tour of the Basque Country, and so on. But Universal doesn't just boast the best races on the tube, they also show the best ads as well. With the Giro de Italia coming up in a few days, I thought I'd brief you on some of the best television advertisements you'll ever see:



Billy Mays sells the Awesome Auger

"HI IT'S BILLY MAYS HERE, AND EVEN THOUGH I DIED NEARLY A YEAR AGO, I JUST HAD TO COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS USELESS PIECE OF SHIT CALLED THE AWESOME AUGER. NOT ONLY IS IT AWKWARD AND POINTLESS, IT'S GUARANTEED TO BOUNCE OUT OF CONTROL AND WHACK YOU IN THE SHINS REALLY REALLY HARD. THE AWESOME AUGER MAKES GARDENING SO EASY, YOU'LL TURN YOUR UGLY BACK YARD INTO HEAVEN ON EARTH  -- WHICH IS GOOD FOR ME, SINCE I GAVE UP MY SPOT IN REAL HEAVEN SO I CAN WANDER THE GLOBE FOR ETERNITY SELLING JUNK ON TV. ORDER NOW."

HD Vision Sunglasses

"Are you a total idiot who doesn't understand a goddam thing about technology or optics? Are you easily persuaded by paid actors who smile and nod approvingly? Do you like HDTV? Well boy do we have an offer for you. With these HD Vision glasses, you'll not only look like a moron, you'll actually prove you're a moron; only a moron would believe that claims about 'Revolutionary HD Glare Block Technology' actually mean something." 

Bottle Tops

Are you tired of your soda cans being soda cans? Don't you wish your soda cans were plastic bottles instead? Well now with the help of bottle tops, you can turn your cans into bottles! We've chopped the tops off a bunch of old bottles, and now we're selling them to you at a ridiculous mark-up, so you can do something that is utterly pointless.

Slim T's

"Want to look thinner instantly without dieting or exercise? Don't mind jamming your midsection into a vice-like corset which restricts both breathing and digestion? Well here's your chance! Stuff your belly into one of these Slim T's, and watch as your waste line is magically extruded to just under your armpits. You'll look great, and I'm sure nobody will notice your rock-hard abs aren't real. If you need support to keep your jelly from jiggling, order a Slim T now!"

The Almighty Slap-Chop

I haven't seen Vince shilling the Slap-Chop recently, but I'm betting on a revival of this classic come Giro time.

TWO VERY IMPORTANT THINGS!!!

THINGS NUMBERS ONE!!!:

BEHOLD, THE HAGENS BERMAN TEAM BIKE

THINGS NUMBERS TWO!!!:

BEHOLD, MY BOSS'S NEW PUPPIES

 OMG, A BOSTON TERRIER! 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CUTER THAN A BOSTON TERRIER? 

TWO BOSTON TERRIERS!!!

 BOSTON TERRIERS IN THE MIRROR? MY MIND IS BLOWN. CUTE OVERLOAD

Krogg Now Cycling Coach!

For the last nine months, I've been working at a wonderful place called Cycle University. Working at Cycle U through the fall and winter was somewhat of a dream job for me -- not only was I doing tons of quality training in Cycle U's beautiful indoor cycling studio, but I was getting paid to do it! In fact, my whole fall and winter of training consisted almost entirely of Cycle U's InCycle workouts. I wear several hats over there:  among other things, I lead indoor cycling classes, teach beginning racing clinics, and run indoor time trials. Well now you can add coaching to that list. A few months ago, I got my coaching license from USA cycling, and started working with my first client. I've got space and time for more clients, so if you're interested, visit the coaching website and check out the rates. Just be sure to request me as your coach when you fill out the Coaching Form.

The Cherry Blossoms Have Fallen

Well the Cherry Blossom Cycling Classic has come to a close. As usual, there is a fine bit of reporting over at Oregon Cycling Action, detailing the final criterium. After we got our call-ups at the start line, Bevin told me "there's only one guy I can't let get a lap up," meaning me. He pretty much stuck to me like glue, but that was to be expected -- any other racer would have needed to lap the field multiple times to take the jersey from him.

