Things Come to an End.

The end of August is clearly the time for endings. The Beijing Olympics just came to a close, the Lake Washington Velo circuit race series wrapped up yesterday, and with it -- my cycling season for 2008. I'm not saying that I won't race a bike again this year (you all know how much I love cyclocross -- my month of October pretty much summed it up), but I will say that I'm doing with my "serious" season. From now on, bikes are to be ridden for the purposes of pleasure or transportation only. No serious racing. None.

It's a tough thing, realizing that one's season is over. For the most part, I feel great -- much better than I did in '07. Now I had a great season. I got faster than I've ever been, I did my fair share of winning, and I strengthened my weaknesses -- but, to quote Will Frischkorn "I wouldn't be an athlete if I didn't want to be one step higher." To be a successful bike racer, one must work hard, sacrifice much, and STILL you've got to be really lucky. Doing well at big races is all about finding opportunities and capitalizing on them. For me, so much of my season seems to have been characterized by "oh-so-close" moments. Oh-so-close at the Glia. Oh-so-close at Walla Walla. Oh-so-close at Hood. Valley of the Sun aside, I never quite put it together at a stage race. All this means is I want to come back next year and do better. But that's for next year. For now, I've got bigger fish to fry:


I'm on my way to Burning Man. Yes. That's right. Burning Man. Yes, that crazy festival in the desert with all those naked hippies. This might mean I take a small hiatus from blogging. Then again, I hear they've somehow got WiFi at Burning Man (crazy times we live in, huh?), so if you're lucky, you just might get some blog updates from the belly of the beast itself. I've got my camera fully charged, and I'll do my best to keep up with the madness, but even I (powerhouse blogger than I am), don't expect to be able to keep up with everything.

You'll take what you get and like it, ok blog land?

Strange Brew

Well this is certainly an interesting and unexpected collision of my interests (past and present). Thanks to Colin Lyons for sharing this with me.

Good God Gnarles -- You Hit It.

That's All Folks!

Ahhh, the Tour of Utah is in the books. As expected, I dominated the time trial in the same way I dominated the mountain stages. I wouldn't say my victory over the top cyclists in the world was easy, but it certainly wasn't hard. What a cool way to end the season, huh?

Thanks to everyone who has contacted me to congratulate me on my stunning and unexpected victory -- your support is what keeps me going.

Also, to whoever has been posting those slanderous, heinously incorrect results on cyclingnews, cut that shit out now! Ya hear? I've never even heard of a guy named Jeff Louder, so please stop telling me he's the real winner. Look people, I'm the one who's here -- I've seen this race with my own eyes, and raced it with my own legs. I know who came across the finish line first, and it was me, OK?

Lastly, to those of you who keep recommending I "get my head looked at" or keep sending me links like this one, no -- thank you, I'm just fine.

It Ain't Easy Being AWESOME!!!!

Wow. All I can say is wow. I never thought I'd see the day. If you've been reading cyclingnews or velonews, you'll know by now that yesterday I won the queen stage of the Tour of Utah. I caught up to Lance Armstrong about one kilometer from the finish, and put in a strong finishing surge to take the win (and even put more time into him). My favorite part of the day was where I gave Armstrong a taste of his own medicine! My teammates also had good rides yesterday, and we now control all five of the various leader's jerseys by commanding margins. I'll start today's 7 mile time trial with an "unassailable" lead over my competition. I know that all I'll have to do to win the overall GC is finish the race, but not unlike my hero Eddy "the cannibal" Merckx, I don't just want to beat my competition -- I want to utterly crush their souls. If I don't pass Lance in the TT, I'm calling my ride a failure.


For some reason, people keep questioning my results. Apparently, there have been some inconsistencies in the cycling media's coverage of the race. I don't know who is responsible for these vicious lies, but let me put your worried little heads to rest -- I AM winning the Tour of Utah, and anyone who says different is a liar. Glider Bison Blog: your only source for what's REALLY going on.

Tour of Utah Stage 3: VICTORY ALWAYS STRIKES TWICE!!!

YEAH!!! I WON ANOTHER STAGE OF THE TOUR OF UTAH!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!! (thanks to Amara at WheelsInFocus.com for capturing this special moment).

SEE!!! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

Six miles into the race, there was a 3 mile, 10% climb. Read that again.

