Mega-Ouch

TODAY KROGG CRUSHA CRUSHA CRUSHA!!!! KROG AND CARLOS AND BEN AND SHAWN ONGERS CRUSHA 100 MILES TODAY. HARDER THAN ANY DAY ON THE FRONT OF RACE KROGG EVER DO. KROGG CRACKED IN HALF OF HALF OF HALF. THIS HOW KROGG FEEL:

NOW KROGG CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH PIZZA!!!!!

THEN SLEEP.

OOF, TIRED CAVEMAN.

An Ode to Hawkins Pack Out

Hawkins Pack Out, savior mine,
I came across you just in time,


For I was bonking somethin' fierce, 
Could barely push my easy gears! 


Twice the hill by Horsehoe's Bend, 
Balls-to-the-wall, I did ascend,


But upon returning to the other side, 
I found myself a touch cross-eyed, 


Things from there went bad to badder, 
My speed fell right down a ladder, 


By the time I hit Bogus Basin road, 
It was full-blown self-destruct mode,


As Hawkins Pack Out called my name, 
My body stopped, simple and plain. 


A giant burger, root beer, and fries,
Appeared before mine own eyes!


And that is how I made it home, 
To write for you this very poem.

Tour of Utah 6.1: A Few Final Pictures

Here are some pictures left over from the weekend: 

There's Kennett slogging up the hill in the crit. He earned himself a new nickname: catfish. 

Here's the crowd along scenic main street Park City.

We stopped for some really good food at El Chubasco after the race

Kennett prepares for battle on Sunday's queen stage

Christine and Mark plot their route.

Me and Gord Fraser discussing the carnage. 

Tour of Utah 6.0: The Tour of Utah is OVER!

I made it. I finished. I ended up third from last in the GC, but considering only 71 guys finished, I'll take that. The queen stage was exactly like I remember it from 2008: a brutal suffer-fest all the way. 100 miles of pain. Just like two years ago, I was afraid of getting dropped before the climbing even started. Just like two years ago, I couldn't believe how long that Sundance climb was. Just like two years ago, I chased my brains out, and latched on to a tattered groupetto. And just like two years ago, I finished inside the time-cut.

Things that made this race obscenely hard:

• It was SO windy. The first 50 miles, while relatively flat, were guttered a lot.
• I crashed. Some Trek Livestrong kid ran into the guard rail and took out Jeremy Vennell and me. I was fine but whacked my knee, and somehow bruised my heel. 
• I got stung by three bees, the last one was right in my quad. 
• There was 10'000 feet of climbing at altitude. 

Thanks to Mark Twight (who rode in the team car), for snapping these excellent pictures.

Also, I received my fourth random drug test. Nothing beats having to pee on command, in front of another man, after spending the previous 4.5 hours sitting on your crotch. If you've never been selected from a random piss test, here's what you can expect (from my first encounter with this strange procedure, back in 2007).

Tour of Utah 3.0: Remember That Time Mt. Nebo Kicked My Ass???

Holy friggin' moly. Here's what we did today (thanks Garmin Connect):

What can I say about this stage? Let's just put it this way: the final 20 miles lived up to their reputation. Scaling 4,500 ft Mt. Nebo was everything it was cracked up to be. I was with Levi (and the rest of the field) until about 12 miles to go. In that 12 miles, he put a whopping 18 minutes in to me. I wasn't soft-pedaling either (people who soft-pedaled lost half an hour and got time-cut) -- I was going pretty hard.

Here's the part that I wasn't prepared for: the 60 miles of brutal crosswinds and echelons that preceded the final climb. It was awful. About 20 miles into the race, we rounded some bend and the aspect changed, and the wind shifted from a mostly-head to a cross-head wind, and all hell broke loose. By the time I hit the base of the climb, I was already fucked-in-half (pardon my French, but it's true).

Tour of Utah 2.2: Post Race Devastation

Today was really hard. Here's some evidence:

Lang

Ian

Phil, Chris, and (creepy) Kennett

Sean (and host child)

Sam (and Lang)

Cascade Stage 4: Krogg's Eye View

OK sports fan -- Krogg coverage begin now. Krogg have very very little energy right now, so please bare with Krogg.


