Friday, June 20, 2008

Rollin' Like Rock

YEEEEEEAH BITCHES, after enduring a week of humiliating pain and torture (courtesy of the legs of the nations best) I'm happy to say that I've left the trenches of the Nature Valley Grand Prix. While nobody on our team pulled off a great overall result, we rode pretty well on some stages, and had one hell of an after party. Your Honor, I would like to submit the following debaucherous photographic evidence, so that it may be added to the record:

I have been redeployed to the fronts of eastern Oregon, to the battlefields of the Elkhorn Classic. I dearly hope that getting my ass handed to my in the crosswinds by the pros will translate to me being able to distribute the same kind of wallop to the field here, instead of just leaving me feeling flat and burned out. Only the race itself will tell. As for our accommodation, we're rolling like Jay-Z. In Minnesota, we stayed in an absolute hovel (a massive, gorgeous, custom mansion owned by a charming and generous professional photographer and his wife):
Enough of those annoying home stays, with all those inconveniences that accompany them (like full kitchens), we're livin' large for this race. That's right, we're staying in a MOTEL! Check it:
With our armada of tricked out race vehicles, we're rollin' just like Rock!

I will say that this motel is filled with charming, personalized touches -- ones you just don't see at the cookie-cutter chain hotels. Take for example this sign posted outside the shower: Now I dearly hope that I'm supposed to let the hot water run so that it will reach an acceptable bathing temperature -- instead of a less savory alternative (like: please let hot water run for 1 to 5 minutes so the concentration of flesh-eating bacteria reaches "safe" levels). Also, I'm glad they posted that other sign -- just as I was about to pour a saulsberry steak down the drain, and then shampoo my St. Bernard, I caught myself. Here's another thing you rarely see at a Holiday Inn: real live dead flowers!
Last and perhaps best -- the Baker City Motel has its own wake up service -- courtesy of Burlington Northern/Santa Fe railroad located across the streed. Instead of those annoying wake-up calls that most hotels use, this convenient alarm system is fully automated, and insures none of the Motel's guests oversleep. In fact, we are lucky enough to get SEVERAL alarms, almost on the hour (missing a race from oversleeping would be a crying shame, you know).
Until next time,
this is Sam Johnson,
from the front lines,
signing off.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

sweet accomodations! rip it up!

ps i think it's salisbury

Christopher Walken said...

also, baker city is in eastern oregon. maybe take less time playing the skin flute and hit the books.

Perhaps a Parrot said...

Thank you, my most observant readers. Please keep in mind that English is a second language for me. I taught myself to read by arranging Skittles candies into words. If either of you are interested in a full time position as editor of my blog, please e-mail me your resumes. The job will require no more than 5 hours of work per week, I can pay you $48,000 a year (plus full benefits.), you will receive a $5,000 travel stipend, and you can work from anywhere in the world.

Not.

Anonymous said...

ha hahaha aa haaa armada! VROOOOM!!!!