We were released from neutral just before the climb. Garmin was setting a hard pace up the base of the climb, but Rock Racing hit hard about halfway up. I was in good position, so I attacked hard over the crest of that sucker and didn't look back until I'd taken the KOM. And who should I see behind me but my teammate Nick only a few seconds back. I eased up a bit, and once we were together, we took turns tucking around the switchbacks on the descent. We were quickly joined by my other teammate Adrian, who dropped the field on on the hair-raising descent (Adrian lit-up that descent like a bobsledder in a hurry -- and nobody could stick his wheel). The three of us worked together for a while until the second KOM, I was starting to crack a little bit, but my teammates eased up after the KOM (which Nick took). Back in the field, my teammate Jake attacked at the base of the climb and closed the 3 minute gap before the summit of the KOM. Lang and Dan marked a possible bridge move that included Hamilton, Sevilla, Donald (the race leader), Swindelhurst, Lill, Danielson, Sutherland and Chadwick. They wisely sat on the move, and when the time was right, attacked together. Once they were off, they radioed up to us so that we'd slow down a bit. Once all six of us joined up on the rolling stretch before the final KOM, our gap increased quickly. We arrived at the finish a whopping 9 minuets ahead of the chase group which contained Cancellara, Contador, Leipheimer, Voigt, and Armstrong (who came out of retirement just to race the Tour of Utah). We kept it together until the finish, and I won the sprint.

Because of time bonuses, I'm in the leader's jersey. Nick's got the KOM jersey. Jake is way ahead in the young rider competition. Bradley White somehow hung on to the points jersey, but Dan's second, Nick's third, Jake's fourth, and Adrian is fifth (so we have some cards to play). Lang is somehow winning the Best Utah Rider jersey, despite being from Seattle. Almost 70 guys got time cut.

GO HAGENS-BERMAN!!!!!

VICTORY IS AS GOOD AS MINE!!!!

Yesterday I posted the following blog post:

I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU, TOUR OF UTAH!!!!

OK listen up Tour of Utah -- I know you're supposed to be this scary big deal -- "America's toughest stage race" - -and all that bullshit, but I'm just telling you now: I'm not afraid of you. I'm going to put the hurt on all those badass guys who think they're here to win. Fuck that. I'm here to win the Tour of Utah. That's right, you heard it here first on the Glider Bison blog -- SAM JOHNSON WILL WIN THE TOUR OF UTAH!!!!!

Then I decided to take that post down -- I can't exactly explain why. Perhaps I didn't want people to perceive me as being cocky, or of overestimating my abilities. Perhaps I didn't want people to know that I'm secretly a powerful median (which I am). Perhaps I got cold feet and decided NOT to win the Tour of Utah after all -- I mean, winning is so overrated in this sport. Whatever the case -- I WAS WRONG TO DO SO!!!!


Well with today's stage one in the bag, let me tell you -- things are going exactly to plan. I spent a lot of the day "dangling" in no man's land. I got credit for doing so too. Once the group pulled us back, I suffered greatly for the rest of the race. I got dropped on the final "climb" (a 2-3 mile mild incline of perhaps 3%), and came in minutes behind the leaders, but that's ok -- it's all part of the plan.
I WILL WIN THE TOUR OF UTAH!!!! VICTORY WILL BE MINE!!!!

Onward and Upward, Doug.

So I've been magically whisked away from our villa overlooking Laguna Beach, and now find myself in Park City, Utah. Of course, when I say "magically whisked away" I mean I drove a rented Ford fucking Explorer all the fucking way here yesterday. So that was nice. We're here for the Tour of Utah -- something in between the Tour of Lovell and collegiate racing, but with a few faster guys.

As for the end of elite nationals, well that didn't go so well. I burned my matchbook trying to bring back the big breakaway of the day -- I didn't close the gap completely, but I brought it back close enough that two of my teammates were able to bridge across. I got dropped not long after that, but I felt satisfied -- that is, until both of my teammates in the breakaway got dropped, leaving us with nobody in the leading group. Then I wished I'd pulled a little harder. Oh well.

I'll leave you with a final picture of Doug, the magnificent pug.

Doug the Pug Update

Doug's doing ok. His worry meter has been awfully close to the red these past few days (what with all these strange, tall, shave-legged men roaming his house), but he's handling the pressure well.

Things that stress Doug out:

• Doug loves to beg for food while we're eating. However, we have been instructed not to feed Doug. Getting denied while begging stresses Doug out.
  
• Doug is a short dog, so his line of sight is limited by many things, including (but not limited to): furniture, stairs, piles of laundry, Hank (the other dog), and the wall that wraps around the patio. Doug is also territorial, defensive, and quite imaginative. Whenever someone is working on their bike down in the driveway [directly below the patio], Doug often mistakes the sounds of cassettes and chains for evil robbers sharpening their knives who will no doubt scale the patio wall and murder everyone inside the house (starting of course with a certain overweight pug). Hearing noises he can't see the source of stresses Doug out.
  