This stage traditionally very bad for Krogg. Stage start in Bend, but first thing racers climb straight up Mt. Bachelor. This mean it exceedingly easy to swing axe right out of hands. On more than one occasion, Krogg find himself completely dropped (dropped from field, dropped from caravan, and dropped from line of 50 pickup trucks towing boats on way to lakes) before race even reach summit of first KOM, and Krogg spend better part of next 40 miles chasing and chasing and chasing. Keep in mind, Krogg only do this stage twice before, and both times, Krogg get shelled like bag of pecans, so Krogg especially eager to not get dropped. See how hard race is:




This time Krogg still attack on slopes of Mt. Bachelor, but only once or twice, and Krogg never really in danger of getting dropped. Krogg tell self "easy does it Krogg -- maintain firm grip on axe -- there plenty more chances to swing!"


Then, on blisteringly fast descent from Mt. Bachelor, Krogg use super aero tuck and drift off front of field. Krogg look back and see several other racers (Paul Mach, some Trek/Livestrong kid, some Garmin kid, and some Yahoo kid), so Krogg work together with racers for several miles. Yikes we go hard! Krogg pretty sure him started big breakaway of day! GOOOOO KROGG!!! Krogg achieve one small goal of getting race numbers read over race radio (Krogg hope something like "Hagens Berman rider number 91 is friggin' killing it right now.")


Sadly, Krogg not get to live dreams of being in big breakaway at Cascade. Field chase down Krogg, and then Krogg very very tired. No, make that very very very very tired. Krogg spend rest of race getting water bottles for team, and distributing Swedish Fish to other racers (yes Krogg bring bag of Swedish fish in race, and yes, Krogg give some to Floyd!). On second trip up Mt. Bachelor, Krogg get dropped and just slowly ride it in with Andrew Pinfold. This ok -- at least Krogg break spell of getting dropped over first climb. 

Cascade Stages 1 & 2

Alright sports fans, coverage for the Cascade Classic begins now! As it turns out, Oracle Paul, when he predicted I would crush the field in the time trial was only half-right. Apparently he wasn't referring to the "Old Mill District Prologue Time Trial," but rather prognosticated my impending victory (and subsequent capturing of the race lead) at the "Skyliner's Time Trial," which begins tomorrow. Thank goodness, because for a moment I had my doubts about the famous octopus' predictive abilities. So yeah, look for me to overcome my nine-minute deficit in tomorrow's time trial. I'll be winning the a stage and taking the leader's jersey yet.

But yeah, so I didn't win the Prologue. Nor did I don the race-leader's jersey. In fact, I placed 69th, roughly 13 seconds down on the winner.

Sadly, I also didn't win today's stage. I don't really remember much, but Krogg does. Take it away Krogg:

So Krogg start day in 69th place. This not especially good number for caveman, seeing how caveman really can't count past twenty (things get difficult once out of fingers and toes). So Krogg want to win stage, right? Well how Krogg do this? Krogg tell you: KROGG SWING AXE! YES THAT'S RIGHT! KROGG RATHER DIE ON FEET STANDING UP BOTH HANDS FIRMLY GRIPPING AXE HANDLE THAN COWER IN PELOTON UNTIL MARC DE MAAR AND RORY SUTHERLAND PUNCH KROGG'S TICKET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Krogg not really feel like fighting tooth-and-nail for spot in top 40. So, Krogg look at stage profile:

This spell big ouch for big caveman. Krogg think. Krogg see very few opportunities to attack in early part of race (racers go too fast down hill, draft too good). Krogg attack once or twice on little bumps around mile 9.2, but Krogg afterwards tell himself "no more attack Krogg -- put axe back in holster [yes axe have holster] you must not get dropped over McKenzie Pass, ok?"  Then peloton starts GIGANTIC climb up McKenzie Pass. Krogg amazed with how friggin' hard this climb is, and how long. Krogg climb for 20 goddam miles! Eventually Krogg get dropped, but very close to summit of climb, so Krogg chase like banshee and catch back onto front of race (along with many others) by crest of climb. Then peloton (only 75 cavemen at this point from start of 200!), descend to other side of climb. Once peloton finally get down from climb, Krogg ATTACK!  Krogg attack several times, and come darn close to getting in breakway, but not quite. Then peloton start final climb up some other humongous mountain, and Krogg get dropped right when things get steep (mile 67). After little while, Krogg catch well known racer Floyd Landis. Floyd also dropped. Krogg and Floyd spend next six miles dragging our bodies up mountain together. Floyd lead-out Krogg for 79th place. Many good times. Side note: Krogg feel like vomiting for nearly hour and half following race. Big big ouch for caveman today. 

Thanks Krogg. So that's right. I spent the final few miles of the race hangin' out with Floyd. I'd go so far as to say we're "tight," as in "yeah, me and Floyd, we're tight."

How Does it Feel?

If you've ever wondered how it feels to finish one of these races, here's a photo from Pat over at Oregon Cycling Action. I'd say this pretty much sums it up: