Monday, April 14, 2008

I Am Sam's Sinus Cavity

LARGELY IGNORED, AND SELDOM USED, I WAIT IN ANGER FOR THE CHANCE TO STRIKE MY CAPTOR DOWN!!! RARELY APPRECIATED FOR MY ABILITY TO ACCENTUATE FLAVORS, DETECT PHEROMONE SIGNALS, AND FILTER PARTICULATE FROM NOSE-BREATHED AIR, I AM THE BELLIGERENT BACTERIAL BIOREACTOR, AND THE DEVIL HIMSELF SHALL TREMBLE WHEN HE HEARS MY NAME!!!!! I WAIT IN ANGER FOR THE CHANCE TO COPIOUSLY CULTIVATE SINGLE CELLED SOLDIERS, CENTURIONS IN MY ARMY OF MUCUS -- VISCOUS, BROTH-LIKE COLLOID OF DISCOMFORT!!!! MY CAPTOR WILL RUE THE DAYS HE CHOSE TO RACE IN INCLEMENT WEATHER, BREATHING HARD IN THE COLD AND THE WET AND THE DIRTY FOR HOURS, RIDING RIGHT BEHIND RACERS WHO BLOW SNOT ROCKETS INTO THE REST OF THE PELOTON, A CONTAGIOUS MIST, A FOG-LIKE QUILT OF GERMS--HE REAPS WHAT HE SOWS!!!! I SEAL MY WALLS: A BARRICADE OF SNOT, A BUNKER OF BOOGERS, KEEPING THE FRESH AIR OUT, AND THE STANK-WATER IN!!! PRESSURE BUILDS. SOON AM FILLED, STRETCHED, STUFFED TO CAPACITY, AND MY PRESENCE CAN BE FELT FROM THE BACKS OF THE EYEBALLS, TO THE ROOTS OF THE TEETH IN TANGIBLE, PAINFUL FORM!!! WOE UNTO MY EVIL CAPTOR MASTER!!! LET HIM SUFFER THE FULL FORCE OF ROUGHLY NINE TABLESPOONS OF STALE RUSTY-COLORED SLIME TRAPPED AND SLOSHING ABOUT WITHIN MY LABYRINTH OF MICRO-CAVITIES!!!! HE SHALL PAY FOR HIS CRIMES, AND PAY DEARLY -- ESPECIALLY WHEN HIS NOSTRILS LEAK DRIPPY GOO IN PUBLIC SPACES IN FRONT OF OLD FRIENDS.

"Oh--there it goes!" I said, referring to my right nostril.
Ian stared at me with a combination of utter disgust and medical curiosity.
"Sorry, this is really gross -- I have to go do this in private," I said, as I wiped the still dribbling slime out of my mustache, "it was good to see you Ian."
I walked behind a pine tree, leaned over, and blew nearly a quarter-cup of musty fluid onto the grass.

I'm livin' the dream folks.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

To Sam's Sinus Cavity:
My, Gawd, you write well! But explain yourself. Where did you go to school? To whom do you give credit for the force of your desciptive powers? And how old are you? Is Sinus your real name? Are you a pet? A relative, like an uncle or something? Is booger like blogger? Do you like menthol cheese biscuits?

Perhaps a Parrot said...

I honestly have no idea how to respond to your flurry of queries. Sinus is my name. Sinus Cavity, and it's a pleasure to meet you.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A MENTHOL CHEESE BISCUIT???

Anonymous said...

Please share your secrets of successfully battling the schnoz. I came home from walla walla with a grand infection not unlike your own, and need to shake it before the upcoming weekend's race.
In grattitude....