November Cricket

I just had to share this e-mail from my mother. She lives in Kansas, and does a fair amount of bicycle riding out there. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's a "cyclist" because that implies things like spandex, clipless pedals, and/or high speeds -- all of which my mother wants nothing to do with. She does, however, share my fascination with animals crossing the road (I suppose, as her offspring, I share her fascination, but I digress). Here's her account of the November Cricket:

I forgot to tell you about my ride on Saturday. It was ridiculously windy (35-40 mph), and I could barely keep the bike going forward in 1st gear. It was mostly cloudy. And it was cold (I wore my earmuffs and mittens). On my way back I saw a cricket on the bike path. It was so pathetic. It was creeping slowly along the asphalt, and then the wind blew it over. There was something tragically heroic about it. After flailing in slow motion on its back for a while, it did manage to right itself and trudge onward. Onward to inevitable oblivion. November cricket.

The next thing I wanted to share also comes from Kansas. A nutrition professor at Kansas State just lost 28 lbs. on the Twinkie Diet. He ate doughnuts and Hostess cakes and Twinkies all day long, and by most measures, got healthier. The trick was, he limited himself to a total of 1,800 calories per day, while his caloric needs were probably more like 2,600. His work isn't groundbreaking in any way -- eat less than you burn and you'll lose weight  -- but it raises the question: what is health? Is it better to look healthy or to be healthy? As a cyclist who consumes an extremely high-calorie diet, I often struggle with the apparent lack of consequences regarding my dietary choices. Overall, maintaining a low BMI, and exercising a lot is probably healthier for me, regardless of my diet, than obesity. But simply because I can consume 3,000 calories of sugar per day without getting fat doesn't mean I should. 

Now, to make you sad, the Western Black Rhinoceroses has officially been declared extinct. Nice work, humans. 

Now, to cheer you up, watch this awesome commercial about what happens when you slip muscle relaxants to the football team: 

BUNNY!

I HEREBY PROCLAIM TODAY TO BE:
RABBIT AND BUNNY AWARENESS DAY


FACT: Rabbits are different than bunnies.

Rabbits are mean. They bite, they scratch, and they go STRAIGHT FOR THE NECK!:



Whereas bunnies are really cute. They deliver chocolate eggs in the night:







FACT: Rabbits (and bunnies) are NOT rodents. They're lagomorphs. So are pikas. 

Ahem. From Wikipedia:

Lagomorphs differ from rodents in that:

• they have four incisors in the upper jaw (not two, as in the Rodentia) 

• they are almost wholly herbivorous (unlike rodents, many of which will eat both meat and vegetation) 

• the male's scrotum is in front of the penis (unlike rodents', which is behind)

• the penis contains no bone (baculum), unlike in rodents

However, they resemble rodents in that their teeth grow throughout their life, thus necessitating constant chewing to keep them from growing too long.

Clearly, the differences in teeth and genitalia warrant an entirely separate order.



FACT: Rabbits are superb hoppers.

I mean just look at these photos from the 2011 European Rabbit Hopping Championships. Special thanks to Chris Wingfield for sharing.

Here's a sample:

The Off-Season Job

These days, finding a good job is harder than stalking a jaguar through thick jungle in the dead of night with nothing more than a rusty compass and some dowsing rods. Personally, I'm fortunate enough to have a fantastic job starting on January first of next year. Until then, I'm looking for work! This isn't the first time I'm found myself looking for work, however; if you've followed my blog long enough, you've seen me go through all sorts of job-search related contortions. Here's a quick run-down:


In 2007 I got a job as a carpenter by posting a "hire me!" ad on Craigslist. 
In 2008 I got a job (albeit not a paying one) in the Obama campaign in Santa Fe. 
In 2009 I applied to work at Starbucks...on the very day they laid off 6,700 people. Much hilarity ensued. 
Later in 2009 I learned some lessons about life, liberty, and the pursuit of paychecks -- and kicked off my very fruitful stint at Cycle University. 
In 2011 I finally got my first job racing bicycles, and oh, what a glorious job that was.

However, just because I'm a "made man" in the cycling world, doesn't mean I'm immune to the same down economy that we all are. In fact, despite earning my first pro card, I've found myself in very familiar territory for this time of year: out of money, almost out of bike parts to sell (anyone want to buy an XL road bike? or some Bont shoes?), and growing more and more discouraged by my failure to convince someone to hire me. I've been trying to sweet-talk my way into being a salesman an outdoor retailer of some sort or another. "I'm articulate, accommodating, and artistic," I say, "not to mention flexible, friendly, and foxy!" (I don't mean foxy attractive -- I mean foxy clever and somewhat furry (it is Movermber after all.).) But my resumes have laid idle, my phone unringing. "I've actually been to the outdoors," I say, "like on purpose -- all the time." But apparently so have all the other applicants.

