What a Christmas Weekend Part 2

This story is undoubtedly better told by Krogg, my caveman alter ego. Go for it Krogg old chap:

So Krogg in beautiful Sun Valley for Christmas weekend. Sun Valley home to many pretty hiking trail, and Krogg think, what better thing to do on day after Christmas than climb cute little Prospector Mountain. So Krogg ask fellow caveman Ryan Parnes (also called El Mammoth for soon-to-be-obvious reason): "EL MAMMOTH, YOU WANT TO CLIMB CUTE LITTLE PROSPECTOR MOUNTAIN WITH KROGG TOMORROW?" 


El Mammoth scoff at Krogg. "INTRIGUING," he say, "BUT I PROPOSE A DIFFERENT IDEA: WHY NOT ATTEMPT AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON BALD MOUNTAIN?" Krogg gulp hard. Spikey spears on a Sunday -- Bald Mountain? That gigantic ski mountain with over 3,300 vertical feet from top to bottom. But Krogg not want to appear like scared little cave squirrel and run from danger. KROGG FACE DANGER WITH BRAVERY OF 100 LION! "KROGG ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, EL MAMMOTH! SEE YOU BRIGHT AND EARLY TOMORROW!" 


So Krogg and El Mammoth meet in parking lot to ski area bright and early, and begin all-out assault on Bald Mountain. Immediately Krogg start to suffer from lack of air. Krogg suck in wind faster than whole herd of buffalo on stampede. When Krogg try to tell story about Christmas, Krogg unable because breathing too hard! El Mammoth continue charge uphill like baby mountain goat (in talons of giant eagle). Here El Mammoth take photo of Krogg suffering: 

HURRY UP KROGG!

WHY YOU BREATHE SO HARD, KROGG? 

Eventually, Krogg and El Mammoth near summit of mighty Bald Mountain. Krogg overjoyed! As summit of Bald Mountain draw close, ski lift open, and skier start pouring down ski hill. Awh jeeze, Krogg think every out-of-control six-year old look exactly like knee-shattering missile. Krogg not very dexterous on snow, and suddenly, hike turn into game of ice-Frogger! Krogg must dodge fast-moving, brightly-colored, knee-shattering skier to survive. Krogg yell at skier: "YOU IDIOTS WHO TAKE SKI LIFT, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! YOU MISS THE BEST PART!"   

Finally, Krogg and El Mammoth reach summit, and go inside for hot cocoa. Yum. Krogg love hot cocoa -- warm Krogg up like when wear bear skin and sit near fire in cave. Then Krogg and El Mammoth take gondola down hill (cavemen old after all -- gondola preserve knees). 

Krogg and El Mammoth reach parking lot at ski area. Krogg think adventure over (and pretty satisfied with quality of adventure too). But El Mammoth have trick up his trunk: "HEY, I KNOW OF SOME HOT SPRINGS RIGHT NEAR HERE...YOU WANT TO GO FOR A SOAK" If there one thing caveman love, it soak in hot springs. So Krogg follow El Mammoth to hot springs! It great! 


Quick Quiz: which photo is caveman, and which one is Japanese ice macaque? 

Hard to tell difference, Krogg know. 

What a Christmas Weekend Part 1

BOOM BAM! Christmas weekend has come and gone, and left a trail of wonderful memories in its wake. Let's get to some of the highlights!

I ate some holiday latkes with the Honorable Family Parnes (forgive me for embroidering):

Dearest Master Johnson, 
Your presence is requested on this, the twenty third of December, at the household of the Honorable Family Parnes. Tonight's festivities shall include the consumption of massive quantities of delicious fried potato mash (complete with the accompanying apple sauce, sour cream, BBQ sauce, and Coors Light). Entertainment shall be provided by the rowdy bunch of hooligans associated with the younger  Lord Daniel Parnes. Performances shall range from "forcefully taping each other into balls," to "making up a drinking game before our very eyes," and of course "possessing supernatural abilities at the game Quarters." A supremely challenging puzzle will be available, should you be so inclined. 

Honorably yours, 
Lord Ryan Mastodonius Parnes IV


P.S. should you be fit for the task, a tour of the fine drinking establishments found in the neighboring hamlet of Ketchum, Idaho will follow. 

Dearest Lord Parnes, 

I most gratefully accept the invitation to your soiree. Surely your powers of divination are profound, for I am indeed a puzzler! My heart beats with supreme anticipation. 

Best regards, 

Samuel Kroggnatious Johnson, Esq. 

Puzzling a puzzling puzzle!

Ready for a night out on the TOWN!

