Monday, December 22, 2008

Montezuma’s Revenge Expansion Packs

Here some add-ons for the now popular game:
Montezuma’s Revenge: Lost at Sea

Unlike in the United States economy, liquidity is easy to find in Mexico – often way way way too easy. This variation of Montezuma’s Revenge is what you do should you find yourself unable to produce a solid stool for days on end. The rules are much less structured than the regular game; it’s more just an exercise in visualization. Pretend you’re adrift at sea with neither a sail nor a paddle; the waves are rough and you desperately want to stand on solid ground again. Every Immodium you ingest is like an ocean current gently (but firmly) carrying you towards the mainland. Every carton of Electrolito (a beverage fortified with all the electrolytes you lose while shitting your ever-loving-brains out) is like a warm rain that boosts your strength as well as your spirits. Lastly, if things are looking extremely dire, taking antibiotics is like getting spotted by the fucking coast guard – help is not only on its way, but it’s coming fast. Tacos are back on the menu baby!
Montezuma’s Revenge: The Never Ending Story
Just because the first round of Montezuma’s Revenge has ended doesn’t mean the game is over. In fact, it’s just the beginning. You keep your score just like usual, only every time you get diarrhea or vomit you remove points based on the severity of the incident:
Nausea: -100 points
The Squirts: -500 points
Vomiting: -500 points
Shitting Your Pants: -1000 points
Shitting Your Pants in Public: -1500 points
Vomiting While Shitting Your Pants in Public: +1,000,000 points

Example: After weeks of testing the outer limits of his digestive fortitude with little to no consequences, Sam attends a graduation party hosted by a friend of the group. On the way to the party, Sam spots a pulque stand (a bizarre Mexican alcoholic beverage made from fermented century plant), and purchases a liter carton of milky liquid, served out of a large ceramic jug. It tastes sweet, sour, slightly fizzy, and fucking strong. Upon arriving at the fiesta, Sam was treated to a full traditional catered meal, with unlimited tequila. Sam proceeds to rack up nearly 300 points sampling (and then gorging himself) on every single food item presented to him including (but not limited to): tripe, cayos ( pigs feet), chicharones, carnitas, tortas de carne, three types of crazy cheese, about seven different sauces, some wacky potato-based item, and about six feet of churrros. After the meal, Sam felt slightly queasy (-100), but remained optimistic. It wasn’t until later that night that he was “blessed” with the opportunity to empty a large portion of said feast into the toilet (after a panicky waddle to the bathroom). Sam repeated this procedure four times, each time dutifully removing 500 points from his score. The next day, Sam drank some Electrolito and ate an Immodium, questioned whether he should be so caviler regarding his food and beverage choices, and prayed that his punishment be as swift as it was severe. Thus far, the gods seem to have listened with a sympathetic ear.

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