Sunday, September 14, 2008

Stuff Lance Should Do Instead

By now the news of Lance Armstrong's planned return to professional racing has permeated the mainstream media in ways that only Lance Armstrong news can. Yesterday I overheard a Lance-centric conversation by people who know absolutely nothing about bicycle racing -- people who have no idea who Carlos Sastre is, what the UCI stands for, or how Dave Zabriskie's chamois-cream feels when applied to a man's undercarriage. I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Last week I stated my opinion about Lance's return -- I think it's foolish of him, but I'm excited to watch him try. However, even more than watching Lance come out of retirement and attempt to dominate cycling, I want to see Lance were come out of retirement and attempt to dominate something else entirely. So, for your reading pleasure and viewing delight, I've assembled a list of Stuff Lance Should Do Instead (with corresponding photoshop monstrosities!!):

  • BASEBALL!!!!
I haven't read a single article that mentions Lance's news without bringing up Michael Jordan in the same sentence. We all remember Mike's short-lived stint in minor-league baseball -- why couldn't that work for Lance too? Besides, certain similarities between the two sports (drug scandals, a deeply entrenched good-ol'boy network, funny pants, etc.) would help Lance feel right at home.
  • INVENTOR!!!!!
We all know Lance has really powerful legs. What most people don't know about Lance is that he has an equally powerful mind. Imagine the scientific equivalent of winning the Tour de France seven times. Yeah. Ever heard of a little thing called a "flux-capacitor"? Lance showed me a schematic for one last week. Or how about a dilithium-crystal-powered warp drive? Lance could have a working prototype by tomorrow night, if he only put his mind to it. Please Lance, you've used your beautiful legs, don't let that beautiful mind go to waste.
  • POP STAR!!!!!
He can sing, he can act, he can dance -- he can do it all, he's LANCE! Lance has all the makings of a pop super-star: he's good looking, physically fit, and willing to sell his soul. Plus, Lance is one of the lucky ones: in a sport where most racers go bald well before they retire, Lance still has enough hair to craft a unique (and nauseating) "look" of his own. So go ahead Lance, frost those tips, groom yourself a gross little goatee, hire some back-up dancers, and start climbing the pop-charts. I'm sure you'll be a huge hit with the younger blond females (especially those who bear an uncanny resemblance to your mother in her younger years).

If there's one advantage to being an elite cyclist, it's that you need to consume on the order of 5,000 calories per day just to recover from a hard day's work. Something tells me with all those years on the bike, Lance has learned his way around a kitchen. Just imagine being guided by a seven-time tour winner through the intricacies crafting the perfect triple-decker PB & J sandwich. Audiences will love his weekly energy-bar recipe, and his series called "keeping eggs egg-citing." Also, as I noted in a previous post, there's a real lack of attractive male hosts of Food Network shows -- Lance could restore balance to the universe, and bring the sexy back where it belongs: in the kitchen.

Lance was an integral part of the design process of nearly all the equipment he used to win the Tour seven times in a row. He spent hours in the wind-tunnel helping Trek perfect the TTX 9.9 SL. Oakley consulted him regularly for input on their Radar and Flak-Jacket eyewear. Lance even hand-drew the initial design of the now famous Giro Atmos helmet on a restaurant napkin. Just think what Lance could do if he turned his finely-tuned design sense to the world of haute couture. He'll bring Giorgio Armani to his knees. I suppose it's unfair for me to photoshop Lance's face onto a runway model's body, but here you go anyway:

This one is just inevitable -- whether it be for the '09 season, or after Lance re-retires, mark my words: Lance will be a contestant on that show. Seriously, if Mario Cipollini can do it, Lance can do it to.

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