Monday, August 8, 2011

A Great Many Things

TOWN CRIER: People come and gather round! I have news from far and news from wide.  

Firstly, I have committed a crime against nature. My shame has kept me silent thus, but mine conscience can bear it no longer: I must admit! I HAVE KILLED A SNAKE. 'Twas horrible indeed -- an accident for sure, but accident or not, I am to blame. I was descending Mount Bogus on my two-wheeled steed, carving from turn to turn with the same carefree had by a dolphin cavorting in the waves. A moment to take in the view -- spectacular indeed -- but a moment was all it took. When my gaze returned to the road, there he lay, my reptilian friend, elongated before me, absorbing the infrared radiation so plentifully emitted from the tarmac below. No time to react, to swerve, to hop -- only time to recognize: he was alive. Mine tires done crushed his middle, and I done left him to writhe and wriggle in agony. Woe -- oh woe that I were not able to swerve! Woe that I took my eyes from the road too long! CURSE ME AND MY TIRES! CURSE ME AND MY BLIND, ARROGANT, INATTENTIVE WAYS! I've tried to save snakes from similar fates. Why not this one? 

Secondly, I've been GETTING HIGH!!! EVERY NIGHT!! That's right, I'm sleeping in an altitude tent. If there's one thing the USA Pro Cycling Challenge has got, it's altitude. Like 12,000 feet above sea level. Take Stage 2 for example: we start in Gunnison, a mere 7,700 feet above sea level. Then we climb for almost fifty miles, cresting Cottonwood Pass at 12,100 feet. Then we descend for 30 miles, and do the whole thing over again, this time over Independence Pass, before finishing in Aspen. I'm not kidding myself into thinking that sleeping in a giant tent with lower O2 levels is going to turn me into superman, but it's worth a shot, right? 
Giant tent!

It's like I'm CAMPING!!!

Giant machine that goes "whiiiiiiiirrrrr."

Thirdly, Krogg has a story to tell. Go for it Krogg

KROGG SMASH IDAHO STATE ROAD RACE CHAMPIONSHIPS! Race hot! Race hilly! Race good for Krogg! Krogg go up road, and win solo! SMASH! Krogg knew race would be hard. Krogg look at start list, and not see many names. Bunches of Bob's guys and few others. Bobs guys know how to use tactics against Krogg. Oh, plus masters field race with 1/2's (even though scored separate) -- watch out for masters field! Richard Feldman master, and Richard Feldman always go hard! Who Richard Feldman you might ask? Well Krogg explain: Richard Feldman very fast cyclocross racer with countless masters championships, and suspiciously well-maintained Wikipedia page (results from YESTERDAY already updated??!). Richard Feldman prefer simple tactics. Krogg approve. Richard Feldman tactics go like this:

Step 1: Go hard. 
Step 2: Repeat step 1 until finish line. 

This work very well for masters field in Idaho (as Wikipedia page clearly say, Richard Feldman WIN Idaho State Road Race Championships), but not so good on KROGG! Over years, Krogg learn to be crafty caveman. Krogg wait! Krogg utilize top-secret bicycle racing strategy called drafting. Then, after first hour and a half of letting Richard Feldman go hard -- KROGG POUNCE! KROGG GO HARDER! Krogg go up road, and work with one of the Bob's guys, then KROGG WIN! Now Krogg Idaho State Road Race Champion! YIPPIE!  


Martin Criminale said...

Way to get the win! If only I had known that the secret was as simple as going harder I would be racking up the Ws left and right. Thanks for sharing yet another top secret pro cycling tip bubbly boy, er I mean KROGG.

cycloid said...

Way to ride, Krogg !