Peter Parker Lies! I AM SPIDERMAN!!!!

EXTRA EXTRA -- READ ALL ABOUT IT!! PETER PARKER NOT ACTUALLY SPIDERMAN!!!

Ok Spiderman fans, get ready to have your hearts broken: it's true -- Peter Parker has been full of shit this whole time! Apparently, he conjured up the whole "I'm Spiderman" nonsense to hit on a girl at a bar. Even worse, it didn't work! That girl was way out of his league, and his story totally backfired, but somehow the right people overheard, and posted it on their blogs, and -- well you know how the internet works; the rumor went viral. The point is, PETER PARKER ISN'T SPIDERMAN! Here's Peter Parker:

Here's Spiderman:


See the resemblance? Neither do I! It turns out that Peter Parker, the mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper, is nothing more than that: a mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper (albeit a loser with a fertile imagination).

Want to know a another little secret about Spiderman? Ready to get your mind blown wide open like a jar of mayonnaise on the fourth of July? Brace yourself.......I AM NOW SPIDERMAN!!!!!!!

Boom! There! I said it! Well to be more clear, I'm not exactly the Spiderman, as much as I am now a spiderman. Want to know how? Well the answer is simple:


Yes, Spiderman's powers now come in blue tape form. All you have to do is slap some Spidertech athletic tape on your joints and you'll be climbing walls, and slinging webs, and kicking the snot out of Green Goblins in no time. I mean just look at my leg:

Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, and you haven't even seen me fight evil, or hang upside-down. Now compare my leg to Spiderman's leg:

See the similarities? Pretty much identical, huh?

Yeah. So the best part is that Spidertech just signed on to sponsor Team Exergy! From now on, everyone on the team will be lining up to race with spider powers! Remember how badass Andres Diaz is at going uphill? Well wait 'til you see him climb up mountains now that he's been SPIDERTECHED! Ever seen Carlos unleash a sprint in a crit? Well wait til you see him sprint with the power of SPIDERS wrapped around his legs. Yippie-kay-yay bitches, we're Spidermen now! Learn more about Spidertech, and its superhero-power-granting athletic tape HERE. 

Holy Lord, The Robots Have HANDS!!!

Ok. It's official. The robots with hands are on their way. Now I don't mean just a clumsy inarticulate piece of pink rubber in the shape of a hand -- no, I mean crazy fast, crazy powerful, crazy lethal metal hands. Watch this video:

Now the part of the video they didn't show you is where the robotic hand picks up a butterfly knife and slices  the roboticists to ribbons. The only thing scarier than knife wielding robots, is spider robots. Giant spider robots.

SPIDERS!

Here's how my brain works.

I was looking at my new Aero Race Jersey from Castelli. This is a really cool garment: it's like a skinsuit top, but a lot more comfortable. It's form-fitting and really stretchy, and it's got these cool edges on the sleeves that utilize some crazy new fabric I've never seen before. It's like a layer of skinsuit spandex (highly stretchy, with a non-textured weave), but it's grippy so it can hang on to an arm warmer. The effect is an amazingly comfortable, totally seamless transition, that still grips. 

SO then I was like -- wow -- fabric is friggin' cool these days! BUT WAIT -- SPIDERS HAVE BEEN THE MASTERS OF COOL FABRIC SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME (or at least the dawn of spiders). So I just HAD to watch a video on spider webs: 

Which naturally led me to this: 

SPIDERS THAT NET THEIR PREY!?!?! (Thanks to my friend Sterling for sharing) HOW SWEET!!! But also a little scary. Like if I were a cricket, I'd be so screwed. This made me really glad. Glad both that spiders aren't eight feet tall, and that people aren't cricket-sized -- cuz in either of those situations, I think it's pretttttty darn save to say that we (as in all of humanity) would be totally screwed! I mean look at what happened in Star Ship Troopers: 

Those bugs quickly swarmed and overran Whiskey Outpost, and they weren't even spiders! They didn't even have giant spinnerettes, capable of weaving giant man-catching nets!!!! WE'RE DOOMED!! THE GIANT SPIDERS WILL COME FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!! THEY CAN SEE IN THE DARK AND PICK LOCKS WITH THEIR FEET!!!! THEY HAVE NO FEAR OF DEATH AND CAN'T BE STOPPED BY BULLETS OF FLAMES!!!!!! EIGHT LEGS!!! EIGHT-FREEKIN' BULLETPROOF, FLAME-RETARDANT LEGS!!!! WE WILL NEVER STOP ALL EIGHT LEGS!!!!!!!!!!

DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!!! DOOMED!!!!!!






I gotta go ride my bike....I'm getting too worked up here.

UPDATE: HOLY SMOKES! THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET MUCH MUCH WORSE!!! Thanks to an astute reader, my nightmares will be filled with these things -- crazy spider/goat mutants! THEY'RE SCARY CUZ THEY'RE REAL!