• Doug has awful eyesight, especially at night. If he sees movement, but it's too dark to identify the mover, Doug seems to have a strict bark-first-and-ask-questions-later policy. At various times, every one of us has scared the crap out of Doug by approaching him in the dark. Seeing things that move in the dark stresses Doug out.
  

Me and Only Me....

This story can only be told from the perspective if everyone's favorite caveman. Take it away Krogg:

OK Krogg tell you story now. Krogg not exactly proud of story, but feels it necessary to share with blog readers so emotional healing can begin. Story happen last weekend -- Saturday to be precise . Krogg decide to race bikes again. This time, Krogg's team sponsor race, so Krogg wake up at five-fucking-thirty in morning and carpool to Gig Harbor in time to help set up race, even though Krogg's race no start until 1:00 PM. Krogg drive in wheel car behind cat 4/5 race at 9:00 AM, then behind Cat 3 racer at 11:00 AM. Eventually Krogg get hungry, so Krogg go to bakery and eat sandwich. Krogg eat yummy sandwich with gusto. Then Krogg wash yummy sandwich down with yummy sticky bun. Krogg have happy belly before race. Then Krogg get back from bakery and get prepare for Cat 1/2 race at 1:00. This race called Lake Washington Circuit Race #2 -- twisty-turny-hilly race this time -- Krogg like! Since Krogg have state TT championships next day, Krogg's coach give strict instructions:

"Under no circumstances do I want you to animate that race Krogg, you hear?" coach say. But Krogg little bit hard of hearing. "Ok coach -- Krogg animate race real good," Krogg reply.

When racers line up, Krogg whisper to Nick "Nick, Krogg think it good idea to attack early -- twisty-turny-hilly mean early attack have good chances, ok?"

"Sure Krogg, whatever," Nick say while rolling eyes. Krogg think him not agree with Krogg. But Nick smart racer. Him agree real good.

So race get started. Race course short -- 4.2 miles with steep little hill and fast fast descent. Nine laps total. First time up hill, Krogg attack! At first Krogg think he have solo breakaway, but Krogg look between legs and see wheel of one other racer, so him pull over and let other racer come through -- OTHER RACER NICK??? NICK?? WHAT NICK DOING HERE???

"Nick, two Hagens Berman racers up road not exactly balanced team distribution -- other teams chase us for all they're worth. You realize this yes?" Krogg say to Nick. Nick just shrug shoulders, pick up pace, and Krogg hang on for dear life.

Gap grows! So Krogg and Nick keep going. Soon Nick and Krogg have two minute lead -- Krogg think Nick and Krogg lucky race so short, soon only 4 laps to go! Gap keeps going up, and Krogg feel pretty damn proud of himself! On last lap, Krogg certain victory is theirs! NICK AND KROGG TORE THE FIELD'S FUCKING LEGS OFF!! WIN BY 3:45! Here photographic evidence [special thanks to Rob Whittaker at GC Racing, LLC. He took this on his killer new FinishLynx camera] :
After race, Krogg feel pretty fucking good! Him do dance in parking lot. Unfortunately, dance in parking lot interrupted by race official.

"Krogg, can I have a word with you," race official say.

"FUCK YEAH YOU CAN," Krogg shout, while still shaking booty in victory dance. Krogg wonder why race official not smiling....

"Krogg, your name wasn't on the start list. Did you, um, register for the race?"

Krogg stop dancing. Krogg face go pale. Krogg actually get a little bit nauseous right then. "Uh.....haha....sure, sure Krogg register for race," Krogg say with uneasy smile, while simultaneously lunging for blank registration form, "haha -- what you take Krogg for? Cat 5 caveman?" Krogg fill out form with panicky illegible scrawl, and offer form to official with wink and smile. Krogg's hand tremble a little.

Race official not find Krogg's antics so funny. Him not accept frantically scribbled registration form. "I'm very sorry Krogg, but the rules are quite clear -- I have to disqualify you."

Krogg can't fucking believe this shit. Apparently, while Krogg out feasting on pastrami sandwich and sticky bun, him forget all about registration for race. Since Krogg's team promoter of race, him not need to pay entry fee, and since it WSBA race, him already have race numbers. Understandable perhaps, but Krogg know full well him never live this shit down. Krogg have no doubt that him hear "Krogg, did you remember to register?" for years to come.

Krogg colossally dumb -- even for caveman!

SIGN MY PETITION!!!

To: Barack Obama (barack.obama@barackobama.com)
BCC: John McCain (john.mccain@johnmccain.com)
Date: Thursday, August 7, 2008
Subject: Salt.