So, a winter of austerity it might well be. Friends, family, significant other...I apologize in advance: my diet shall probably consist largely of pinto beans and rice until further notice. Let's hope my Beano ration holds.

THEY'RE DONE!

Remember that simulated mission to Mars I mentioned nearly a year ago? Yeah -- they finally finished their "journey to Mars," and were released from their capsules. They made it, and not only that, nobody lost his mind and tried to blow his buddy out the airlock. Apparently, they had access to the internet the whole time, which, when you think about it -- sitting in a tiny room watching Youtube all day for 18 months isn't too far from the life that many Americans already lead.  Here's an article about the mission, and here's the video showing when they opened the doors for the first time (fast forward to timecode 2:00 to cut to the chase).

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE

Sometimes you just scratch your head, you know?

It's like Napoleon Dynamite from another dimension. My favorite parts include:
0:31 "hold my beer grandma -- I gotta get in there"
0:58 "Jesus I almost sliced the dog in half"

While that was a real head-scratcher (thanks for that Sterling), this next video should be a much more recognizable format at this point:


I truly hope for all the reptiles and amphibians out there have gotten themselves all tucked away in a nice burrow somewhere to sit out the winter -- it snowed today in Boise. SNOWED! WINTER! COMING IN HOT (or cold rather)!

Pure Gold

Gold is a cool and all, but I simply don't understand humankind's fascination with the stuff. All this fuss over shiny metal? I just learned a little bit about the alchemists, the "scientists" in the times before we discovered the periodic table of the elements who thought it was possible to transmute one substance to another. Everyone was rushing to find a philosopher's stone that could convert any metal into gold. Because urine was yellow, it was assumed that gold must be in some way an integral part of the human body. The alchemists boiled gallons of urine, and in turn discovered phosphorus. Gross but cool.

Our culture is no less fascinated with gold than any other. Financial annalists squawk about the price of gold, jewelry companies try to convince me gold is the only way to express my love, and there are numerous companies that try to buy or sell gold from the public. In general I am extremely wary of any offers I see on either TV or the internet regarding the gold market. Some businesses want to sell me gold, others want to buy my gold -- all of them seem shady. Truth be told, some of them are! Just gross.

Well, I must say, in the spirit of those Hilarious Antagonistic Email Exchanges I commented on some time ago, my hat is off to this guy. Just cool:

I GOTTA CLEAR SOME THINGS UP!

ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT -- I GOTTA CLEAR SOME THINGS UP! The internet is filled with bent truths, incomplete truths, inconvenient truths, and downright untruths. Normally I'm fine with this, but when these less-than-the-whole-truths are about ME, that's where I draw the line! By now, you've no doubt seen the latest installment of the Manual for Speed. It's entitled "Nutrition for Pros," and features yours truly. I gotta say, the video is pretty funny -- see for yourself:


A Manual for Speed: Sam Johnson on Nutrition for Pros from manualforspeed on Vimeo.

And yes, the recipes utilizing Hammer Nutrition products are mine.

But I TAKE UMBRAGE at the notion that I still resort to such desperate measures! NO. Not true! I mean there was a time, sure, when my bin of Hammer Products held a significant caloric advantage over my bin of actual food. 2007 was a had its ups and downs. But I haven't made Perpetuem pancakes in years (at least not out of necessity). YEARS, YOU HEAR ME? My quality of life, and quality of diet has risen steadily since those days (no offence Hammer Nutrition), and things have gotten downright plush by comparison after making the jump to Team Exergy.

And therein lies the bent truth -- domestic pros, most of us at least, aren't exactly rocketing our way to being millionaires -- but we still get race our bicycles for a living. We aren't really fighting for survival. Let me repeat that: we race our bicycles for a living! I don't care how meager that living may be, or how many sacrifices we make in order to keep this job, in the big scheme of things we're extremely fortunate to do what we do. Not only that, I felt the exact same way back in 2007 when I was an amateur eating Perpetuem for dinner. You know why? Because it was worth it! I chose to live that way: the satisfaction I extracted from my life as a racer more than made up for the occasional discomfort I had to endure. I didn't feel sorry for myself -- I felt privileged! I had the freedom to chase down my dreams. Not only that, I had the support of my family and friends in doing so. And, most importantly, I wasn't preoccupied by bigger worries. It's hard to complain about eating Perpetuem pancakes while others on this planet are struggling just to eat.