Saturday, March 1, 2008

LMTYATFAMIS (Let Me Tell You About This Fu#*ing Awful Movie I Saw), or Why Pete Travis Should Be Flogged....



Pete Travis, fuck you.
Some people can make lemonade when life hands them lemons. On the other hand, when life handed Pete Travis a huge budget and a killer cast, he made a humongous steaming pile of CRAP!!!

The problems I have with this movie are many.

None of the characters have any substance: everyone was boring, everyone was single-sided, and everyone was annoyingly dumb. Not a single good performance was coaxed from the good actors (Sigourney Weaver, Forrest Whitaker, William Hurt, and Dennis Quaid).

The movie is set in Nonsenseville: nothing makes sense, and nothing is believable.

The scruffy looking Spanish cop sneaks a fucking bomb past the security station with this strange interaction (this is verbatim dialog):

Cop: I work for the mayor [flashes badge]
Security guard: Are you armed?
Cop: Yes
Security guard: Ok then I'll turn it off [in reference to the metal detector]

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

The evil terrorist mastermind rants about how pompous the Americans are regarding their security procedure, and yet his "ingenious" plan hinges on a masked gunman singlehandedly storming into the president's hotel and kidnapping him, killing nearly a dozen secret service agents along the way.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

Forrest Whitaker, despite being 25 years older and having 20% more body fat, is able to run every bit as fast as the CIA agents (and the scruffy looking cop) in the foot-chase through town. He drops the small girl he was looking after in the hands of a strange lady, screams "WAIT HERE, I HAVE TO HELP THE POLICE" and takes off like a bat out of hell with his hand-held video camera trained on the bad guy.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

The special effects are mind numbingly dumb: Dennis Quaid chases after the terrorists in a car he stole. His shitty blue rice-rocket gets t-boned three times while he's in pursuit, and every time, his car spins neatly around and the chase continues.

FUCK YOU PETE TRAVIS. NEVER SEE VANTAGE POINT!!!

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