Dear Future President of the United States,

I'm writing to express my extreme dissatisfaction with the current status of the Pacific Ocean. It's FAR too salty. As a New Mexican, I'm new to the oceans in general, but I'm especially new to body surfing. While I find the practice enjoyable for the most part, there's a steep learning curve, and the salt content of the oceans almost ruined my first body surfing experience. When I misjudged a wave this afternoon I found myself tumbling around like a rag-doll in a washing machine. If the sand in my speedo wasn't enough, nasty salty water went up my nose and down my throat. It was awful! Would you please consider removing the salt from the ocean so that it doesn't sting as much when a wave pile-drives me into the ground face first. I would gladly vote for any man who replaced ocean water with purified spring water. Or Sunny Delight -- that would be rad!

Sincerely,
Sam Johnson

The Good, The Bad, and the ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!!

Ok, first off --
The Good:

The team is in California for the Elite National Championships. We're staying in Laguna Beach, in a 75 year-old beauty of a house.
I swear to god, this place is straight out of an Anthropologie catalog.


You might want to click on this next one: Also, this is Doug the pug. It's his house. He's in charge -- any questions?

The bad:

I've been sucking at individual time trials lately. Normally my strength, now somehow the bane of my existence. I got absolutely slaughtered today -- the leader put something heinous like 6:30 into me. Last Sunday I did the state ITT championships and wow -- I thought it sucked getting passed by my 30 second man; that's nothing compared to getting passed by a guy starting 4 minutes back. Yeah. That happened. I don't know what's been going on -- things start off ok, I'm pacing things conservatively, and then 15 minutes in, BAM, I'm hardly able to go at all. I know I'm not totally slow because I've been going ok in road races (and I've got a doosey of a blog post cued up for last Saturday's race -- I'll tell you what!) If you want to see a powerfile, here ya go:
This graph is also representative of my speed, heart rate, self-respect and ability to attract females.

The ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!!!

WE WENT TO THE BEACH!!!! THE WATER IS THE WARMEST IT'S BEEN ALL YEAR!!!!!

WE SWAM IN THE WAVES!!!!! I WALKED AROUND IN A SPEEDO (Please note: this particular beach was occupied mostly by homogeneous looking high school aged kids. I was one of perhaps five males on the entire beach who didn't have all of the following: a skim board, a perfect tan, a clean-shaven face, or shorts that border on being capris. I was the only male on the beach to lack all 4 of those things. Plus I was wearing a hat. This phenomenon [my presence] was enough to inspire total strangers to stare in disbelief, chuckle quietly from a distance, laugh loudly in my face, or take photographs of me -- while laughing loudly in my face). I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK!!!! I HAD A BLAST!!!!!

TRAVESTY!!!!!

CORRECTIONS FROM DANIELLE:
1. The cookies were made on Thursday night....so you woke up on Friday to the torture (not Wednesday silly).

2. They were not for my co-workers, but for a friends BF who's bday party I was so happily bailing on.

and 3. When you called to beg for a cookie, I meant that you each could have one, ha!!!!!!! And to think you were so nice to as to share with each other ;)




NO MAN SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE IN THESE CONDITIONS!!!! THIS SURELY CROSSES THE LINE -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS I SAY, CRUEL AND UNUSUAL!!!!

Keep in mind, this nearly a week ago, and I'm only now able to write about this awful, awful event.

When we awoke last Wednesday, Alan and I were greeted by the following scene laid out upon our kitchen table:"Awh fuck yeah," I thought, as my eyes feasted upon the chocolate/marshmallow/peanut butter wonderment, my salivary glands unusually active so soon after waking up. The only problem I had with the whole scene was which goody to try first.

As my greedy paw reached for a cookie, "WAIT --" I heard from behind me, "Danielle said we can't eat any of those.....they're for her co-workers."

ALAN, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? SHE JUST LEFT THEM HERE FOR US TO STARE AT ALL DAY????

Yep.

So stare we did. In case you can't tell what's going on here -- that would be a chocolate cookie, topped with a melted marshmallow, iced with rich a rich chocolate frosting.
And here we have some chocolate, peanut butter, oatmeal no-bake bars. Mercy.It was shear torture. After 7 hours of staring, we called Danielle at work and begged. "Puh-puh-puh-please can we have a cookie," we whined, "or we'll set your room on fire, ok?". She relented, and said that we could eat ONE, and only one cookie. So, we chose the largest specimen, and carefully cut it in half. Here's the cross section (and yes, it was as good as it looked -- Danielle has some lucky fuckin' co-workers, I'll tell you what!):
She's got some lucky fuckin' housemates too...

MMMMMM....Breakfast!

More great breakfast shots....

Peach uber-cake:

Eggs over easy, cheddar cheese, Cholula on toast. Molasses cakes, nectarine sauce.