Sunday, July 27, 2008

This Just In: TOTAL JOKERS WIN STATE TTT TITLE!!! CAVEMAN GIVES RACE REPORT!!!

If you can believe it -- THESE GUYS just won the state TTT title. GO US!!

Our victory wasn't exactly a surprise, but it still felt good. We won by a healthy, though not suspiciously healthy margin; we were the only team to go under 50 minutes for the 25 mile TT. For those of you who can't do elementary algebra (including my large new contingent of caveman readers) that's over 30 miles per hour. YEEEEEEHAW!!!!

And speaking of cavemen, I wrote a race report detailing how last week's circuit race went down from the perspective of a caveman (named Krogg). I might as well share THAT nonsense with my blog too:


Bike race start and me wonder how legs feel after many days resting. Cascade classic make legs feel like tapioca pudding on hot day, make Krogg wish he never born. After Cascade Krogg think nasty thoughts about "me quit bike racing for GOOD this time". Krogg take many days easy easy after Cascade Classic, and decide last minute no go Boise Twilight with Cooper, instead LWV Circuit Race. Cooper mad at Krogg. Krogg feel bad.

So Krogg go LWV circuit race. Race start. Many Hagens Berman racers. Many breakaways early in race -- Krogg think team do good job getting in breakaways! Big breakaway go up road from peloton and Krogg see three HB racers in breakaway. Good numbers Krogg think -- let breakaway go up road. Yes, make others chase Krogg think. Then Krogg see Hagens Berman racer 135 at front of peloton -- what? CHASE BREAKAWAY? WHY??? Krogg stampede up to front of peloton -- Krogg mad! Why HB racer chase breakaway with good numbers? Krogg think racer 135 better have good excuse; Krogg prepared to dish out fearsome verbal scolding. When Krogg reach front he realize racer 135 is Tom Broderick. Tom very smart racer -- why him chase breakaway with good numbers? "WHY YOU CHASE BREAKAWAY TOM??" Krogg demand.

"Dude -- where have you been? Tubbs, Stangland, and like six other strong guys are up there! That thing's not coming back if we don't make it -- we should chase that down and start over."

Tom smart racer. So team chase breakaway down. Everyone help -- impressive display, everyone chase very hard. Krogg think: better not fuck this up now or we look like huge idiots. Krogg hate look like huge idiot.

New breakaway go up road. Bing, Ross and Krogg inside new breakaway -- still good numbers, but now Tubbs and others tired -- Krogg not tired! KROGG FEEL LIKE STRONG RODEO BULL ON VERSUS AFTER TOUR DE FRANCE!!! KROGG BUCK OFF PIPSQUEEK COWBOYS WITH EASE!!! Breakaway work smooth like butter for many laps, but Krogg think sneaky thoughts. "Shhhhhhhhh....Bing, you attack breakaway soon" Krogg say with 2 laps to go. Bing smart racer. Bing attack breakaway hard, and breakaway say OUCH!!! Krogg counter attack breakaway, and breakaway say OUUUUUUUCH!!! Breakaway chase back together and Krogg think uh-oh -- Krogg hope he sprint good. All together with 500 meters in bike race and Tubbs attack early -- NO TUBBS, NO YOU DON'T ATTACK EARLY AND WIN RACE!!! Other racers chase Tubbs down, Krogg tuck behind other racers, then Krogg sprint at 200 meters to go and WIN RACE!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!

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