Santa Sam and Kristo Claus!

Hopefully by now you've seen the Drunk History version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. If you haven't, you're missing out big time, and you should rectify that situation immediately. If you aren't cackling with laughter within the first thirty seconds of this video then either A) you've never gotten drunk off whiskey, B) never had to try to do anything even remotely serious while under the influence of alcohol, or C) don't really get that whole "humor" thing people have been talking so much about. Throw some Oscar-worthy performances by Ryan Gosling and Jim Carey into the mix, and you've got yourself some Christmas GOLD right there! Enjoy:

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Now then, in the spirit of Christmas, I decided to call up my friend Kristo and give him the gift of...well...an ass kicking. For those who don't know Kristo is a serious badass. He's one of my favorite training partners because he's fun to hang out with for five hours or so at a time, and he's tough as nails. Naturally, I also kicked my own ass in the process, which if you think about it, is part of the holiday spirit: treat others as you yourself would like to be treated. Kristo and I tackled the EHB loop, one of my favorite training rides, and we did so in style:

Santa Sam!

Look at the twinkle in those eyes! 

Kristo Claus! 

SANTA SIGHTING! On the beach, near the frozen reservoir outside Emmett! 

Winds Changing

For the last three weeks, Boise has been draped in a temperature inversion. A blanket of frosty, stagnant air has filled the valley between the foothills and the Owyhees, and hasn't moved. The temperature, once a strong pulse from frigid nighttime lows, to balmy daytime highs -- flat-lined in the thirties. Air quality took a nosedive. The riding was fine in the same way gas station coffee is fine: rather tiresome, and never excellent, but consistent and tolerable. And besides, dry and calm and cold was better than wet and fierce and nasty. And besides, with enough pedal strokes, one could climb a ridge or two, and leave the fog behind, and breath the cleaner air, and feel the full strength of the sun's rays.

But today the winds returned! Like a blast from an atmospheric pressure washer, that inversion was chopped up, churned about, and blown out of here! Good riddance, mucky air. Hello dramatic Boise bluster!

I feel sorry for all those skiers in the area -- the hills are still bone dry, but DANG does that make for some stellar late-December mountain biking.

A White Elephant in the Room

I'm a big fan of white elephant parties -- where else can you purposefully steal someone else's gift without any social consequences? Last night I had the privilege of attending a fine one: hot buttered rum, tacky Christmas sweaters, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, and quality gifts across the board.

I showed up with what I thought was an especially fine offering. First off, I must call attention to the packaging I used. My mother, ever so crafty (especially around the holidays), made these nice reusable gift bags to wrap presents in. They're festive, and keep paper our of the landfill. See?

What treasures lie within? 

My gift was this: a potato gun, and a bandoleer of ammunition. It was a successful gift (it was stolen once), but I didn't really think through the fact that whoever received this gift would undoubtedly use it right away, thus littering my friend's apartment with tiny little potato pellets (many of which were never found -- sorry Drew).

As for me, I made out like a bandit! I got this awesomely decorated turtle! It's gold, and has lots and lots of glitter, and has a painted shell. Once I got home, I cleared my coffee table off and let it walk around -- stretch its legs, you know? I'm still searching for a name for this turtle. So far, options include: Prospero, Chrestomanci, Mendanbar, and Telemain (yes, these names are all wizards or magicians). Behold: MY WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT!!!

Now That is Some Customer Service!

Wow. I've gotten a nice follow-up email after going to a race, but a Christmas card? USA Pro Cycling Challenge, you just reset the bar...

WINTER SCRUFF

Krogg start to enjoy winter training more and more. Knee pain start to leave Krogg alone. Weather stay dry. But Krogg still bothered by extreme cold, especially since Krogg get rid of winter KILLER MUSTACHE: 

I know, right? 

Winter KILLER mustache provide Krogg with near superpowers! Sadly not all powers are good ones to have. For instance, winter KILLER mustache make Krogg totally impervious to cold. Never shiver. Never say "burrrrrrrr." But, winter KILLER mustache also make Krogg behave like Hulk Hogan -- KROGG SMASH STRANGER WITH CHAIR, AND CLIMB LADDER AND PILE-DRIVE ENEMIES!!!! This not good thing! 

So Krogg trade winter KILLER mustache for Mere Winter Scruff. See?

Krogg have everything need for cold ride: cap, buff, and scruff.

Mere Winter Scruff much more reasonable facial hair to sport through winter. But see how warm caveman? Without cap, buff, and scruff, Krogg freeze like shaved mammoth in blizzard storm.