Thursday, September 22, 2011

Eating Like a PRO

So I was cleaning out the drafts folder of my Blogger account, and found this gem from back in 2008. Not sure how this never made it out, but enjoy this blast from past:

Have you ever found yourself so goddam broke you don't have a goddam dime with which to purchase tasty food, but simultaneously are in possession of thousands (upon thousands upon thousands) of calories worth of Hammer Nutrition products? ME TOO! With these handy Hammer Nutrition product recipes, you'll eat like a king all year! All you need are a few additional staple items, a full range of Hammer products, and perhaps an open mind regarding what constitutes a "meal." Without further ado:

Hammer Product Cookbook
So starving athletes don't actually starve!
Get's A THUMBS UP From The Hagens Berman CYCLING TEAM

Perpetuem Pancakes

1 cup Hammer Perpetuem
1 cup cake flour (optional)
1 egg (optional)
1 teaspoon baking soda (optional)
1 teaspoon (two gel caps worth) Endurolytes

Mix available ingredients. Add water and stir until consistency is that of pancake batter. Pour batter onto skillet and cook. [note: Perpetuem has a fairly low burning temperature -- keep a close eye to avoid burning!]. Serve with generous dollop of Apple Cinnamon Hammer Gel. Enjoy!

Peanut Butter and Hammer Gel Triple-Decker Sandwich

3 slices bread (or hot dog buns if that's all you have)
2 tablespoons peanut butter (optional)
2 tablespoons (or 2 individual packets) of Montana Huckleberry Hammer Gel

Apply thin later of peanut butter to two separate slices of bread, and set aside, butter side up. Take third slice of bread and apply thin coat of Huckleberry Hammer Gel to one side. Marry gel coated bread with one slice of butter coated bread, as though you were making a normal (lame) PB&J sandwich. Then -- now follow me closely here -- apply Hammer Gel to the outside of the completed sandwich, making sure to apply the gel to the piece of bread which was gel coated in the first place. Finish the sandwich by placing the second butter coated bread on top of the gel coated sandwich. When you're finished you should have a sandwich where the inner piece of bread is coated on both sides with Hammer Gel, and the outer two pieces of bread remain protected from getting soggy by their layers of hydrophobic peanut oil. Let this sucker sit for an hour (or a few days) before eating -- the inner piece of bread will become fully saturated with gel, thus minimizing on the mess (Hammer Gel is runny stuff), and making the whole thing take on jelly doughnut-like qualities. Yum.


1 cup boiling water
2 tablespoons Espresso Hammer Gel

Fill a water bottle with water and Espresso gel, and secure cap. Shake vigorously until frothy. Sip snootily on sidewalk.

Pasta a la Last Resort

Plain Hammer Gel

I'm not proud of this one. This is for when you're truly truly up shit creek without a paddle. Boil pasta and drain. Add hammer gel. Season with Endurolytes. "Enjoy."

1 comment:

Martin Criminale said...

Jesus... I lapsed into a sugar coma just reading that post.