Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Floyd Landis IS Jack Bauer

Floyd Landis is not who you think he is. To the unobservant, Floyd is simply the bicycle racer we follow on the news. He rode for Lance, then struck out on his own. He won the Tour, and then got busted for drugs. He floundered in the US, and then dropped "the big one" by accusing pretty much every major US racer of doping. Then, just this week, we get this story:

Landis reported to have worn wire in meeting with Michael 


That's right: Floyd Landis wore a friggin wire like a secret agent. He had meetings with Michael Ball, and used his secret spy camera to record images of Ball's fridge full of dope! He was working with the feds the whole time! Who is this guy?

Well, as some of you remember, I happen to be one of Floyd's closest friends in the whole world. We have a very extensive history. We first grew "tight" at this year's Cascade Cycling Classic, when we spent countless minutes (roughly twenty) riding our dropped asses to the top of McKenzie Pass, and our friendship has only gotten stronger since. So when this news story first broke, I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to know -- who is Floyd Landis really? I called him up and we decided to meet at a nondescript public place. Starbucks, we met at Starbucks, and we had a little heart to heart -- only what I didn't tell Floyd is that I wore a wire to our meeting! AND THUS THE DECEIVER BECAME THE DECEIVED! Here's a transcript of our conversation:

GliderBison: What's up gangster? how's it hangin?

Floyd: Bro-chacho! Long time no see! 

(Floyd and GliderBison exchange a solid man-hug)

GliderBison: So what's this I hear about you wearing a wire and busting Michael's balls?

Floyd: Oh yeah, that. Dude, I have something to tell you -- I know we're really good friends and all, but I haven't been completely honest -- I'm not actually a bike racer. Well, I am a bike racer, but I'm not just a bike racer. I'm also a secret agent. I'm trained in espionage, forgery, assassination, jujitsu, and seduction. I speak eleven languages, and have nineteen identities -- one of which is that of a professional cyclist. My time spent bicycle racing was actually an elaborate set-up. I needed to obtain top-secret secrets from the French military, and the Tour happened to pass by all my target military outposts. The whole "bike racer" thing was actually just a convenient cover for my true objective. 

GliderBison: Whoah -- dude -- you are totally blowing my mind right now. 

Floyd: I know bro. That's not all. I'm just getting started Tiki-Broha. You know Jack Bauer?

GliderBison: Like from the TV show 24? The guy who likes to torture the bad guys until they give him the code or whatever? 

(Floyd reaches up to his upper lip, and slowly peels off his mustache and goatee)

GliderBison: NO FUCKING WAY!!!!

(Floyd nods slowly)

Floyd: Believe it bro. This shit's real. Sorry to just lay that on you like that. So anyway, how's your mom? I heard she's been cranking out some beautiful pottery lately.  

(The conversation spirals off towards the nuances of opening a seller account on Etsy.com)

Yeah, so that's totally true.

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