Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Cascade Stages 1 & 2

Alright sports fans, coverage for the Cascade Classic begins now! As it turns out, Oracle Paul, when he predicted I would crush the field in the time trial was only half-right. Apparently he wasn't referring to the "Old Mill District Prologue Time Trial," but rather prognosticated my impending victory (and subsequent capturing of the race lead) at the "Skyliner's Time Trial," which begins tomorrow. Thank goodness, because for a moment I had my doubts about the famous octopus' predictive abilities. So yeah, look for me to overcome my nine-minute deficit in tomorrow's time trial. I'll be winning the a stage and taking the leader's jersey yet.



But yeah, so I didn't win the Prologue. Nor did I don the race-leader's jersey. In fact, I placed 69th, roughly 13 seconds down on the winner.

Sadly, I also didn't win today's stage. I don't really remember much, but Krogg does. Take it away Krogg:

So Krogg start day in 69th place. This not especially good number for caveman, seeing how caveman really can't count past twenty (things get difficult once out of fingers and toes). So Krogg want to win stage, right? Well how Krogg do this? Krogg tell you: KROGG SWING AXE! YES THAT'S RIGHT! KROGG RATHER DIE ON FEET STANDING UP BOTH HANDS FIRMLY GRIPPING AXE HANDLE THAN COWER IN PELOTON UNTIL MARC DE MAAR AND RORY SUTHERLAND PUNCH KROGG'S TICKET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Krogg not really feel like fighting tooth-and-nail for spot in top 40. So, Krogg look at stage profile:

This spell big ouch for big caveman. Krogg think. Krogg see very few opportunities to attack in early part of race (racers go too fast down hill, draft too good). Krogg attack once or twice on little bumps around mile 9.2, but Krogg afterwards tell himself "no more attack Krogg -- put axe back in holster [yes axe have holster] you must not get dropped over McKenzie Pass, ok?"  Then peloton starts GIGANTIC climb up McKenzie Pass. Krogg amazed with how friggin' hard this climb is, and how long. Krogg climb for 20 goddam miles! Eventually Krogg get dropped, but very close to summit of climb, so Krogg chase like banshee and catch back onto front of race (along with many others) by crest of climb. Then peloton (only 75 cavemen at this point from start of 200!), descend to other side of climb. Once peloton finally get down from climb, Krogg ATTACK!  Krogg attack several times, and come darn close to getting in breakway, but not quite. Then peloton start final climb up some other humongous mountain, and Krogg get dropped right when things get steep (mile 67). After little while, Krogg catch well known racer Floyd Landis. Floyd also dropped. Krogg and Floyd spend next six miles dragging our bodies up mountain together. Floyd lead-out Krogg for 79th place. Many good times. Side note: Krogg feel like vomiting for nearly hour and half following race. Big big ouch for caveman today. 

Thanks Krogg. So that's right. I spent the final few miles of the race hangin' out with Floyd. I'd go so far as to say we're "tight," as in "yeah, me and Floyd, we're tight."

2 comments:

Bob Cesca said...

This is the funniest thing I've read all day:

>>>Krogg afterwards tell himself "no more attack Krogg -- put axe back in holster [yes axe have holster] you must not get dropped over McKenzie Pass, ok?

You rule, man. On the blog and on the bike.

xtine said...

You're awesome. I'm so glad you blog.

Also, my team gave me a mission: figure out if Floyd thinks other people think he's a joke or a martyr. Help? (: