NEWS FLASH: LANCE ARMSTRONG TOTAL SISSY!!!!

Citing an antiquated and unenforceable UCI rule, Lance Armstrong has decided to tuck-tail and withdraw his entry from this year's Tour of the Gila, an Armstrong spokesman said today. While the UCI technicality provides a convenient excuse, several sources close to Armstrong, including teammate Chris Horner confirm that Armstrong's withdrawal was due to the fact that he's a total sissy, and is scared shitless of racing against Hagens Berman racer Sam Johnson. Apparently Johnson's last-minute decision to race the Tour of the Gila has been the source of endless anxiety for Armstrong and his Astana teammates.  "Yeah, we were all psyched to go down [to the Tour of the Gila], but once we heard Johnson was gunna be there, we were like FUCK. Lance was totally freaking out -- hew as all 'Chris, we HAVE to find a way out out of that race while still saving face' -- thank god for UCI regulation 2.1.009, ya know?" Horner said. Apparently Armstrong was having nightmares, and hadn't had a full night's sleep ever since Johnson officially registered for the race, as evidenced by his middle-of-the-night posts to his Twitter account: 

Can't sleep again. Close my eyes and all I see is tall Hagens Berman rider passing me in the Gila TT. 

Posted 3:15 AM Apr 23rd from Twitter Berry

Another sleepless night filled with terrifying curly haired Hagens racer. Why God, this curse? 

Posted 4:55 AM Apr 25th from web

Sam Johnson, an amateur cyclist who was greatly looking forward to getting to compete against the seven time tour winner, was disappointed by the news. "Honestly I'm bummed -- I was really looking forward to seeing the guy! Racing against Lance? C'mon! That's like a dream! That's like playing basketball against of Michael Jordan!" Johnson said. 

Officials at the UCI were, surprisingly, available for comment: "Lance can do what he wants -- we don't give a flying fuck about cycling in the USA -- in fact we fully support anything that increases Armstrong's chances of injury before the Tour de France." 

Armstrong himself was too busy updating his Twitter account for comment. 

P.S. Lance, and the rest of you Astana guys -- if you change your mind, and DO end up coming to the Tour of the Gila -- please don't crash me out. I'm only joking Lance; I know you're not actually a sissy.