Friday, April 30, 2010

Top 5 Universal Sports Ads

If you're like me, you probably tune in to Universal Sports from time to time to watch their excellent cycling coverage. I love watching all of the huge European races on tv: the classics, Terrino-Adriatico, Tour of the Basque Country, and so on. But Universal doesn't just boast the best races on the tube, they also show the best ads as well. With the Giro de Italia coming up in a few days, I thought I'd brief you on some of the best television advertisements you'll ever see:



Billy Mays sells the Awesome Auger


"HI IT'S BILLY MAYS HERE, AND EVEN THOUGH I DIED NEARLY A YEAR AGO, I JUST HAD TO COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS USELESS PIECE OF SHIT CALLED THE AWESOME AUGER. NOT ONLY IS IT AWKWARD AND POINTLESS, IT'S GUARANTEED TO BOUNCE OUT OF CONTROL AND WHACK YOU IN THE SHINS REALLY REALLY HARD. THE AWESOME AUGER MAKES GARDENING SO EASY, YOU'LL TURN YOUR UGLY BACK YARD INTO HEAVEN ON EARTH  -- WHICH IS GOOD FOR ME, SINCE I GAVE UP MY SPOT IN REAL HEAVEN SO I CAN WANDER THE GLOBE FOR ETERNITY SELLING JUNK ON TV. ORDER NOW."


HD Vision Sunglasses


"Are you a total idiot who doesn't understand a goddam thing about technology or optics? Are you easily persuaded by paid actors who smile and nod approvingly? Do you like HDTV? Well boy do we have an offer for you. With these HD Vision glasses, you'll not only look like a moron, you'll actually prove you're a moron; only a moron would believe that claims about 'Revolutionary HD Glare Block Technology' actually mean something." 


Bottle Tops


Are you tired of your soda cans being soda cans? Don't you wish your soda cans were plastic bottles instead? Well now with the help of bottle tops, you can turn your cans into bottles! We've chopped the tops off a bunch of old bottles, and now we're selling them to you at a ridiculous mark-up, so you can do something that is utterly pointless.



Slim T's


"Want to look thinner instantly without dieting or exercise? Don't mind jamming your midsection into a vice-like corset which restricts both breathing and digestion? Well here's your chance! Stuff your belly into one of these Slim T's, and watch as your waste line is magically extruded to just under your armpits. You'll look great, and I'm sure nobody will notice your rock-hard abs aren't real. If you need support to keep your jelly from jiggling, order a Slim T now!"



The Almighty Slap-Chop

I haven't seen Vince shilling the Slap-Chop recently, but I'm betting on a revival of this classic come Giro time.

1 comment:

Bob Cesca said...

HEY NOW! It takes me several days to saw off all those bottle tops. Step off!

My favorite thing about Universal Sports coverage is the jarring non-Liggett pronunciations. Who is Jens VUCKED?