EXTRA EXTRA -- READ ALL ABOUT IT!! PETER PARKER NOT ACTUALLY SPIDERMAN!!!
Ok Spiderman fans, get ready to have your hearts broken: it's true -- Peter Parker has been full of shit this whole time! Apparently, he conjured up the whole "I'm Spiderman" nonsense to hit on a girl at a bar. Even worse, it didn't work! That girl was way out of his league, and his story totally backfired, but somehow the right people overheard, and posted it on their blogs, and -- well you know how the internet works; the rumor went viral. The point is, PETER PARKER ISN'T SPIDERMAN! Here's Peter Parker:
See the resemblance? Neither do I! It turns out that Peter Parker, the mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper, is nothing more than that: a mild mannered loser who works for the newspaper (albeit a loser with a fertile imagination).
Want to know a another little secret about Spiderman? Ready to get your mind blown wide open like a jar of mayonnaise on the fourth of July? Brace yourself.......I AM NOW SPIDERMAN!!!!!!!
Boom! There! I said it! Well to be more clear, I'm not exactly the Spiderman, as much as I am now a spiderman. Want to know how? Well the answer is simple:
Yes, Spiderman's powers now come in blue tape form. All you have to do is slap some Spidertech athletic tape on your joints and you'll be climbing walls, and slinging webs, and kicking the snot out of Green Goblins in no time. I mean just look at my leg:
Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah, and you haven't even seen me fight evil, or hang upside-down. Now compare my leg to Spiderman's leg:
See the similarities? Pretty much identical, huh?
Yeah. So the best part is that Spidertech just signed on to sponsor Team Exergy! From now on, everyone on the team will be lining up to race with spider powers! Remember how badass Andres Diaz is at going uphill? Well wait 'til you see him climb up mountains now that he's been SPIDERTECHED! Ever seen Carlos unleash a sprint in a crit? Well wait til you see him sprint with the power of SPIDERS wrapped around his legs. Yippie-kay-yay bitches, we're Spidermen now! Learn more about Spidertech, and its superhero-power-granting athletic tape HERE.