Thursday, June 12, 2008

Nature Valley Stage 1 (or not).

YEEEEEE-HAAAAW AND GIDDYUP!!!!!!! STRAP YERSELVES DOWN, AND BUCKLE UP -- GET YERSELF READY FOR SOME BONE JARRING, SPARK SHOOTIN', SKIN SCRAPIN', ASPHALT MUNCHIN' ACTION!!! THIS IS THE NATURE VALLEY GRAND PRIX BABY!!!!
Shit howdy....that was nuts. I do not intend to mince words here: people are idiots. They pump their tires too full of air, and then corner really hard over the sewer grate even after they've seen like 30 other guys crash on that corner! Just CHILL OUT PEOPLE!
Here's what you need to know:

--the staging might have been the best part of the whole race. I have rarely felt such sublime suspense. The entire field stood around for over twenty minutes as the excitement, anticipation, and nervousness built to a pretty awesome crescendo. The DJ's were spinning some excellent tunes, namely the beginning of Daft Punk's Aerodynamic moments before take off. When the beat finally kicked in, I could swear the gun had gone off. I was all in favor of skipping the race and turning the thing into a giant spandex dance party, but that darn official had to shoot the gun off anyway. Check it (thanks to Moses Images):


--into the first turn, I slammed on my brakes ('cus that's what everyone in front of me was doing), only I didn't seem to slow down at all. It was wet wet wet, and my brakes didn't seem to do shit! That didn't keep me from using them the whole race though. A lot. I need to work on braking less -- I'd save more energy, and wouldn't have to spend so much time cleaning nasty break dust off my fork after the race is over. Adrian's bike had no visible brake dust on his fork, so I know it was possible to go around that course with less braking. Things to work on....

--that one corner! There were crashes on corner 3 every friggin' lap! ARE YOU JUST DUMB, OR DO YOU HAVE THE LONG TERM MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH?? If you see guys wiping out on the same corner over and over again....maybe you shouldn't BOMB through that corner with a shitty line while trying to pass three guys. Maybe. I didn't crash, but good lord, a lot of people did.

--after the motorcycle crashed, they paused the race, rounded everyone up at the start line, and held some sort of bizarre poll:

Head official: all in favor of stopping the race, say aye.

E
ither a majority, or a very loud minority: AYE!!!

Head official
: councilor, do we have a quorum?

Councilor
: yes head official

Head official: the results of this race will not count for GC, are you cool with that?

Ivan Stevic
(with thick serbian accent): SO COOL -- I've got the Oleeempics coming up. I don'wanna die.

Head official
: then by the power vested in me, I hereby proclaim this race null and void!

I won't say that now I've seen it all....but I've certainly seen a lot more.

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