OK, picture time:

Joe Holmes, team director extraordinaire.

Kennett, team mate extraordinaire. 

Mt. Hood, mountain extraordinaire. 

Mike Hone, opponent extraordinaire (and nearly the winner of yesterday's crit! Close one Mikey!)

TT podium, GO JAMIE!

 

GC podium, GO LANG!

Good grief, I'm such an attention hound! Look at me go -- on and on and on. Will I ever shut up?! 

But then the stage race is over. You pack your bags, load your van, grab a shower (if you're lucky), and eat some food. Then it's a long drive back to Seattle. Your legs hurt the whole way. You arrive too tired to put everything away; you just rip it all out of the car and make a pile on the garage floor. Your mantra:  I'll deal with that tomorrow. And then you sleep.

Yet no matter how late you sleep in, it's not late enough. Your legs ache when you awake -- you regret not rubbing them down before last night, but that was one of the things you said you'd "deal with tomorrow." You move slowly, trying to unpack your life: several weeks on the road has left you with three totally disorganized dufflebags (mostly) filled with dirty spandex. Sorting takes forever. Laundry. Wash a load of water bottles in the dishwasher -- taking care when opening some of the riper ones (drink mix ferments quickly and powerfully). Clean a bike (or two). Clean the van. Clean the cooler. 

Massage your legs. 

Take a nap. 

Then it's time to plan your next chunk of time. Nine days in Seattle. Time for recovery, and then a decent block of training before the next big race. Time for a little work (so my bills keep getting paid), a little time at the gym (so my abs don't whither away), and a lot of good food. 

You're pretty sure these restful periods between the races are the key to the races. 

Cherry Blossom Stages 2 & 3

Well things are still going pretty well for me down here in Oregon. Stage 2 was indeed a slobberknocker, but I happen to enjoy myself a good slobberknocker from time to time, so this was the result:

I wasn't able to take the overall (not by a long shot), but taking the top step of the podium certainly doesn't hurt. I want to extend a huge thank you to Chad Sperry, the promoter of the Cherry Blossom Cycling Classic for including that spectacular course in this year's race. It was like a playground for bikes: hard climbs, stunning scenery, curvy, fast descents, and a gravel stretch that was right up my alley. As usual, Oregon Cycling Action covered the race beautifully. I especially like the title of the article: 

Orchard course blows apart men’s field, Johnson gets win

Booyeah! I also have to hand it to my teammates, who totally stacked the top ten. Here's another HB exclusive interview video.

Today we've got a double stage; we just finished a 10 mile TT (another podium spot for me!). McKissick totally rocked it. He won the sucker by a lot, 35 seconds on me, a minute on the Jamie Stangeland (nice ride Jamie!). 

This afternoon we race a short (50 minute) criterium in downtown The Dalles. There are huge splits in the GC at this point, but it's bike racing and anything can happen, right? Krogg still has some axe left to swing, right Krogg? 

RIGHT!

Homestay Pictures I Just Have To Share

I just couldn't help myself -- I finally got my camera back up and running, and you just have got to see these pictures from our homestay in Walla Walla:

Parrrrrrty? Paaaaaaaarty? Party party?

So. Now we're in the Dalles, Oregon, home of the Cherry Blossom Cycling Classic. Yesterday's stage was an odd duck; it was tough to predict, tough to control, and even tougher to win. To help you understand what I mean, I've found a picture of an odd duck for you:

See? What an odd duck!


Anyway, a guy got up the road and won by two minutes! Ouch! Then I somehow won the field sprint for second? How in tarnation did that happen? I guess we'll just have to ask someone who was there:


Please note, I said Jason Bevin, but I meant Patty Bevin. Myself and Lang will have to try again tomorrow I guess. (Also, to whoever taught me to speak the english language, I'm sorry for betraying your failure to the broader public.)
For details, you can read a report on Oregon Cycling Action. 

Today we've got a REAL slobberknocker. Not like those other slobberknockers we've raced in the past -- this one might reset the standard for all sloberknockers to come.