Montezuma’s Revenge Expansion Packs

Here some add-ons for the now popular game:

Montezuma’s Revenge: Lost at Sea

Unlike in the United States economy, liquidity is easy to find in Mexico – often way way way too easy. This variation of Montezuma’s Revenge is what you do should you find yourself unable to produce a solid stool for days on end. The rules are much less structured than the regular game; it’s more just an exercise in visualization. Pretend you’re adrift at sea with neither a sail nor a paddle; the waves are rough and you desperately want to stand on solid ground again. Every Immodium you ingest is like an ocean current gently (but firmly) carrying you towards the mainland. Every carton of Electrolito (a beverage fortified with all the electrolytes you lose while shitting your ever-loving-brains out) is like a warm rain that boosts your strength as well as your spirits. Lastly, if things are looking extremely dire, taking antibiotics is like getting spotted by the fucking coast guard – help is not only on its way, but it’s coming fast. Tacos are back on the menu baby!

Montezuma’s Revenge: The Never Ending Story

Just because the first round of Montezuma’s Revenge has ended doesn’t mean the game is over. In fact, it’s just the beginning. You keep your score just like usual, only every time you get diarrhea or vomit you remove points based on the severity of the incident:

Nausea: -100 points

The Squirts: -500 points

Vomiting: -500 points

Shitting Your Pants: -1000 points

Shitting Your Pants in Public: -1500 points

Vomiting While Shitting Your Pants in Public: +1,000,000 points

Example: After weeks of testing the outer limits of his digestive fortitude with little to no consequences, Sam attends a graduation party hosted by a friend of the group. On the way to the party, Sam spots a pulque stand (a bizarre Mexican alcoholic beverage made from fermented century plant), and purchases a liter carton of milky liquid, served out of a large ceramic jug. It tastes sweet, sour, slightly fizzy, and fucking strong. Upon arriving at the fiesta, Sam was treated to a full traditional catered meal, with unlimited tequila. Sam proceeds to rack up nearly 300 points sampling (and then gorging himself) on every single food item presented to him including (but not limited to): tripe, cayos ( pigs feet), chicharones, carnitas, tortas de carne, three types of crazy cheese, about seven different sauces, some wacky potato-based item, and about six feet of churrros. After the meal, Sam felt slightly queasy (-100), but remained optimistic. It wasn’t until later that night that he was “blessed” with the opportunity to empty a large portion of said feast into the toilet (after a panicky waddle to the bathroom). Sam repeated this procedure four times, each time dutifully removing 500 points from his score. The next day, Sam drank some Electrolito and ate an Immodium, questioned whether he should be so caviler regarding his food and beverage choices, and prayed that his punishment be as swift as it was severe. Thus far, the gods seem to have listened with a sympathetic ear.

Montezuma's Revenge

One of the most exciting parts about traveling abroad is the chance to sample the local cuisine. Mexican food is diverse and delicious, and I am eager to moisten my taste buds with new things. However, as seasoned travelers well know, being adventurous with food in far off lands can have its consequences. In Mexico the warning-signs regarding food (and the odds of getting sick from eating that food), and I'm not out here looking for [intestinal] trouble. That said, as I have stated in many ways about many topics, I'm not the kind of person who limits the realm of his experiences simply due to the presence of danger. Therefore, I shall be trying the food while I’m here, and trying lots of it. If something looks good, I’m going to eat it, even if the guidebook says it’s risky. I’ve got Immodium AD. If things get really bad I can get antibiotics. I’ll live. What I can’t live without is the food!

SO while several TEMA group members and I are going to be running a fairly high risk of getting sick, I figured why not have some fun with the idea. So, here ya go:








New from Parker Brothers

Montezuma’s Revenge:
Race to the Mexican Outhouse

The fun-filled food game nobody can resist playing
where the winner usually loses, but everybody pays.

2+ players.
Ages 2 and up.

Objective:
While traveling through Mexico, players will make choices about what to eat, and earn points based upon those choices. The goal of the game is simple: rack up as many points as possible without contracting a debilitating case of explosive diarrhea. The game begins when everyone crosses the border and ends when the first person is mercilessly struck down by the gods of intestinal maladies.

Players:
Montezuma’s Revenge is an easy game that can be played by any group of two or more people, provided everyone crosses the Mexican border at the same time. While anyone can play Montezuma’s Revenge, we suggest that infants, the elderly, and anyone unsettled by the idea of shitting themselves frequently or in public should refrain from playing.

Play:
Play is organized into three primary rounds per day: breakfast, lunch and dinner. Each round players must choose food items and eat them. Points are awarded based upon risk level and adventurousness. The goal is to eat as much interesting food as possible, without actually getting sick. Points are awarded as follows:

Unrefrigerated: +3 points
Unusual: +3 points
Undercooked: +3 points
Uncooked: +5 points
Unwashed: +5 points
Unidentifiable: +5 points
Covered in Flies: +5 points
Found on Ground: +5 points
Lettuce: + 10 points

Example: Sam steps off the bus at the first gas stop once across the border, somewhere in Baja. Instead of going into the adjacent convince store, Sam crosses the street and goes to the plywood taco shack. The shack has no electricity (+5 for unrefrigerated). Sam bravely orders the goat tacos (+3 for unusual), which had to be fished from a pot of very suspicious lukewarm chunky brown liquid, instead of coming off the grill like the beef tacos. He proceeds to cover his taco with every salsa, pico de gallo, and diced vegetable available (+5 for uncooked), most of which were buzzing with flies (+5 for flies). This makes for a total of 18 points – a very good round, especially for lunch.

Players may also participate in any number of bonus rounds, including snacks, roadside food stands, and any foraged local flora or fauna. Certain food choices are punished with point deductions. These include:

Packaged: -3 points
Pasteurized: -3 points
Boring: -5 points

Play can continue for as many rounds as are needed, and the game ends once the first player succumbs to whatever intestinal parasite or bacterial infection was lucky enough to find a home in that player’s GI tract. In the (very very) likely event that the player with the most points is also the first person to get sick, that person shall still be considered the "winner"; however, he or she obviously deserves a healthy does of name-calling – preferably while that person is seated on the toilet, wide-eyed, clutching the underside of the bowl, praying that this humiliation end swiftly, and begging to be fed anti-diarrheals by the fistful.