ORACLE PAUL SPEAKS AGAIN!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: ORACLE PAUL SPEAKS AGAIN!
The Associated Press

In a shocking development, Oracle Paul, the recently disgraced psychic octopus, has made another series of predictions that rocked the cycling world as much as the Vegas betting tables Sunday morning. Among other predictions, Oracle Paul claims that Sam Johnson, a racer on the Hagens Berman Cycling Team, shall lap the field, win the stage, and claim the coveted yellow jersey at the stage 4 criterium of this year's Cascade Cycling Classic. Should this prediction come true, Johnson's performance would be one of the biggest come-backs in the history of the sport. Johnson now sits in 125th place, 26:14 behind race leader Rory Sutherland. In order to capture the yellow jersey off Sutherland's shoulders, Johnson would have to lap the field approximately seventeen times. Oracle Paul appeared unfazed when told the the betting odds of Johnson doing this were approximately 1,453,221,458:1, as set by online betting agent SportsBook.com. When asked for a comment, Oracle Paul simply grabbed a hunk of crab meat with his tentacle, and shoved it into his fearsome beak.
This is a surprise turnaround for the eight-legged prognosticator, who retired from the field of sports predictions in disgrace after incorrectly pegging the same HB rider as the winner of both the prologue and the time trial. Oracle Paul, now deeply aware of his credibility issues, is asking his fans for a second chance.

Cascade Stage 3

Alright sports fans, coverage of the Cascade Cycling Classic begins now!

Today the sports world wept a collective tear when Oracle Paul, the famed psychic octopus form the soccer world cup, made his first incorrect prediction of his otherwise spotless career. Unfortunately, I did not take the yellow jersey by crushing race leader Rory Sutherland by nine and a half minutes. In fact, I didn't even win the stage -- Oracle Paul was way off!

I did however get to pass Floyd Landis. It took me a long time to reel him in, and I wasn't able to actually pass him until we'd gone through the turnaround, but I'll admit, it was kind of fun. This time trial is an out-and-back up a hill, so the return trip is blazing fast. Once I was able to get all 58 teeth on my chain ring spinning around nice and fast, I put the final nail in the coffin of Floyd's time trial. On my way by, I couldn't help myself....I yelled "Swedish Fish."

Cascade Coverage Begins Now!

Welcome sports fans to the best coverage on the face of the internet of the most exciting bicycle race on the face of the planet, the Cascade Cycling Classic.

Now mark my words, I am here to personally kick the snot of every single other racer here. Pro contracts, impressive resumes, or bulging muscles be damned, heads will roll! Not only that, I have a whole team of highly-trained bicycle ninjas at my side to help me do the kicking (not that I need help per-se, but should there be any runaways, teammates could come in handy).

I have contracted the services of Oracle Paul, the magical octopus, to predict who will win the first stage.

Just like at the world cup, I gave Oracle Paul a choice between two boxes: one containing a picture of my face, and another covered with a picture of the rest of the peloton. Inside the box with my face on it, I placed several pieces of clam meat (Paul's favorite food), and inside the other box, I places a small pile of steel ball-bearings (Paul's other favorite food). Oracle paul was allowed to choose between the two boxes, and lo -- he chose the one with my face on it!

Things get started at the ripe (I'd even say past-ripe) hour of 8:30 pm with a 2-mile prologue. I shall win this, according to Oracle Paul, and my teammates will all pack inside the top ten. Huzzuh.

To see more in depth coverage, tune into Oregon Cycling Action.

STOP. Training Time!

Allrighty Sports Fans, pop quiz:

1: Let's say you finished Nationals feeling a little worn down, a little beat up, a little burned out -- and you have to get ready for the mighty mighty Cascade Classic a mere three weeks away. What would you do? 

A) Go home and cry for three weeks.
B) Go to Idaho where the weather is nice, and the roads are smooth, and the birds are singing, and cry for three weeks.
C) Go home and rest for a week (or cry, depending), but then go to Idaho and train your mother-lickin'-legs off!

The answer is C.

2: Let's say you've decided to go to Idaho and train your legs off. Where should you go: 

A) Boise, because you know the roads like the back of your hand, and it's nice and hot so you can acclimatize to the heat, and there's lots of fun stuff to do while you're not training.
B) Sun Valley, because you know the roads like the back of your hand, and it's high altitude, and it's downright gorgeous there right now.
C) A and B
D) Nampa.

The answer is C. Never go to Nampa.

3: Ok, so you're going to Idaho to train. How are you going to measure your workload? 

A) Well you don't own a working power meter at the moment, so you could leave a trail of bread crumbs on your rides, and go back in the car and count your milage with the car's odometer. Then you could go in a wind tunnel and calculate your drag coefficient, and finally hire a scientist to calculate your wattage.
B) You do own a broken power meter. Maybe you could fix it?
C) Nope. You don't have enough time to do that -- plus your old power meter doesn't work with your new Garmin Edge. I'd suggest contracting that psychic octopus, Oracle Paul, to predict what your wattage will be on your rides.

There is no answer to life's biggest questions. Or this idiotic one.

4: By the way, how the hell did that octopus predict Spain would win? 

A) He's a psychic dude! Psychics know!
B) He's actually the supreme master of the universe and his will becomes manifest, always. Spain won because the Oracle Paul wishes it so.
C) He's a patsy! The Germans needed someone to blame if they lost, and Oracle Paul happened to be in the wrong aquarium at the wrong time.

The answer is B. All hail Oracle Paul!

5: Anyway, none of those power meter ideas sound like good ideas. What about just getting a new one? 

A) Holy shit. I hadn't thought of that.
B) Are you a genius or what? Psychic octopus? How did you know that's what I would do?!
C) Say hello to my new power meter.

5: Awesome. Now get out there and train. How's it going? 

A) So far, so good!
B) So far, so bad!

The answer is A