NEWS FLASH: COLD FUSION DISCOVERED SIMULTANEOUSLY, INDEPENDENTLY IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE!!!!

Years ago the prospect of cold fusion was explored by scientists in search of limitless free energy. Enthusiasm for cold fusion research faded after the initial experiments proved to be not-repeatable -- a veritable dead end. However, today a team of Japanese scientists and a lone Northwest-based bicycle racer have simultaneously unlocked the secrets to this virtually limitless energy source. In Japan, an Osaka based laboratory held its experiment in front of a live audience, and were clearly excited about their results. "We've been researching this for nearly two decades -- it's good to see our hard work pay off like this," the chief Japanese scientist said.

Amazingly, Sam Johnson, a Seattle based bicycle racer also discovered a nearly limitless source of free energy by accident while pedaling his bike around Mercer Island earlier today. Having at best a modest physics background, Johnson appeared as surprised by his results as anyone else. "I was in honors physical science in 9th grade, which was, like, this special group that met after school -- well I guess not technically -- it wasn't on my transcript or anything, but I'd show up almost every week anyway, so I guess I'm pretty scientifical minded, and stuff," Johnson said. According to various sources, the energy source was discovered while Johnson, an elite level cyclist, was doing a twenty-minute maximum power test early Saturday morning. "I knew I was feeling good -- but whoah -- I mean cold fusion? That's pretty rad!" Johnson said. While Johnson's method has yet to be fully validated by the scientific community, early examination of Johnson's power meter data is, like, totally legit.